I wait patiently
as Death stares me in the face.
I am ready to die.
A crack of thunder rolls through the air
as a screaming pain in my shoulder
threatens to drag me deep,
deep, into the seas of unconsciousness.
And all goes black.
I struggle to open my eyes
as the eerie silence greets my wake.
I lean against the stained wall
as the piercing screams of the innocent
run through my mind.
The soldiers are no more,
my family but a pile of bloodied corpses.
Their golden stars stare back at me.
Scarred by the tragedies of war
My heart is pulled by an endless weight
that will remain forever.
Death brushes me by.
Yet here I stand.
Reviews
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I'm surprised,
I know that age shouldn't figure into poetry but this is very good for you age. It certainly isn't the average poem for someone your age. You have some good imagery in this one. I do have some suggestions that I think would improve your poem a little. As a general rule lightening shoots through the sky and thunder rolls through the air. I really like the imagery you've used for him blacking out. I think rearranging you choice of line breaks would help you also. If you bring that second {deep} bach up to it's own line by itself it will give it more punch. It's a personal choice but I think that {then all goes black} sounds better than {and all goes black}. Unless there is a certain reason it's the way it is I suggest splitting your fourth line of your second stanza. See what you think of this:
I lean against the stained wall
as the piercing screams of the
innocent run through my mind.
Now I will pass on a little piece of advice I was given concerning my own poetry soon after joining sharepoetry. Commas are rarely used unless necessary to make the reader pause while reading. The reason is that they "clutter" up the poetry and distract the reader from what you are trying to convey to them. I often see poets that rarely use any punctuation. This is a very good little poem in my opinion. I think if you "tweek" it a little it will be a great one. Great job.
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Depends
If you wrote this entirely by yourself you are an absolutely amazing writer. -
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Wow
Thanks!
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Outstanding!
You have done a wonderful job with imagery in this poem...this played out like a movie in my mind. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, and was sad when it ended, (not only for the ending, but for the fact that it did end). I am not a seasoned pro by any means but I truly believe that you have a talent that you should pursue if it makes you happy. Kudos for a well written piece of work!
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Thanks!
I really appreciate it! Thanks for the applause but unfortunately I plan to pursue the wonderful career of herpetology. But you never know.
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Good BUt soooo sad. A sad day, in history. really nice I like ur style, its discriptive in a cool vauge way, I reiked it!
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Lol
Thanks it it a sad poem. It's true history and many people have gone through this. It's a hard reality. A day we will never forget.
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Well written
This piece reads very well but tells a fragment of a story. Perhaps you should make a note at the bottom giving hint as to your inspiration when writing this. As always I love your visuals and terminology you have a mastery of capturing the readers thoughts engrossing them in your own. -
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Thanks Enoq.
I enjoy your critizism as always. I think your idea makes sense and I'll add a note at the end of the poem. Thanks Enoq.
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Very well done
I really like! It is soooo sad though
! I've seen Schindler's List and I was basically crying throughout the who movie.
This is a great, but such, such a sad poem!
Hope.
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Thanks Hope. While I was writing it I felt pretty depressed too. Lol.
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October 7, 2008
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