So tired of the struggle, I am exhausted from this fight
There is more of an ease pushing others away, than in trying
Residing in a land of rollercoaster’s, and living a pharmaceutical existence
There is a storm in my soul that no contact has been competent to calm
This fog suffocates me, choking who I am, and silencing what I intended to say
“You’re so strong”, they proclaim; if so, why is it so hard to make it through one more day?
What makes you stronger is what doesn’t kill you.
What if, what is killing you made you strong?
I am bound in the passenger seat of my life
Watching, but helpless to the chaos that spins out of control in front of me
It’s so lonely in here, silent to anyone outside my cranial prison
I am screaming for help, why can’t they hear me?
Help me, I can’t stop the torturous expressions escaping from my lips!
I am deteriorating in here alone, going through these motions all too often
Is it too much to ask, for understanding without a monetary exchange?
Incapable of being a companion of worth, offering only a cocktail of love and loathing
When my saving graces ask why my face is stained with pain, responses are excuses to mask what lies beneath.
My blood is poison, sure to infect the innocent; how do I save them?
Who will save me?
This monster disconnects me from my life, and my loves, incarcerating me in my private penitentiary.
The only thing that it will allow me, is pain, the mourning of a life lost, and what may never be.
Is this the life I have built, or is it merely the remnants of what was, or could have been?
Lost in this maze of uncertainty, and confusion, knowing that freedom is all too brief and fleeting.
Finding solace only in absorbing common pain, and reciprocating my own.
What did I do to deserve this life of inescapable incarceration?
|
Author notes
I have not written poetry since I was a teenager...oh so long ago. This poem was a result of a sleepless night, something told me to write what I was feeling and I listened. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, I guess it was almost a cry for understanding to my Ex who refuses to acknowledge what happens to me is out of my control. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. It is my greatest hope that this can shed some light on what people living with this disease go through every day.
Any advice or comments are welcome! What did you think?
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
-
i've been dealing severe depression since i was young. my parents got divorced and it tore my family apart and shook me up badly. cliche i know right? whether it is or not isn't the issue, it caused me to crawl into the small hole in the back of my mind. a place where i dimmed out the rest of the world and traded everything for thoughts in the hope of gaining some understanding and a grip on what had destroyed my life. instead i lost control of everything, i lived a lie so consuming that i convinced even myself of it. i've loved very few people and told even less it was true. i'm used to people leaving me so i made sure to take ruin everything for myself before they tore me apart. i traded in the experience for some story i created and convinced myself was true. you know, you think it can't get any worse but it always finds a way. in the past few years i've become so reckless that i couldn't care less about myself or everybody i hurt in the process of being honest. yea honesty hasn't done anything but ruin things for me as well but i'm supposed to feel better about it. i tried to tell myself i was getting better while i was getting worse but my insomnia has grown over the months and i think i've accepted i have bipolar disorder. i always wanted to believe i was bigger than it and i could beat this but i don't think it's possible without help. i want to believe i can do this without relying on medicines, not that i have the money for them anyways. i'd much rather die than succumb to some numb "happiness". so when i love someone it pushes all these racing thoughts that derail my life to the back. you can beg and plead and be the nicest person in the world but love doesn't come so easily especially when you admit more than you need to and are so afraid that you'll fuck things up that you become paralyzed. the most unlikely of girls has become the most meaningful and confusing thing to me. if there's an end she'll be it, but when i think she's given up or she won't tell me she hates me or run away. so i have to keep myself in control and hope to god i don't fuck this up because she might be the only person who can help me back to sanity. too bad i can't tell her that though, it'd be too easy and scary. i'm here for you if you need to talk about these things because i think we've been swallowed by similar holes
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
-
-
mufinhxc
WOW.....I got chills reading your comment! I am so glad that you came by and read, and that you took the time to leave such a powerful comment! I am truly grateful, for your invite to talk as I really think that talking is one of the best things you can do to feel better, and knowing that others are going through these things is always comforting, but sad in itself as well. I am so sorry these things have happened to you, but I am glad that you found your way here and that we could meet. I look forward to reading you as well, I can tell from your comment that there is a good chance that I will relate. Thank you again for everything!
