Selective Transgression Eternally Placed Home
It’s the rainy day on your holiday
The time the railway fell down
It’s the heart of blue that sings to you
As you just look around
That different song we knew all along
The roads you couldn’t make
My heart of sand that was in your hand
The paths you would not take
And all the men who built Big Ben
The time that they all took
The things we said upon my bed
And that brief furtive look
Infinite chances cast upon my glances
Just roll over and die
I guess I was wrong and I can’t go on
So I take this as goodbye
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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wow I really love this. Usually i can never get through rhyming poems, but this was really interesting, it almost sounds like a nursery rhyme but it isnt
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Reads like a song to me given the title and the lines that say "the heart of blue that sings to you" and the heart of sand that was in your hand is just too touching..I am thinking of a definitive music that would fit the verses..You definitely have have an ear for music to have written these good verses..I am deeply impressed..
Keep writing
RhythmDivine
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Each stanza seems to reinforce the idea of each other. I liked how each stanza funnels to being personal at the last two lines. The juxtaposition of the bigger picture as metaphor or background to the more personal experience worked well. More than just the rhythm and the rhyme scheme of abab-cdcd, i liked the consistent internal rhyme you put on the first and third line for each stanza. The internal rhyme gave this an evenness and steady rhythm despite the varying syllables for each line. Good poem, though in taste i prefer it far more concrete to give the reader a feeling as oppose to mere thought. Nonetheless, good work.
-iphios -
Wonderful!
I agree with ginger. Wonderfully written! I find the rhythm to be perfect and I love the song-like feeling I get from it. Keep on going!
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thank you
thanks for commenting, it was originally going to be a bit of a song, but I can't write songs so a poem it became. cheers for commenting
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I'm impressed...
I thought that this poem was very well written!
My favorite stanza:
"That different song we knew all along
The roads you couldn’t make
My heart of sand that was in your hand
The paths you would not take"
Wow...this kind of knocked me off of my feet, I thought that it was so well written, the imagery was wonderful. Great job here in my opinion!
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thank you, thats probably my favourite stanza from it too! Thanks
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Nice rhythm,the first two lines of the penultimate stanza sound childish,then the next two lines of the same stanza sound like you`ve been writing for decades.I never write in rhyme so i always find it difficult to comment on rhyming poems,but(IMHO)you have some good ideas here.
well done.
Bye.
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can you tell me exacltly what you mean by sounds like ive been writing for decades?
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Kep -
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Its mature writing,like you have really lived.
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ahh, thank you, i thought you meant that the poem seemed to be dragging lol. thank you
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