I long to touch the hem of fate,
And dance along its shore.
I need to feel a stable state,
And know I could have more.
I want to see the end of hate,
And tally peaceful score.
I deny its opportunity-
And cast away its chance.
I desire a truthful insight,
For questions that I ask.
I require an honest invite,
to peek under the mask.
I crave occasional delight,
So in ‘you’ I may bask.
I lie to every part of me-
In this ambiguous dance.
I depend upon reflection,
That I may measure mine.
I yearn to mimic perfection,
Or nearly walk that line.
I demand my hearts protection,
Tranquility divine.
I defy my pure totality-
To maintain unnatural stance.
Long, Need, Want, Desire,
Require, Crave, Depend,
Yearn, Demand…
Stop.
Author notes
This one poured... I don't know my motivation. Sort of a beatnik evocation I suppose. I would appreciate your comments and or insight. Thank you for reading.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This is a very intresting piece for me, well I have been writting for a while now, i have never chosen to perfect my art, by teaching myself all the forms that there are out there, all of mine are just raw emotion, and on this one, i saw that the other readers were calling it a stanza, and i love it, that thats just bieng honest, i must agree with the reader on the word :beneath, than under, but that was how you felt it, so I say, write on
language: 2, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 3.
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You have a style very much like mine......do you do spoken word?
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Wow,
Wow you are a beautiful poet -
Concur
I love the depth of your thought. To me this is talking about ones desire to deal in authenticity. To become the most genuine person you can be and to experience people as they really are, not as they portray themselves to be.
I love this
I too crave sincerity, perfection, peace...
wonderful
Carly
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When reading poetry that rhymes i have to re-read it and try to take the rhyme out so i can understand what is being said. This isn't the poet's fault, its just how im wired. Anyway, the idea of desiring change, to be something else but this is a struggle every person has to face at one point. The constancy of craving for more of wanting more seems to also come up in this poem, which once again is part of being human. I like the couplets and how they balance out the stanzas. In general this poem came out well, i just have a minor suggestion on the third stanza for the lines:
(1) "to peek under the mask." - The word "under" puts emphasis on the mid part of the line, hence disrupting with the natural flow of the stanza. Most of the poem rises at the end, and doesn't have a stress at the middle of the line. I think "beneath" would work better.
(2)"I crave occasional delight" - Again "occasional" puts emphasis and stress on the mid part of the line, creating a broken rhythm. Like "under" it stick outs. I'm not sure which word to use, as the ones i have in mind won't work either.
On the last stanza, i think the ellipses is unnecessary, if you wish to create the feeling of continuity in the list don't add a punctuation at the end of "demand" then, create a three space gap between "demand" and "stop." I think separating "stop" into another stanza would create a halting end.
Anyway, these are mere suggestions that i hope can help. Nonetheless good poem, you're pretty good with rhyming without compromising thought. Have you ever considered trying internal rhymes?
-iphios -
Wow Enoq!
This was fantastic! What an interesting form; I loved how you took the gist of all of the lines and stanza's and grouped them together at the end. Wherever this came from, keep em coming!
I have gone over this a couple of times now and cant pull out my favorite line or stanza, they are all great. Whatever the inspiration, I was able to relate to so many of these lines, and I am sure others will too. Well written!!!
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