Four Years Of Hell

Sometimes we'll have sorrows, others we're going to lose, but the worst of it all is when there's nothing we can do. To have to suffer is the next worst feeling in the world, but you still haven't seen the strength held in this girl. A girl with a sheltered life whom hid restlessly, yes, this girl is me. Though these things that happend will always be in my vivid memories, I've come to realize that not everything is meant to be. I've been educated more through the works of the world, between loved ones coming and going, people using me for the goodness of my heart, and guys using me for the same thing or just as a rebound to get with another girl. Well, I honestly don't know what else to do, but to strive for the good to come out of the bad, because that's how you see things when one took just about all you had. I am so sick of hiding anymore, but it's so hard to show who I really am because the past four years of my life have been nothing but hell and an act, not only to me, but also to everyone else. These past four years of my life eat me up so deep inside, but no one wants to hear me out when it comes to this pain of mine. People ask me why I'm so angry; others ask me how I hadn't lost my mind a long time ago, but what you think after you read this is all on you, I don't have to know. I cannot depict how you feel or what you think.
It was the summer of 2003. My aunt had taken my dad to Lancaster, Ohio with her, and that's when he saw Laura for the first time in seventeen years. Laura told my sister and I, after hanging out a few times, that she and my dad were in love when they were teenagers. I knew then that it'd be a relationship living on the past and full of revenge. It'd be a relationship that took the anger out on his kids and each other, and it was. Not even two months later, my dad proposed to her. Me, my sister, my brother, and even her three girls- Helen, Lacy, and Lindsy- were all excited and hoped she'd say yes. We all got along and liked each other a lot. She accepted the proposal this time, so they got married in a courthouse in Pleasantville, on September 30th, my half-sister's birthday, of that year. We packed some of our belongings and moved from Whitehall to Lancaster. I didn't get to say goodbye to Andrew and Lynn. My dad, Laura, Kenneth, and Cindy all agreed that we could go back to visit and to get the rest of our stuff, but we never did, and I miss them all so much.
I did respect my dad's decision for wanting to marry Laura, no doubt about it, but the main reason I wanted to move to Lancaster was Zack. At first, he liked my sister, Tracy, but then we started talking, and I fell head over heels for him. I hung out with him every chance we could. He never once pushed me into something I didn't want to do. He was damn good to me and I loved him.
People say at fifteen you're too young to know what love is. They say you're not old enough to feel something that strong, but I did. Fifteen is just a number, an age. After losing Zack to a girl who moved in a few apartments down, I lost a piece of myself. He was all I had at that point, but I loved him enough to let him go so he could be happy, even if i ached and cried behind closed doors.
Laura would tell me to grow up and that it was only puppy love. Only I know that isn't true. Just because he didn't feel the same way about me, doesn't mean I didn't love him. I still often think about Zack and I wonder if he knows how much I loved him, and that he'll always be a part of me. I wonder what it would've been like to share my life with someone who made that much of an impact on me. Now that I look back, though, I learned that everything happens for a reason, even if that event that happened hurts as bad as you do.
That was pretty much the first year. The second is when it all really started, and it started mostly with my brother, Landen.
Landen was an average, hyper, thirteen year old boy whom already had a rough life he had left behind. Even before we moved in with Laura, Landen had to sit constantly in his room with no toys, no friends, no love, nothing. He was not allowed to talk to anyone. He didn't use his pain and torture against anyone, either, but he moved on and was willing to do things for the better. He started getting in trouble for being hyper, and then it escalated to Laura making him sit day in and day out in the corner. The younger girls, especially Lacy, would wald by, say stuff to him, and if he just stuck his tongue out or made a face, like any normal thirteen year old kid would do, they'd tell on him, and he'd have to sit or stand, for hours of being lectured, made fun of, and laughed at by Laura, her mom, the three younger girls, my dad (if he was home from work), and sometimes even me and Tracy. He would have to eat either before or after everyone else. Laura would feed him unheated can foods, putting extra sald in it or spitting in it, and sometimes he was lucky enough to get leftovers. When he'd ask for a drink, she'd give him either water or kool-aid with salt or spit in it, and sometimes he was lucky if she didn't do anything to it. I witnessed this, and when he'd comlain about the taste, she'd say she did nothing to his food/drink, and then she'd ask him if he was crazy.
