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Lively Luminosity

Whorls of color play
Languidly across my lids,
Shadows of a fleeting sun.
They dance away, away, away.
My echoing call they cannot,
Do not hear, for they
Will slip, retreating and
Pulling in an inky canvas
I want to follow, to flee
And live in this fairy glade
Of lively luminosity

does this work?

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Comments


  • Young Hawk
    March 29, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Yes it works. I absolutely love it. Your opening lines are amazing. One suggestion I have is to switch the placement of 'cannot' and 'do not'. I think it sounds better that way, but it's up to you. This is a very lovely piece.
    Keep writing!
    ~Hawk