We ask the question off the cuff,
the answers given aren't enough.
The question seems to make no sense,
the answers then in future tense.
We analyze a piece quite close.
The puzzle then seems oddly gross.
We try to look from far away,
to see what bigger pictures say.
No matter what change in perspective-
the universe is quite protective.
The summary that we truly seek,
from human eyes would seem so bleak.
The way we view this verse is small.
There's just no way to see it all.
Without the keys of understanding-
Our guesses often never landing.
The divine or biological debate,
seems foolish when they are mate.
Some will say they have solutions,
but their words are mind pollution.
Log the real truths that you see,
collect your pains and mystery.
Let the world leave you its print.
Then view it all through unique tint.
But my advice, you should not listen.
Or the point, you could be missing.
Your truth can only sprout within.
To sell your truth is all but sin.
So finally this rant I end,
with only one true wisdom friend.
"Sometimes lies could be truth,
and sometimes truth could be lies.
If either way you have no proof,
make the judgment with your eyes."
Author notes
PLEASE leave a comment! I crave your input even if its just to tell me you hate it.
I am sort of writing a poem every day based on that which inspired me that day. This is todays poem inspired by an exuberant young lady who posed several heavy questions to me today.
Comments
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Weighty Musings.
Hi Enoq.
A lot of thoughts congeal herein. This reads like an internal dialogue seeking validation for a searth for truth yet realising the relativity involved in such a Quixotic quest.
I think couplets usually flow best when they enjamb upon one another, with ending-couplets used for emphasis.
There s more than one poem in these musings - if I were to submit this to a publication I´d probably prune it by about a third, retaining those couplets which work best.
Your iambic beat is well wrought, especially at the beginning.
Judicial punctuation here would enhance flow also.
Regards
gG
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Thank you
I appreciate you taking such detailed notice to this piece. I did not spend much time on it and it does deserve a bit more chiseling for sure. Thank you again for your time spent on this analysis I will surely use your advice.
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Very good!
I think this poem is very well written!
You used very lovely words, and the way you shaped everything into those sentences is quite amazing!
Very lovely poem, I love it!
celticsoul
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 3, form: 4.
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Thank you!
That means a lot to me. I liked this work and it was very fun to write. I appreciate you taking the time to read it and am very glad you liked it.
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There's two things, either i don't like the couplet form or im just too sick to catch it. I felt reading it in my current state that it was too jagged, too run down. I liked the subject matter and the idea behind the poem. However, reading from one couplet to the next it felt like it lack fluidity. I don't know. I have a flu, so it might be that as well. Though i have to say, that the first few couplets had a perfectly good rhythm, after a while, the couplet form got to me, and lost rhythm.
This stanza:
We analyze a piece, quite close.
The puzzle then seems way too gross.
Felt like the rhyme was forced. Using the phrase "way too gross" to follow the eloquent first line didn't work for me.
I might have to give this a read some other time when i feel better. Anyway, i like the idea, sometimes i think people just have to discover for themselves who the other person is.
-iphios -
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Changed a bit
I changed some of the things you mentioned I agree with the flow on that stanza so I reworked it. Thank you for your input.
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I love it! I have been infatuated with couplets since I first began writing poetry, so you had me there. The change of structure in the last verse was very strong. Great job!
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I love the subject matter,the universe,the meaning of life,whats truth and whats not,does anything really matter,are we hear for a reason,i could discuss this stuff forever,physics,theology,philosophy...i`ll leave you with what Einstein said,he said that anyone who isn`t fascinated with the universe doesn`t have a soul.
good work,but i find that some of the punctuation marks you use don`t compliment your work ,the full stops
at the end of each stanza seem to detract from the flow of the poem and it seems to me that you use too many commas,its just my opinion,i am not an expert on punctuation by any means.
Regards,Rhetorica. -
hey EnoQ
Hey man how ya been? this started of with nice rhythm and flow and was working for me, but in the third stanza you don't need the comma between "puzzle" and "then". kills the rhythm of the poem. Same in stanza 4, remove those commas, they're not needed and only hurt the rhythm and flow of this poem. You've got some spelling mistakes, you have some "to"'s that are supposed to be "too"'s which doesn't hurt the poem, but should be fixed never the less. Also "Devinne" I believe you mean "Divine".
"Some will say they have solution,
but their words, are mind pollution."
I think the two lines above me would be better if you made "solution" plural, making it "solutions", idk why but to me it sounds better, But that's just my opinion. Other than that I rather enjoyed the poem, I'm usually not a fan of poems that are structured this way, with two long lines with rhymes at the end, and that being it. then just writing another two lines. Most poems with such a simple structure often use very simple ideas to go with them, at least the ones I've read, that I remember LoL, have been like that. You did a good job with this I think, which is a pretty big plus in my book, Congrats. Good job and thanks for sharing this. Took me a couple of reads to catch all of it, but it's definitely worth it in the end. I think you can make it a little better though, but that's just my opinion, just make the best poem that you can. You've got a solid poem here even if don't make any changes, I won't review it now, I'll wait a bit to see if you've made any changes, then I'll review it and score it. Thanks for sharing.
TTYSoon
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Done
See what you think now. Thanks again for the advice. -
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it's better
when I said that I thought you should make "Solution" plural and turn it into "Solutions" I don't however think that it sounds better to do the same to "Mind Pollution" I think it should stay single termed, then it stays in topic instead of allowing them to think of other topics. At least that's what I would do. I am still confused on what you mean with this line however...what does "Devinne" mean? I think you mean "Divine" which are things like holy retribution or things having to do with god, etc. etc. so I'm still confused about this line...
"The Devinne or biological debate"
But it's definately an improvement, there's still room for potential in my eyes.
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