If you ever stepped into my life,
You would want to run away,
Like I wish I could.
You would be sad and lonely
And no one would care
At all.
If you ever stepped into my life,
You’d give up,
Like I do.
You would throw away your wishes
And dreams.
If you ever stepped into my life,
You would cry as if
There were no tomorrow.
And just sit in the dark
Waiting
If you ever stepped into my life,
You would laugh at my
Pity.
But then you would realize
What pain really feels like.
If you ever stepped into my life,
You’d never look at the mirror.
You would just cry and be
Disgusted.
And plan what you would do.
If you ever stepped into my life
The sun would never shine,
It’d be dark… always.
There wouldn’t be happiness… only
Sadness…
But then I realize..
You would never be me.
You’d never understand.
You would never listen…
Just let me cry…. And sleep until the day’s
End.
Author notes
Part fictional, I guess.. most true...
Anyways, revisions?
Hope.
p.s Thanks.
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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WOW
this is a good poem
whatever it is that your going through i hope you get through it
you have to stay strong and have high hopes and beliefs that you'll get through it
everyone has a time period in which they cannot bear and they feel that noone is there for them and doesnt understand them at all
but the truth is all types of people may experience the same kind of things you have and are taking it the same way but you dont have to suffer you just need to talk it out with whomever you feel comfortable...
sorry its so long but i hate to see people hurting
your poem was very good though keep up the good work!!
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Aw, thanks Mssbaker01!
Also, thanks for taking time to read my poetry and comment.
Hope.
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okay....well i like
it....seems pretty real.
and i hope you dont feel
like than anymore. have
confidence in yourself...
once you acheive that...
others will soon have
confidence in you as well.
:]
[[OB]] lyrically correct
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I write dark poetry too and i have to say i enjoyed your poem.It's perfect and nicely done since you are only twelve. I say that cause your writing is meaningful and can transmit emotions. Somehow i can relate with what you said.I enjoyed the last stanza.
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February Angel,
Aw, thanks!
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Hey Hope! As always great job. You asked me to edit, but I’m not sure where to start. Anyways from here on out put on you’re armor…
This poem was kind of cliché, but I’m sure you know that. There are a lot of poems like this. You avoided completed typicality but using free verse, but it still doesn’t have an original feel. You could try a different format to funk it up.
The language could have improved. I’m sure you have to put up with those long rants by language arts teachers about not using dead, simple words! One of these days, actually listen to them. (On the other days, I wouldn’t blame you if you blocked them out…
I think if you edited out dead words like sad to forlorn, you’re poem could be a lot stronger.
Also, for some reason beyond me, the introduction of “If you were me” could have been. Possible something as simple as changing it to “If you felt like me” or even “If you stepped into my life” would improve.
Once again these are just suggestions. If you want to delete this comment I will not at all be insulted.
Keep writing…
Lake.
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Thanks Lake! I'll edit it as soon as I feel like editing poems...
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*cries*
Your poem is far more awesome....
I wanna cry!!!!
Can i like make a poem-reply on your poem. It's like a poem reply from your poem. Is it ok? Anyways, you make cry... with tears flowing through my pale skin...
*cries*
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Um, sure? I honestly don't know what you mean... lol...
Thanks so much for your comment! It means a lot to me!
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Nice!
I liked it a lot. It was very sad, though. =/ Not that that's a bad thing! I loved the way you ended the poem. Beautiful. Magnificent.
I really think it's great. And sorry...I don't think I have good critics. I'm never great at criticizing, so I can't find anything that's wrong. For now.
BRAVO!
-Tiger
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Aw, Tiger
Thanks so much for your comment!!
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