I don't want to eat
I don't want to sleep
I just want you inside me
Then be inside your arms
I don't want to think of the future
Or worry about God
Taste only a little more of you
Nothing we do causes harm
And I need nothing worldly from you
And I don't need it publicized
I just want you for my own
Two souls, in trust, confide
And I will make no promises
You make none of your accord
To give it up so soon it seems
not something (desirale)to afford
Not trying leads to nothingness
Let's be; just us being
No worries
No goals
Nor obstacles
Just being-
you and me playing our own roles
~
Be with me?
Can you be with me?
All alone and no one else
Don't count me out just yet
leave me to dust on hearts shelf
Please be with me
Just be with me
Exist within my space
Breathe my air
And touch my skin
Touch me every little place
Don't speak at me
With worthless words,
a tounge can twist such lies
But look at me
Through eyes of faith-
And see where beauty hides.
So be with me.
just be.
With me.
Two humans being.
No destinies
Author notes
This is a kinda two in one deal. I wrote the first part and the second was kinda born from it. I dont know if they work together...do they?
Comments
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Yes indeed.
I felt the two worked well to together personally. The first presented the needs and wants you had. It explains what you would not expect. The second poses the question of whether or not it is possible. It goes further into showing what your desires are and asks if they could be fulfilled. Had you not asked the question I wouldn't have thought twice about them being seperate poems, yet would rather have viewed them as two stanzas of the same.
Although it's stated differently I felt the ending of each stanza said the same thing. To me the second was rather re-affirming the first. Intentional or not I thought it was a nice touch.
I'm a fan of centering poetry, especially when the line lengths are uneven. To me it is more appealing. I think of it like a meal at a fancy restaurant. Presentation plays a part. For others it doesn't matter and still others don't care for centering.
Another personal preference of mine is that I don't care for starting lines with And or But unless necessary to add a needed line beat or to connect it to the previous line. I try to put them at the ends of lines unless it won't work because of an end rhyme. A lot of the times small words can be omitted and implied instead. I thought that the three lines in the first stanza which started with And could stand on their own without it. Just my humble opinion of course.
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Beautiful
Honeybrown, I loved them. I especially love the second poem. It's very lovely. :-) I feel that you are dealing with someone leaving recently? I hope you are doing ok if that is the case. Just two very, very minor critiques that are given with nothin but love: 9th line of the first poem, wordly is not a word. I think you were trying for wordy :-) and then last word of the second poem is destinies. :-) just so you know. I really did like these. Keep writing and send me a message if you want. I'd love to talk, especially if you are dealin with some rough times. Though, those can be the best times for great poetry. Keep writin!
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