The star logo has begun to fade
on her tattered box.
As she slides it out
from under the bed
she treasures the feeling
of it in her hand.
Inside are the scattered
memorabilia of her life.
A ticket stub,
her first Mariner's game
a connection to her Dad.
Scrabble tiles spelling
"You Lose"
a remembrance to her mother.
Gold and shimmering
her first soccer trophy
a staple of the childhood once had.
Slips of paper reading
"Darien,Christopher,Grandpa"
pieces of her heart
no longer beating.
Author notes
Don't be afraid tell me what you think
Comments
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some quibbles...
Jester,
"Pieces of the heart no longer beating"
this is your strongest line.
you can do without the "inside are the scattered memborabillia of her life." it is redundant. the title tells the reader that. just bust right into the imagery. we'll understand. same goes with "she treasures the feeling of it in her hand." what else could she be feeling with?
yep, your poem could be tightened up a bit, but i think this is a good subject matter, one the reader can relate to. i know i have box or two with old anime cards, love letters and two-dollar bills and such. good memories you brought to life, ironically.
best,
Pap
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This mad me feel a little sad.
Rembering the youth we have lost do we cherish the memories we loved or weep for those we did not? Too often it's both. I like the way the items are describe. The meaning of each one depicted. I can picture the little box as I have my own little treasure box. With reminders of year gone by. The title is perfect. The ending, one to tug on heartstrings of the softhearted like me. I would suggest, however that you split those long lines into shorter ones.
That makes it easier for the reader to take in and digest. I've learned that since joining sharepoetry. Try looking at this and see what you think:
The star logo has
begun to fade on
her tattered box.
As she slides it out
from underneath her bed.
She treasures the feeling
of it in her hands.
Inside are the scattered
memorabilia of her life.
This is easier to follow and then will also be more appealing to the eyes because your lines will be more uniform. Like meals in a fancy resturaunt it's as much about the appearence as it is about whats on the plate. If you count the beats per line you can get a better rhythm which will help it flow.
These are the suggestions I've received on some of my poetry. I found them helpful so now I pas them on. Hope you find them helpful also. Nice poem.
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well thank you
I did make the lines a little shorter your right it did look a little harsh to the eye thank you for pointing that out.
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