I kick a stone
into the river.
The birds are singing
and the flow of the waters
hum to the rhythm.
They move on
like nothing ever happened.
So why is it so hard
for me to let go?
This river is calm
on the outside.
But it's heart
is as heartless as a rock.
It took little Ben.
3 years just isn't enough.
He doesn't get to grow up
or grow old.
No more LEGOS,
No more Lion King.
It just isn't fair.
And then I think...
aren't I as much to blame
as this river here?
I saw them that morning -
in their red kayak.
Why didn't I yell something?
Why the Hell
didn't I just yell something?
A warning would've been good enough.
Maybe I would be
sitting with Ben,
here, now,
playing Aquanauts.
Maybe he would've had a chance
at life.
But he didn't.
He didn't...
Carl's words echo
in my mind:
"We've got a pulse!"
I had felt so relieved
at that moment.
I had breathed life
into poor little Ben.
But when he died the next morning,
being "The Hero"
didn't matter to me anymore.
I sit with Tilly
and I pet her.
Little Ben
with his blueberry eyes
and blond hair
had passed on.
Maybe he was in
our butterfly garden...
somewhere.
I look this all over
and I wonder...
Is this really all my fault?
I tried as hard as I could.
The cold water
was just too much for him.
It was inevitable, either way.
Let go, Brady, just let go...
I keep telling myself.
But it wasn't inevitable.
I could have yelled something!
I could have yelled something...
But what good would that do now?
a little 3 year old is dead,
but I can't go on
blaming myself about it.
Me and Tilly stare
at the water
flowing beneath us.
She licks my face.
This river
which had claimed little Ben's life
stares back at us
with deceptive innocence.
It's heart is as cold
As that fateful day
when the Corsica took
little Ben away
from this world.
But life will go on.
Life will go on...
Reviews
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A.C....
I am extremely ANGRY!!!
Why, I ask, WHY must you be so oh-so-awesome? You made me cry.
I hope you're happy.
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I am not oh-so-awesome. You're just saying that to cover up that YOU'RE awesome Hah.
And I am happy I made you cry. Yay! 1 point for me.
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it's well written.I could understand the situation even though i haven't read the book.Beautiful ! Keep it up !
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Thanks. I was glad I could get the whole scenario through to you guys.
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this is good...very much so....
but some lines seem redundent....like the phrase "about it" in the lines:
"but I can't go on
blaming myself about it."
i don't know....
thank you
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Thanks for the criticism. I hope you don't mind, but I decided not to edit it, because even though "About it" isn't nessecary, I personally think it gives a better flow. Thanks though.
-AC -
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i don't mind at all
after all, it's really your poem...i know i don't edit most of my poems, juust because one person thinks i should xD
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I love it! It's so sad though! I actually got a little teary eyed... I get emotional reading sad things...
Anyways, great job!!
Hope.
p.s I wished I wrote like you!
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Yeah...
Lol. Yes, I just had to blow off the steam on this one. I nearly punched the table when Ben died. It really killed me. I can't believe everyone is crying over this. But I guess I can't blame you.
I'm listening to "Clair de Lune" right now. Listen to it on my sis's page (Tiger), because it really flows with the poem. The actual song makes me cry.
-A.C. -
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I didn't know your sister was Tiger, she's really nice!
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Psh. Yeah, right.
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hahaha
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I like it! Nice word choice
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WOW that took a while! Thanks, though.
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OK,you made me cry.
I can admit that because I'm tough enough to beat up anybody that laughs at me. I like the way you started out with a simple and gentle beginning and built into the tragedy of the poem. I think the fifth stanza is my favorite. I like the fourth stanza also. It wouldn't seem important any more after he was gone. I'm going to recommend some line breaks besides the one you already changed. In the third stanza I would drop {something} to its own line both times and Capitolize it. Double the emphasis
I could have yelled
Something
I'd drop these sections to new lines:
been good enough
sitting with Ben
playing Aquanauts
had a chance
the next morning
anymore
at the Corsica
little Ben's life
innocence
little Ben away
I'd capitol these words also: Died, Hero, Chance, Life Oh, and the one you weren't supposed to use in the first place. It made that line strong. Capitol H would make it stronger. Sorry Mom and Dad, but it's true.
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Done, done, and done.
I didn't change everything you said, but most things. I really appreciate putting your time into correcting me. Anyway, I'm really tired, so I'm going to go to bed now.
Greatly appreciate it,
-A.C.
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it touched my sentiments... the flow is brilliant and I sank into the river of sadness and I don't know why... repetition of 'I could have yelled something' works out well for me and it brings out the helplessness of the speaker... Stanza 4 is my favorite, I dont know I couldnt move from there for a little while... Yes you are right, even without reading the book 'red Kayak', I was able to understand this poem.
truely heartening...
Thanks for sharing
Love
-Kiddy
. Rewarded 8
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AC - A very sad story re-told with a lot of feeling and sophistication beyond your age.
The first stanza is especially good, a compact introduction to what follows. The comparison between your life's momentum and the river's is effective. Also the lines:
"...flow of the waters
hum to the rhythms..."
In the second stanza I think you could re-locate "no more legos/ no more Lion King" to follow "grow old" the next to the last line in that stanza. See what you think.
In the third stanza, I would strike the first "something" end of line 6, I think it gives the sentiment there a stronger build.
One last suggestion - in the final stanza you introduce the name of the river? Corsicana? not sure of the reference, but don't think you need it this late in the poem. So the last bit might read:
"Me and Tilly stare
at the river
she licks my face.
the river
stares back at us
with deceptive innocence
its heart as cold
as that fateful day
it took little Ben
away from this world."
But all those are just quibbles and personal preferences on a piece that is really poignant and full of deep feeling. Cheers, MJ -
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Thanks for the suggestions. I appreciate you taking the time to write this. I want to get this poem perfected and so far I'm getting a lot of good suggestions. Thanks so much.
-A.C.
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WOw, to retell someone else's story with such a sense of personal experience is amazing! CHEERS!
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The book gave many details as well. I just sort of went with the flow, you know?
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Well done
I think you do the authors message justice and if the character "little ben" was based on someone real then perhaps your efforts and concern truly stamp his death so not in vein. A great read.
. Rewarded 4
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I'm really not sure if Ben was real...(LOL, not you! You're real
) but it would be interesting to find out. I enjoy reading your compliments as always.
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Lake Absence
October 22, 2008