Sometimes when he'd use the restroom, Laura and/or her mom would open up the door and start making fun of him for the size of his genitals. I remember there were nights as us girls went up the stairs to go to bed, Laura and my dad were drinking, of course they drank every night, and Laura would tell Landen to pull his pants down. I know it was to make fun of him some more.
I feel so guilty not helping him, not telling him that I love him more than he'll ever know, that yes, he was worth something. Along with everyone else I'd laugh, but when I laughed, it was to hide the tears. I was scared that if I didn't act like I was on their side, they'd start on me, too. That was selfish of me. Knowing now what had happened, how it happened, and how it all ended, I'd definately go back into time and be a different person. I'd give him a hero.
That fear grew thicker the day my dad told us girls to go outside to beat Landen up after lunch because "he got newer and better stuff than us for Christmas". Every kick I kicked, the higher the wall built around towards my dad and Laura. The more I acted like I was against my brother, the higher that wall got.
Sometime during that second year of all of us being together, Laura's music started to disappear. At first, the finger was pointed at me because i broke a CD that I know was both mine and Tracy's, but I was sick of the blame being put on me when I know I didn't take any of her music.
Laura would always tell me, "Seeing you break that CD, proves to me what happened to the rest, unless my music was sold for drugs."
I said to her, "The reason I broke it was because there's no point in me having anything if I'm getting accused of stealing everything!"
She took all of me and Tracy's Backstreet Boys CDs and said they were her son's, Billy, whom didn't even listen to that genre of music. I tried to explain to her that Kathy, my dad's ex and Andrew and Lynn's mom, had gived them to us, but they didn't listen, and my dad said he never saw her give them to us. That's because he was never home, just like he was never home when Laura would start her shit, and turn it all around to make it look like his kids were the blame for EVERYTHING that went wrong. But the finger still kept being switched from Landen, to Tracy, to me, to all of us, and then finally back at me.
When they drank, they'd drink form nine or ten at night to two or three in the morning, sometimes later. My dad would wake me, Tracy, and Landen up, school night or not, and we'd get lectured about how ugly and fat we are compared to her kids. They'd tell us that our mother wants nothing to do with us, that if she did love us, she'd try to find a way to come see us, and she'd have us in her life. We'd get lectured about Laura's missing music, and told that we ruined Laura's and her kids' lives. Sometimes my dad would get angry enough to slapping our faces. Other times he'd have Landen on the floor, literally on top of him, beating on him, and yelling in his face. Every night ended in an argument between Laura and my dad, usually about his kids ruining everything, and most of the arguments occurred only when they were drinking. To thim, nothing my brother, my sister, and I ever did was right.
Most of everything happened while my dad was at work. Landen had done nothing to start trouble. He'd get picked on, and then yelled at, and he'd get told he waas fat when he was one of the healthiest kids in the house, despite the food he ate. They finally got rid of him, though, after a couple of weeks of labor, being put on probation, and the hell he had to suffer, he was able to escape. Laura said he molested her daughter, that he was going in her room at night, while my dad was working, pulled her pants off, and tucked her in with her blanket. I do not believe he did these things, but I do know that he'd sneak into the cupboards and the refrigerator at night because he never got much of anything good to eat and he was still hungry. I know for a fact that if they did to me what they did to him, I'd sneak into the kitchen when no one was looking, too.
My dad started getting more and more violent as a result of drinking. Yes, I know it was wrong, but Laura instigated every account. They were both at fault. He went to jail the night he had us all scared and literally drug Laura to the stairs by her hair. All of us kids ran up into the bedrooms and grabbed the cordless phone to call the cops. That was the first time in a long time us kids actually stuck together.
When my dad got out of jail, though, it was court ordered that he wasn't allowed to come back to the apartment so he stayed in a room,where he worked, until he was "allowed" to come back. Laura always went over there to see him. It was like she was stalking him or something. She'd say he was cheating on her because there were nights she didn't see his car in the lot. She'd buy him groceries and even go on towing calls with him. The only time she was actually home was when she needed her booze.
