I speak
But only to the deaf
I move
But only to the blind
I dream
Of what will never be
I suffer
But only in silence
I laugh
But only to myself
I'm there
But never seen
I'm surrounded
But I'm so alone
And when I die
No one will notice
Because in life
I didn't even exist
General comments welcome
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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This is a sad poem.
To exist without being noticed. To cease to exist without being missed. Both a sad tale. I hope this is not an accurate description of how you feel.
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Such simple words for such profound emotions, i would love to see it developed more
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Hmm...
I don't know if your use of repetition is really constructive here. Usually it's used for emphasis, but if you do it literally every line, it's like ending every sentence with an exclamation point: it tends to just get annoying. Emphasis exists to make one line stand out. If you emphasize every line, it's counter-productive.
The poem seems to be written almost entirely in abstracts, too -- "dream / of what will never be" "surrounded / but I'm so alone" ... it doesn't do anything for me. Elaborate. Say it in a new way or don't say it at all.
So, to sum up: Be concrete. Use repetition only when it strengthens your point. Keep writing.
Bailiwick. Rewarded 8
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Sounds like your soul is speaking from the background of life.
Looking from the inside out.
You exist but only in your own mind. No one else cares to see your existence.
So you feel as if you dont exist.
I love the poem! But i would like to see it develop into a better story.
Good job fellow poet!
. Rewarded 6
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WOW!!!
I have to say that I just love this poem. It really speaks to me. I have had similar feelings for quite some time now and just have to say that you did an absolutely beautiful job putting those feeling into words. Wonderfully written, The flow is superb in my opinion. I wouldn't change a thing.
. Rewarded 6
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Beautiful
Very thoughtful and raw in feeling.
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It's definitely a sad poem that makes you think.I think the repetition puts more emphasize on the word.
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Wow.
Very sad, but good. I can relate to it, which not only makes it a better poem, but also makes it that much more depressing. -
oh mannn
this is really good.
i'm interested in why you said "i didnt even exist" instead of "dont" (past v. present). i like it though.
September 30, 2008
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