I lie down
against the warm grass
and let the sunshine
soak my face.
No more are my worries,
No more are my regrets,
as I let the conscious world
slip away.
As the sun shines
I let the shower of rain
slide down my face,
trickle down my arm,
dribble against my cheeks.
The moisture soon evaporates
leaving the ground
as soon as it came.
Oh, the blissful summer rain...
when was there a day
that bested this?
Comments
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young grasshopper
AC,
you're on your way. i really like nature poems. and it makes me happy that being in the "blissful summer rain" makes you happy. soon you'll master description, and be making our brains explode with your sights, sounds, smells, tastes, textures, similes and metaphors. but for now...
some suggestions:
you "lie," not "lay," down.
instead of:
"no more are my..."
cut back on the old-English wordiness (no one talks like that anymore) and go for something straightforeward like:
"no more worries
no more regrets"
"teardrops" are cliche (over used/no longer fresh)and do not fit your happy mood (unless you mean you are so happy that you cry, but i don't make that connection, so right now teardrops imply sad).
...
"bested" is fresh, unlike teardrops. not many people say that, or can. but you get away w/ it cuz you're a kid. lol. really a good word choice, here.
you have much to learn, but stick with it! try to think of original ways to describe what you feel and your surroundings. don't use anything you have heard before. be original. a poem is supposed to be the clearest way of saying something. so take the time to find the exact words. every one counts. especially when there are so few in a poem.
always,
Pap
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Pap...
Lol, thanks for critiquing me. I really needed to correct this one. Yeah, I'll definetely change "lay down" and "teardrops" do have a sad feel.
Thanks for the info and applause!
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Leave me alone with the quick comment thingy you already won
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Lol
Lol.
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Very Good.
you've out done me young lady! -
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Yay
HA! So beat!
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