4:01 pm
we almost did something
I said I wouldn’t regret
(but I’m not so sure anymore)
I’m scared, Alex
thinking about it now
I’m ashamed, Alex
remembering what I did
[I keep on falling
in and out of love
with you
I never loved someone
the way that I loving you]
only I don’t think I ever fell out
I just kept loving you
even as I hated you
even as you hurt me
even as everything fell down at my feet
[you’re my experimental game]
and, yeah, Alex I guess that’s true
(I’m scared to write this
because I don’t know how you’ll react)
I hate myself for this
for doing what I did
even for kissing you
the first night I saw you back
I wanted
(once upon a time)
to have children by you
and I guess that I still do
(though I’m not so sure anymore)
I just want to be yours
and you to be mine
and everything to fall into place
like a puzzle completed
I hate myself for wanting you that badly
I hate myself for giving in
I hate myself for not caring
whether I got in trouble or not
I hate myself for destroying everything
for someone who’s broken me before
I hate myself for not understanding
what the truth is anymore
I hate myself for wanting a guy
and wanting more than anything
to make him happy
I hate myself for being that easy
I hate myself for being a whore
I hate myself because I got nothing
(not even a boyfriend)
out of the deal
[if it makes you happy
it can’t be that bad
if it makes you happy
then why the hell are you so sad?]
I wanted a baby
but more than that
I needed to find out
if I could do this
[{(sex)}]
needed to find out if it was even worth pursuing
(and the sad part is
I still don’t even know)
I love you, Alex
but I can say that
in every poem I write
and you still won’t understand
I hate myself, Alex
because, more than anything,
I am so deeply ashamed
4:23 pm
October 29, 2008
Reviews
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alex, alex, alex
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i think he's in all your poems..........
if you listen to the band MEW all their songs are about someone too. a diffrent girl for everysong, kinda interesting -
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yeah...he is...but i love him...i just wish someone would understand that
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why should you hate yourself for the way you feel for another person? i can't say i'm much different, it's like a cruel joke knowing how deeply you can care about a person and how easily they can sometimes give up on you. if you truly care for a person why should your feelings die upon their denail of you? i loved very few people and told even fewer how i've felt. even when they've abandoned and abused me a small whithered piece of my heart still aches for them. love isn't something that comes easily and tends to shred every bit of you away in it's departure. at least be happy you've ever loved at all and you feel a deep remorse for losing it. i tend to say too much or not enough. one way i say what i mean is by writing it down. kind of sad that i depend on indirectly talking to somebody to get through to them sometimes. it makes me feel spineless and pathetic and the way i write usually scares people off. sometimes i write things to a girl who only exists in my mind, she'll never read what i have to say but it there if she ever does. love requires us to be frail in a world that's forced us to put up so many walls to keep out our enemies. everything takes a risk including everyday living, if you want to love you need to risk hurting. wouldn't you give anything for love? sex is a minefield where everything we say and do can set us off, it's a test, it's a sick joke, but we need it almost like proving our intentions. some people take it for granted some people take it to heart. it's up to you to decide who really cares for you and hold them to it. love may seem like a terrible thing sometimes, but would you rather care for someone however much it may hurt or continue existing oblivious to the idea?
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i hate myself, simply, because he hates me...but i do hate myself for loving him, because....i keep letting him hurt me...even as i know he'll do it again, i go back...i've been in love 5 times in my life- 4 girls, 1 boy...he was my chosen one...but i wasn't his...
sex is stupid...it f*cks everything up...and it's just another thing he can use against me...
i do the same thing- writing instead of talking..it's easier...i write sometimes just to stay alive...sometimes i write to write...and sometimes i write because otherwise, i cannot deal...
yes...the saddest part is i would give ANYTHING for love...my life is less important to me than being loved...and i try telling him that...but i don't think he gets it...and if he does, he pretends not to...
he's so good at pretending...so then i don't know when what he's saying is a lie...or whether it's the truth...
but, you're right with hwat you say, i would rather love than be oblivious....but, sometimes...when i'm hurting really bad...i wish to be oblivious...that's why i won't try drugs or alcohol- i know i won't ever quit...
anyways, thank you for your comment..
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sex can be a great and terrible thing. yea it really complicates things, what it should be is a way of expressing deep feelings for somebody in a way you can't do with words but it usually kind of gets slaughted along the way. some people become so consumed with sex and being satisfied they become blind to the fact that they're hurting people or just begin not to care. if you feel you can't trust somebody then don't, because they most likely are lying to you. yea i personally have never drank or used drugs, with the way i get at times i think it'd push me over the edge
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yeah...it would have made things easier for me in one sense- the fact that it would have told me...oh, this is hard to explain...but it would have told me two things, really- whether he only wanted sex, and whether i could have sex with a guy and not...leave...if that makes sense....if not, i'll try to explain it more.....
yeah...but i don't trust anybody....i alwayse xpect them to hurt me....but i ddi learn to trust him once...that's why it hurt so much when we broke up....
i personally think drugs and alcohol are stupid...all they do is take you away...so you don't feel...and i've spent so long trying to feel... -
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yea i understand it pretty well. usually getting close to somebody i care for makes things harder on me. i'm afraid if i become attached they'll leave, so sometimes i end up fucking things up for myself purposely so i'm in control of the leaving. as hard as it can be sometimes you should always try to have faith in people, even when they hurt you the most. if we don't have people then we're really just all alone. trust doesn't come easily but it's always good to give it a shot
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*laughs manically*
dude, seriously, i think you're one of the few people who get that- that it's easier to leave than to be left....
but, also, it make me feel more guilty...and i had a lot fo guilt already...so, yeah.....but either way, i would feel guilty....
but sometimes it's not good to give it a shot...like putting trust in someone who's broken you before...
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X-haydenx-xnochio-X
October 30, 2008