I talked and painted
I wrote and drew.
I did all of this,
when they were all
I could do.
I tried my best
to work it out.
But I Hate myself
when I'm full
of doubt.
I Kicked, and screamed,
I Begged and pleaded.
I did all of this
when Understanding
was needed.
I live alone
this much is
true.
But I lived alone
when You lived
here too!
Author notes
This is a personal experience, and I am very interested in hearing your take on it. Thank you so much for taking the time to read.
Any comment welcome technical or otherwise. Thank you for reading!
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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love this line: "But I lived alone
when You lived
here too!" so i got divorced and found it is much easier to be alone with no one there............. -
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Ladydwarf
That is my favorite line too! I wasnt married but it was a very very long term relationship much like a marriage and you are right it is much easier to be without that feeling than live with it. Thanks so much for coming by and for the comment...it is much appreciated!
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hey i really like this poem. i can certainly relate to the feeling of being alone with someone right next to me. i don't understand why some of the words are capitalized, though, such as, begged, understanding, kicked. i'm not suggesting that you change them, it may be intentional, but it's just something i didn't get. good job.
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Facethejam
Thank you so much for stopping by and reading, and for the comment. I am sorry that you can relate, that is a feeling that is hard to shake.
The reason those specific words were capitalized was; when I first came here I was told that you should do that to invoke a punch on that word, or emphasis, basically thats where, in the line, that the flow is supposed to hit...I hope that made sense...lol. Again, thank you so much for the comment, it is very much appreciated!
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I`m going to quote my favorite writer,Charles Bukowski,"Genius might be the ability to say a profound thing in a simple way",..this poem says a lot in a straight forward manner,the last stanza brings it all together,well done.
Bye. -
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Rhetorica
Thanks for reading! What a wonderful compliment you have payed, thank you very much.
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yes, I can definitely relate to this!
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Carly
Thanks for commenting, I am sorry to hear that you can relate, it sucks to be in this position, I know. I think being lonely when your not alone is the worst kind of loneliness there is. Thanks again for stopping by and taking the time to read, its much appreciated!
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i don't like exclamation points, unless one is yelling...but i understand that u r using it for emphasis...i still don't like it...
anyways...it's a very simple poem, but i like it.... -
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Dirty and Broken
Thanks for commenting...
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Beautiful!
First of all I love your use of structure and repetition. I like to apply rules to my writing style and always appreciate it when others attempt to do the same. You display mastery of structure. Bravo. On top of that you can do it both succinctly and without losing your meaning in true form. I thought this was great and know a lot of people can relate to it.
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Enoq
Thank you so much for the compliments! They are very flattering, I feel you are extremely talented, and I value your opinion very much. I don't know much of form or anything technical in poetry for that matter so the fact that I accomplished this is wonderful news! Thank you again for your very encouraging words!
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hey der lady
well I thought that I had commented on this poem already but obviously I was wrong, I had read it though, and told my mother to come and check it out, that I remember. I am glad that I returned so I can let you know that I liked it alot, I thought it was well written and I liked the message portrayed here. second stanza I'd change the "I am" to "I'm" seems to flow better for me, but that's just my opinion. Then the ending, I thought that that was really great. Made the whole poem easily worth reading with just that ending line. Well there isn't much more to say that hasn't been said already. Thanks for sharing and hope to hear from ya soon.
TTYL
Marcus
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 3.
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hey der mister...
lol...I thought you would stop by sooner or later. I am glad you did, I respect you as a writer and the same thing I said to enoq, goes for you too, I value your opinion very much!
I think you are absolutely right about the "I am" and "I'm"...I will change that; I too, think it flows much better that way. Thank you so much for your compliments!!!
About the last line: The whole poem just kind of spilled out this way, there was no real thought behind the form and where the subject matter(the last line) would wind up being, and honestly I didn't even realized the impact of it because I knew what I was writing about all along, but when you read it not knowing, I could see where the last line is the clue to make the entire puzzle fit. I am really glad you like it, and I am flattered that you sent your mom here to see it! Thanks again for everything...I'm off to change it now.
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well written
So I haven't read the other comments yet but my take on this is that you tried SO hard to make a failing relationship work and in the end you realize that whether he lived there or not it seemed liek it was just you... there was no communication or recognition... well written!
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Tirwander
Thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment! You hit the nail on the head by the way. Thank you for your compliment it is appreciated.
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At first reading, it didn't flow to me, and I couldn't work out why. But I think it is because of the lines :
I did all of this,
when I knew of
nothing Else
to do.
I think that since "Knew" ryhmes with "do" and "drew" it throws me off. So would prehaps suggest:
I did all of this,
Since they were all I knew
or something along those lines, just removing either do or knew, so that it flows better? I dunno its up to you really its your poem. I love the ending, I think that they are a brilliant few lines!
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Kep
Thanks so much for the advice, I have had a hard time with that line, I want it to stay true to the story it is telling, but it is hard to do and have it sound right. what do you think of
I did all of this,
when they were all
I could do.
I did all of this,
when they were all
that I knew.
The feeling this line is portraying in this actual experience is: these(painting, writing, drawing etc...) are the things that I turned to when I had no one to talk to and could not bare to think anymore...
let me know what you think. That goes for everyone that reads this, any advice is appreciated.
Thank you again kep, for taking the time to read and comment! -
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I did all of this,
when they were all
I could do
I think that that line works best.
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hey ginger
i tried to read your page, but couldn't locate the hide background, and it was hard to read. anyway I reallyl liked the ending of I the punch line really pulled it together. I'd try writing in free verse though, as rhyme over all is limiting and usually gives poems a sing-song quality.
dave -
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Dave
Hey Dave,
Thanks for letting me know about the difficulty with the background I will make adjustments accordingly! I usually do not write in rhyme but for some reason that is how this one spilled out of me. Thanks for stopping by.
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hi ginger! I am Marcus Moores mom. Just wanted to give you a shout. Marcus has told me all about you! I can totally relate to this poem! Unbelievable! I cannot even tell you how excited he is about the painting! I will look forward to talking to you soon and i have seen your drawing.Beautiful!!! Keep up the good work! SHER
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 3.
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HI!!!!
Hey there! It is so nice to meet you! Thank you for the compliment...now for you, you have a wonderful son. He has been a good friend and a gentleman, and it is simply my pleasure to paint for someone that appreciates it and has such a genuine passion for it. Again I cant tell you how happy I am to have you visit with me. Keep in touch and tell Marcus I am still working on trying to get him a new visual to approve before I start painting. I have been so busy for the past couple of days that I haven't been able to respond to his last message, but i did get it. Take care and keep in touch!
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This is very good in my opinion.
I'm so sorry this was your experience. I think this is well written. I could offer changes but I don't know that they would make it better. If I was going to change anything I might reword the second stanza like this:
I did all of this
when I knew not
what else to do.
It might flow better but like I said I'm not to sure that's better than what you have. I'm not sure I'd recommend changing anything else. Nice job.
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Brian
Hey Brain...as usual, thank you so much for your kind words. I really had this entire poem kind of fall out of me this afternoon and after I wrote it; that was the really only stanza that, I too, had issues with. Thank you so much for your advice!!! It is ALWAYS appreciated!
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