Twinkle Twinkle
Twinkle Twinkle little star
I used to wander what you are
But now I see it’s all a game
You’re not real – you’re in my brain
Up above the world so high
A million diamonds in the sky
Each one a fraction, each one has been
Each one is a now a broken dream
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
I don’t wander what you are
I know the truth about all of you
You’re not real and you won’t come true
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
Well done.
Very interesting twist on an age old nursery rhyme. I think the rhyme is very well executed. I love the way you rhymed been and dream. Most people won't even realize that they aren't a true rhyme. The rhythm is great also. I saw Ginger's comment. You were right to change it. Facethejam is correct that {wander} should be {wonder}. Keep up the great work.
-
This is great. The rhyming sounds really natural. And I love the idea, and how you took Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and changed it.
-
hey..i wrote a poem about a shooting star that is sort of similar to this but not really...i like the spin on the children's song and the sort of absence of hope in it. (wander should be wonder?)
-
Nice
I really enjoyed this.
My only suggestion would be possibly taking out "really" in front of "real" in the last line of the first and last stanzas, when I read it aloud after doing this it seemed to improve the flow.
Nice job...keep writing, if only at times when you need it as an outlet, I personally feel that at those times we produce our most heartfelt and poignant work. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more from you!
-
-
thank you for that comment, and now reading aloud I see what you mean. Cheers
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