Ginger
-
-
I think(i say i think because i dont know,noone KNOWS anything,i hate it when others say "i know how you feel",
they dont,i dont know myself most of the time,how the hell can anyone else know,they`re so full of shit it pisses me off.People might say,"whats the matter with you",normally the response is "nothing,i`m fine" but occasionally you explain to them what the matter is,you know they aren`t really that interested but you tell them anyway,you tell them that one second you feel great,energetic,enthusiastic,hopeful,happy,then for absolutely no apparent reason your whole being becomes poisoned with hopelessness,pointlessness,crippling fatigue,flashbacks and nightmares about your wasted life,like you`re falling into an abyss of total and complete uselessness,you lie in bed for days,afraid to move,your emotions go haywire,you want to die...you even tell this to psychiatrists and they`re the ones who are full of the most shit,they dont have the guts to tell you how it really is,how the medical practice in general knows very little about mental illness,they pretend to be what they are not,they get away with it because almost all patients view doctors as perfect beings,incapable of error,bit like how people view priests)..its a gret poem,i wish others COULD understand,most cant because they dont suffer.
Bye.
-
-
Rhetorica
It wouldn't bother me if you said you know how I feel because you described it so well in your comment. You hit the nail on the head with the feelings, and the comments on the psychiatrist are dead on, the one that I use to see actually took the time to talk to me and try to understand where i was coming from, although he could only understand through books, and education. The P-doc I see now is terrible, and doesn't care to even look at you, let alone try to understand and act accordingly. Thank you for reading this and commenting, its good to know, I am not alone.
-
-
Initially, i felt the lines were too prose like, but each stanza as a whole worked perfectly. Each stanza was packed with emotion with a rhythm of urgency. The words are trapped on their own, reinforcing the idea. They are jagged, staggering and seemingly insufficient in expressing what is going on. The constant tug of war of what's better resonates. You express such depth in pain by arguing that being alone (even if you don't want to) is far safer and easier for everyone. But then, you still want them there, right there next to you.
The amount of introspection is overwhelming. I think more than the metaphors or the images, its the fact that this poem is naked, raw and intense that renders this gravitating. These lines:
What makes you stronger is what doesn’t kill you.
What if, what is killing you made you strong?
Grabbed my attention. I like the fact they followed each other, the juxtaposition and the change in arrangement and thought challenges the reader. It makes one entertain that possibility. It stands on its own, so clearly.
This line:
Who will save me?
The fact it stood alone was perfect. It was the single clarity that was there. In the mambo jumbo of words this penetrates the soul more. Its simple. Its truth. The fact its the shortest line/stanza against the back drop of all those words, it felt like this was the REAL you screaming from the depths of rants and words. I liked that.
I am a child of someone who was bipolar. I saw it and it hurt to be in that position, but i also understand this state far better now. And this poem tugged harder than i expected it. Without reading your notes, i connected to the poem.
The poem itself works in its rawness. Can it be tighten? Yes, it could. I could see a few line breaks that would do. However, i feel if changed, this poem would lose it beauty. I tend to think, for this poem, its power is in the honesty and lack of pretentiousness. If it were edited, it delivery would be less authentic.
-iphios
-
-
iphios
Thank you so much for your wonderful comment. I cant tell you how much I appreciate the depth in which you have analyzed this poem, it is truly gratifying. I am very happy to hear that you too, were able to connect to this poem, and that you were able to understand and feel its true intent so fully. It was powerful for me to hear that you "understand this state far better now", this after all, was it's true intent when written, and this line in your comment brought tears to my eyes, and a smile to my face.
I am very pleased that you brought this line out:
"What makes you stronger is what doesnt kill you.
What if, what is killing you made you strong? "
this was one that carried so much meaning to me, and I was afraid that it was not going to be understood in it's own context. I had even entertained the thought of changing the first line to the more traditional, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but it doesn't convey the same feelings to me in that form, I am now glad that I didn't second guess and change it.
I again have to convey to you my deepest gratitude for your time, and the thought that you put into this beautiful comment. Thank you!
-
-
Dear Ginger,
I really liked it. I loved your descriptive imagery, it forms a clear picture.(Gee, that's a cliche isn't it?)It's a very painful poem, one I think a lot of people can relate to, especially poets. I can relate to this. My poems were a lot like this when I came to the site. My only suggestion would be to add a bit of rhythmn and flow to it, just to make it easier to read.
It's very, very good. Hang in there, we all have pain.
-Colin -
-
Colin
Thank you so much for your comment. You are right this does need some editing to be in true poem form, and to improve the flow.
I think how it found itself here was in search of its purpose after it was rejected by the one it was written for. I tend to hesitate to change it, but I have often considered making a revised version of it and posting it separately. You have further inspired me to do that, and I thank you for that. Again, thank you for not only reading but taking the time to comment and being kind, it is very much appreciated.