While my dad was gone, things inside of me began to ach more. After a few months of dating Ryan, he dumped me. I didn't have my mom, I didn't have my dad, my brother was in foster care after both parents signed up parental rights for him, I felt like I lost Tracy to Laura, my half-brother and sister were still in whitehall because we were not allowed to call or associate with anyone there, and I had lost a guy I loved so much and knew he was all I had- Zack. I have gotten to the point of accepting he's gone. We were both young, but every time I see him, a part of me drifts away. He was my first true love.
I remember one night while my dad was working, Tracy, Laura, whom was drinking, and I, were up having a good 'ole time just talking and laughing and what not, but something bad always results out of the good times. Laura started making fun of my dad, talking about how he was a five-minute man and how he kisses her like she's a kid, that he pecks her on her cheek or mouth. Tracy and I laughed...we didn't know what to say. She told me to stand up so she could demonstrate the way he kisses her. I stood and she said not to worry, that she wasn't really going to kiss me, and she didn't. But she went to my dad and told him I was complaining about how he's all over her, like I'm jealous of her or something. That gave me even more hatred toward her. She told my dad that I wanted to have sex with him! I hate her for it! I hate hating, but she filled me with it! Tracy did not even stick up for me. She kept quiet.
Of course they were never that bad to Tracy because she knew how to get around them. She knew what Laura was doing and she knew how to defeat herself from breaking down. I believe she was the way she was with me for the same reason we were with Landen. That is, to make it easier for her, and I forgive her. I love her and am happy for her because she wasn't cut as deep as Landen and I. My dad did put his hands around her neck and held her up against the refrigerator while drunk, Laura did dogg her and put her down, she was accused of things, but she was still able to have somewhat of a relationship with them. She's obviously a lot stronger than me when it comes to that situation.
They were never really physically mean to me, but psychologically, it was a nightmare. Making fun of me, telling me I'm wrong for feeling the way I had felt, watching my brother suffer, how Laura would use her special skills in getting me to contradict what I said when I knew I was being more than honest, and how she'd put Landen, Tracy, and I down every chance she could. How her kids were so much better than us. Those years hurt me. I learned to frown more instead of smile through the pain like I usually did. I learned what real pain was. It was so easy for me to help someone else going through the same thing, but when I realized it was happening to me, I felt the need to give up. I went through a period of cutting my wrists. The pain I felt was too much to bare. No one could see the true, good, devoted heart I hold, and if they did, they'd take advantage of it, and it hurts. Cutting got me nowhere. It didn't help resolve my problems, cope, or take away the pain, but only left me with scars to regret for the rest of my life.
I started staying in my room away from everyone because they made it clear to me that I didn't matter to them. They didn't have to say anything for me to know. To look into one's eyes and see the way they treat you can tell all. There was always tension in the atmosphere when I was with them. I dedicated myself to writing poetry, and felt helpless at what really went on. What really happened will have an affect on me to the day I die. She was manipulative.
After they told Tracy to leave, my dad came back, and everything went well for a while. Tracy would come visit sometimes and I started dating Nate. I thought everything was okay 'till one day after getting off of the bus, I walded the girls home and a kid they went to school with pushed Helen down and started picking on her. I went over to help her up and Lacy ran to the apartment to tell Laura that I was laughing at her and making fun of Helen. That made me mad, but I was calm until Laura went on and started downgrading me and my family and saying she should have listened to my dad a long time ago by not letting us come with him. I told her I was not going along with the kid who was picking on Helen, buy they all insisted I was, and I just couldn't control my mouth so Laura told me to go to my room and I did. Laura told me to brak up with Nate, so I did. I went for at least four weeks eating barely anything. I lost a lot of weight within that short of time and now, when I eat something, I feel sick to my stomach or I feel like I will throw it right back up because I'm not used to eating much, but I know I have to.
Things started getting worse and all I could think of is, "God, why me? Is there a way out? I'm going to go crazy!"
Then something else happened. I think it was another incident coming home from the bus stop. Laura told me to stand in the corner, and I was thinking how pathetic she sounded telling a seventeen year old to stand in the corner, but I did, and I knew I had to have looked horrible standing there. It was embarrasing. Again, Laura ran her mouth about how she didn't want me there and said it was a huge mistake for her to have even brought us in. So I said that we were in the same boat, that I didn't want to be there, either, and I was right all along. I was a nobody around there. I was just somebody there to do the dirty work around the house. I was just somebody for them to bitch at and make fun of when there was nothing better to do. I was just me.
