Kitty cried on christmas day, kitty cried that night
the mouse next door was in a violent mood
and so they began to fight
and grave old clouds rolled over the lonely sky
the clock was slow,it was hard but I had to try
the party began and people came, saw and went
they all huddled up in the luxurious tent
all I had was a dime, not a crime being spent
but the people laughed and the people sang
and the people danced and fell with a bang
they smiled gently and wiped kitty's tears
and did away with life's useless fears
shadows of disbelief seemed to disappear
everything is settled here,right here
graves remain and absorb the gnawing pain
birds get back to pecking at golden grain
Comments
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wow, depressing over all. good ending, i really like the last two lines.
nice job,
adie -
Quietly strong, this
I like your tone - and the way you've put cliches on their heads. -
It 's a shame...
that kitty and mouse had to fight on Christmas day but it happens. I'm curios what her useless fears were. I'm not putting your poem down but it could use a little rearranging to even out the lines and give it a more even flow. If you count your line beats/syllables and keep them close to even line to line it will make the poem read more smoothly. When they are uneven it is better to have the longer line on top. You can often lose small words like and. Simply let them be implied. These are some of the things I've learned since coming to sharepoetry. Ofcourse it's your poem so do what you feel like doing or not doing.
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