the bride
wore more
fake tan than
clothes
walked down the aisle
on her uncle's arm
demure as any
pole dancer
the groom's cellphone
rang
and he answered it
'shoot that fucker and
get me gear back.
what are ye lookin' at
father?
get on with it!'
outside
an entourage
big
as any
fucking footballer's
or pop star's
or business tycoon's
testament that
the happy-ever-after couple
were good as anybody else
see!
half a million worth
of happiness and joy
shamelessly displayed
before the stretch Hummer
secrets them away
to the airport
then to
Wherethefuckd'yasay?
six groomsmen
one hand
inside their tux
one eye
on all the well-wishers
Omigod! Fuck!
what can I say
it was just SO
Beautiful!!!!!!!!
I hope my kids
can have all that
one day.
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Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Wonderful
Sorry it's been so long since I've been on. unfortunately I can't say anything that hasn't already been said. I really like the beginning "more fake tan the clothes". That one line really hooked me and prepared me for the dark and humorous tone of the poem. I really liked it Wind hope everything is well with you.
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interesting!
great social commentary in a satirical way there! it was very filmic in the way i felt that i was sat in the audience watching the groom walk down. WHAT is success i hear you ask? it leaves us confirming the well known statement that money doesn't bring happiness and that you certainly can't buy class. well done i loved the informal style. i would be interested to see what you make of my poetry
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Good ranting
I always like a good satirical go at worthy targets. I know the gangland element here is your mainspring but it dovetailed for me with thought of repellent OTT and crass celebrity culture. Deserving of a lot of flak IMO. The way their lives are lived in our faces annoys me no end. And how so many cannot keep any aspect of their lives private, their publicity craving and commercial profiting from landmark moments (marriage, childbirth) is sickening. Like we cared anyway. More power to you Windhover in poetical sniping at OK targets and Hello regulars too, exhibitionists of the worst kind, a modern blight I reckon. I got off topic a bit, off on one myself. I'm like that, sorry. My best to you. Frank -
Hey again, mister
Lines 1-4 - You know me and my general aversion to free verse, but i was just wondering what the point was here. Take line 4, what does having the word clothes isolated serve? Although that said, if you moved the than onto the next line there'd be quite a nice 1-2, 1-2, 1-2 goingon, like footsteps as they go down the aisle.
6 - Is there a reason you went for uncle? Considering the tone of the poem I immediately had all sorts of images of a father in prison, or a dad who ran off when they were kids. Really nice touch
8 - Nothing like entertainingly bitchy poetry.
11 - If you're saying the telephone rang, and then show him talking into it, is a line saying "he answered it" not slightly redundant?
14-16 - I just love the characterisation, I can hear the voice in my head. And visualise the rather startled looking priest.
21 - I'd let your characters be obscene for you, if the narrator is too it only detracts.
28-9 - the inherent contradiction of that statement so poignantly sums up what you're trying to examine, really good couplet.
31 - It *would* be a stretch hummer wouldn't it? Aren't they just the most hilarious things in the world? Have you seen Marcus Brigstock's bit of stand-up about slags in limmos? You'd probably find it rather funny.
35 - Lovely bit of hilarious free indirect style. Although sounds more like a taxi driver than a limmo chauffeur.
38 - *each tux? or *tuxes?
43 - I think I'd give that "SO" a line to itself. It's frickin funny.
45-7 - All rounded off with a wry dose of sarcasm. In a way this really is a very Irish poem.
Just looked at what the title of this poem was again, genius Good write, the well-deserved anger definitely comes through, and the social commentary is very subtle considering how blunt and caricature-like such people seem to be in real life.
Laters mate,
Chrislanguage: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 4.
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Thank You Iorek
Hi Iorek and thanks for this considered and thorough critique, a rare delight these days. This poem was written as knee-jerk response to the gangland killing of an innocent man in Limerick just over a month ago in a case of mistaken identity. It's not meant to polished or evenly balanced, it is a rage against the drug dealer culture and the mindless values that fuel it.
I think I'll always be a free-verse writer at heart since virtually all my writing is basically just 'flow-of-consciousness' and I believe poetry is quintessentially just the language of the heart (I didn't mean that to sound so pretentious, it actually IS what I think). The reason 'clothes' stands alone is because I use line breaks to punctuate free verse and, in performance, I would definitely pause to emphasize the outrageous image of a half-clad bride. I had no thought about suggesting a two-step beat.
You 'caught' the significance of the 'uncle' thing very well. Thank you.
I deliberately pointed out the fact that he answered the phone to point up the outrageousness of him having it ON at all. Of course it got worse and I'm glad caught the desired images from that little 'scene'.
The obscenity about the footballers is intended to be sort of reported statement, how the scumbag would defend his status if challenged, not the authors view of footballers (though granted, West Ham are SHITE this year!)
The voice of 'wherethefuckd'yasay' was meant to be the bride's.
'Tuxes' just 'felt' too clumsy and each one had a hand in his tux.
Phew! Now - aren't you sorry you asked! Thank you so much for doing so, my friend. Best >W<
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Very vivid
I'm glad I wasn't invited to that wedding. Seriously, though, every word of this poem gave me a vivid mental image. I could see it all and it was disturbing. Good job!
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I do agree with what you say.This generation is disgusting and you've pictured it so well .The imagery is great and very vivid.I could picture everything .Your poetry was very detailed.Simple but it gave a full picture of this sick side of society like R said.What you say in it it's so true and your poetry would fit everywhere.Cause that's the way people are and that's the way society is.Anyway it was interesting and different from what I've read in here. Admirable job.
~Feb~
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Don't tar the whole generation with one brush.
Hey Angel. I wouldn't condemn an entire generation, but there is no doubt that materialism, fueled by growing wealth and diminishing morality in the West has made the scumbag criminal underbelly of our society a very ugly and dangerous thing indeed. This week an innocent student, Shane Geoghegan, was gunned down in Limerick, Ireland, in a case of mistaken identity and that's what prompted this poem. Thanks for the great comment. >W<
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clearly paints the picture of the sick side of society,what are the next generation of this breed going to be like,i dont know..vivid and harrowing poem,great work,i guess you felt compelled to tell it.
bye.
R.
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Lowlife Non-cultures
Hey R. Never mind the next generation, THIS generation is quite disgusting enough. Money doesn't usually enhance us a species, but in the hands of these lowlife it becomes something so ugly it is positively obscene. The intermingling of our itenerant communities with the fringes of organized crime is somehow poetic in its grossness. Yet still, to so many (fucking airheads), the ostentatious display of wealth (bling) is considered something to aspire to. These lowlife non-cultures are spreading like viruses in all Western societies. It IS scary - and yes, this one I felt really compelled to write. Thanks for the savvy comment. >W<
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hey john
i'm not the best reader so this was a tad unclear to me. coould have been the Dubliner dialect. sounds like a wedding jacking (like a car jacking) but i wasnt' sure who was doing to who. i thought this could fit better as a social commentary piece as oppossed to a story.
dave -
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Scumbag cultures
Hey Dave. This IS social commentary piece. The wedding is just a vehicle to show the type of people we're dealing with. Gangland and gypsies, pikeys, whatever you call them where you are, go hand in hand here. These scumbag cultures value money and ostentatious displays of it above all else. I just want to say how ill both of them make me. Some idiot scumbag wannabe gangster shot an innocent student in one Ireland's rougher towns this week (mistaken identity) and it's caused quite a stir. Yet so many airheads still worship bling, money and fame unquestioningly. As you can see this shit upsets me. Looks like the poem struggles to get the point across though. Thanks for the comment my friend. >W<
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