-
-
i love this....it is amazing...especially the line:
"living a pharmaceutical existence"
reminds me of myself...reminds me of my grandmother, my mother, relying on drugs to survive, relying on drugs to be halfway "normal"...
and the doctors...the ones from larned...they say i'm bipolar with hypomania....my sister is bipolar...my biological mother was bipolar...i think my brother is bipolar, kind of.....or maybe he just suffers from anger problems....
anyways...this is an amazing poem.....this line:
"There is more of an ease pushing others away, than in trying" is my LIFE...
amazing
-
-
Dirty and Broken
I am so glad that this touched you. I too, am not the only one in my family that struggles with this Monster. I am so happy to hear from you!!! I was hoping that this would reach another like me out there somewhere...I live this struggle everyday, and some days are better than others, but I'm working hard to get back where I once was, when I could step outside of my mind for a bit...not there yet, but I am determined to drive my own life again someday, and then try to help others learn to take back the wheel of theirs! Thank you so much for reading this, and taking the time to comment. I hope to hear from you again! -
-
This "Monster" (i rather like calling it that
) has ruined my life...i had a boyfriend...who's name was Alex....and i broke up with him because i got so mad that he wouldn't eat lunch...and i couldn't stop being angry long enough to realize that i was ruining everythikng....i couldn't think...it was like another me had taken over and was trying to destroy me and him...
and...you're welcome for commenting....i thank you for writing this, showing me that i am NOT alone
-
-
-
Poetry
I have always felt that poetry is like a photograph that the soul can produce describing a feeling thought or emotion that would otherwise be lost to the depths of the mind. Expression is the very essence of what makes us human after all. You express quite well. Ty for posting this.
language: 5, rhythm: 3, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 3.
-
-
Enoq
Wow, thank you very much! As I am sure you know from the Authors notes this is a very personal poem for me; thank you for taking the time to read it!
You are so right, this poem was written to do just that, paint a picture in someones mind about the feelings that, not only I, but others like me have. The fact that you recognize that is wonderful to me. I created the picture the day after writing it to give a visual in case it wasn't quite as clear to others as it is to me(we all understand our own poetry but others sometimes need a little visual guidance)Thank you again for your kindness!
-
-
wow
I read it through like five times, trying to work out what my favorite line is, but they are all just so great. It is brilliantly written, it really is just, wow. I can't find a single suggestion or anything. Just, ace!!
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
-
-
Kep
Hey kep,
Thanks for stopping by and thank you so much for your kind words! They are very much appreciated!
-
-
hey Ginger
First off I'm sorry to hear that you have bi-polar, my younger sister has bi-polar as well so I kinda have an idea of some of the behavior and things that might occur and witnessed the mood swings, I'm terribly sorry that you have to suffer that. My sister's ranting and raving actually inspired me to write a poem though, as it told you that night to "write this down". The poem I wrote is called "Oral Diarrhea" LoL. I'm usually not a fan of the longer poems b/c when the poem isn't that good, I tend to stop reading somewhere through the poem and just move on. But then there are some like this one that just keep ya going down the page until your surprised it's over already. Which is a very good thing, I would have thought that you'd been writing for a while with the control you used in not jumping/running to the rhymes and taking risks but also simply expressing your emotions and feelings, showing the confusion with the questions worked very well. At first I thought you were talking about being addicted to some type of drug, which takes over the brain in a similiar but yet different way. Alot of the feelings you described and those of an addict are the same. I'm glad that you are not an addict but im sorry to hear that you have bipolar. Also sorry to hear about your ex. I'm still trying to get over somebody and it's been 4 months already and I still have problems sleeping without her in the same bed and still miss all those little things. I'm kind of a big hopeless romantic type of guy if ya can't tell LoL. I'm shocked this is the first poem you've written since you were a teenager. You did a very good job, I liked the imagery and the metaphors. You had alot of really good lines in the beginning. The first 1/3 of the poem was my favorite part. packed with lots of really good lines. You should definately keep on writing, hopefully something will inspire you after reading some more poems on this site and even just talking to the people here about poetry is another way to learn. One of the best ways of learning different styles and forms, what works and what doesn't, is by reading other people poetry. And if you leave a comment, can even be a quick one, they will usually return the favor and read one of your poems and leave a comment on what they thought, LoL K this is getting long and I don't wanna bore ya to death. Hope to talk to ya again sometime soon.
TTYL
MM
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 4.
Adding your comment:
1 - 16 of 16
