These hands tell a tale
of a century passed.
These eyes have seen all there is
filled deep with wisdom.
And yet...
I look at these hands
wrinkled with age...
I remember when
these hands were young,
untainted by the darkness
of the world.
When my heart was pure
and my eyes
shielded from evil.
I look at these hands
and remember
fishing in the river
climbing in the trees
and playing in the sun.
I look at these hands
and remember
the best of this life,
my childhood,
those happy golden years.
Comments
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Perfect
I love this one... Plain and simple.
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Hehe
Thanks again, Enoq.
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Cool a poem 'bout old folks like me.
I don't know, it's not that bad though. It tells an interesting story. I like the way he refers to his childhood as his golden years. That's a neat twist. I'm not a big fan or sentences that start with and unless it's really necessary. If it was me I'd leave {and remember} but drop the {and} from the beginning of the other lines. I'm curious why you didn't split those longer lines down and keep your rhythm even. I think it would look and sound better. Ofcourse I'm old and my mind slips so...
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Okay
Hmm...I'll look into that. Personally, I don't think I should drop the "and"(Line 17), no offense.
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