So my dad came in, hit me in the head with a thin, hardback book, and pushed me into the stair rail. I didn't have any bruises or proof that he did anything to me. It would've been hear say. Plus, I was never the type to go running my mouth about everything anyway.
The next school day I went to lunch and told Tracy about it. After they kicked her out, she moved in with my cousin and her dad, and step-mom, but still went to the same school as me. She was upset and she did believe me because she knew what went on. I told her I was done with everything. I was done trying to please them. I was done trying to prove myself to be good, devoted, and hard working. I was done living in an act of who I really am not. She was worried about me so that next period I was called down to the office where Tracy had gone to talk to the principle. He called children services and I knew right then I was in for another night of hell, and I prayed, God I prayed, that it wouldn't be physical and the emotional abuse wouldn't be as bad as it always was.
But it was. They wouldn't let me live it down. I wasn't supposed to talk to my sister about anything that went on, but God forbid me leave her out of my life. I don't care what she's done to me: she's my sister. Blood family. So because I talked to Tracy and children services were called, they said children services told them they had to press charges on me for whatever they could come up with because they were sick of being called for something in that apartment. I just shook my head and told them I didn't care, because, as bad as it hurt, I really didn't.
They took me to court for drug charges and disorderly conduct. I was not on drugs. The only reason she had that charge pressed against me was because I stayed the night with a friend the summer before last, and they had alcohol and pills. At first I thought for a minute and know I shouldn't do it because it's wrong. I was always the one who played it smart and walked away from the wrong just to stay out of trouble, but with Laura, it didn't matter, whether I did something or not, there was always something to be on my case about. I was already being accused of doing drugs anyway, so I just joined right in with the oxycotin and for once in my life I felt painless, like it's something I could do for the rest of my life, but once I realized what I was doing, I knew it was wrong. What I was doing was not me. I was becoming a person I really wasn't. I was becoming the person Laura percieved me to be.
So after takin two pills, I called home to say goodnight and that I was going to bed. Laura said for me to get home. Tracy had told on me for what I did. I thought I could trust telling her things. She was only mad and wanted to get mad at me for telling on her for drinking on the job. At first, Laura was good about it. Tracy was getting upset and crying, so Laura focused mainly on her, since I was being rational about it. From that day forward, though, Laura would rub it in my face that I didn't get in trouble for it and she'd say that I had a way of getting out of trouble.
But now I'm finally out and I have learned how to open my wings. To me, that pain I went through only made me stronger, even if I do feel weak. The pain made me much wiser than I should be at my age. Even as a kid I was left to fend for myself when it came to my emotions. I was always the one everyone depended on for help. I was the one who looked out for my sister and brother to make sure they were okay, but I failed Linden. I was the one who loved no matter who the person is or what they've done to me. I was always the girl who felt the pain another felt when I saw they were suffering something they hid. I felt and shared the joy when that was needed, and I cried with them when one needed a shoulder. I'm the one who cared...loved...suffered...helped...but four years ago, that had all changed. I had to hide that loving girl and bring her out when it was safe. Now I'm confused, helpless, scared, and I am the one who needs to cure this aching heart inffection. Still no one can see that. I need to be that happy, easy-going, fun loving person I once was. I need my stride. I need to just keep loving. I can't hold grudges.
The events that took place throughout those four years of my life are very memorable and vividly stand out. Those four years opened my eyes to a whole new perspective. One in which I must look past what meets the eye because looks and actions can be very deceiving. I was taught that not everything is perfect. I will make mistakes. People will look down on me, no matter how respectful I am; it's just a matter of what I do and how I handle the situation.
I learned that everything happens for a reason and that reason is the place you're led to in the end, but I'm sure I haven't made it there yet. I learned how to hide who I really am and show only that person whom everyone perceives me to be. I've learned what bitterness really feels like, and, to be honest, I don't really like to feel those negative emotions and think the negative thoughts I think, but that's just the way you turn out when one has destroyed just about everything good inside you, no matter how hard you tried to prevent it from happening. And it hurts.