She smiles
Brokenly
Fake
Her soul is
Dead
Her body alive
Though
Counting days
As each one goes
By
Knowing that with
Each passing second
The closer her life
Will end
Her wish
She hates the days,
Just more time to
Think those thoughts
Dreadful,
Toxic, torture to the
Mind
Not knowing the
Truth,
the answers
lie deep in
My mind
That holds me in a cage
That doesn't have a key
That holds my heart,
My soul and poisons it
Black
Keeping me hidden from the
World, her
Life and love
Keep me in a dark, gloom filled
Cave
Only there is no tunnel with a
Light,
Or so I believe
Moon all day,
Only it isn't beautiful
If I can't be happy,
Then maybe death is
Better...
Author notes
NOTE DONE! I need help with the ending, so please give in suggestions!!
Thanks to some editing from Brian Balzer!
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
Thank you..
Thank you for posting this....
This is probably what most people can relate too.
Mostly me...
I love it. Good job. -
-
Thank you Smilie for the read and comment!
-
-
I like it. No clue how to improve, other than the suggestions Brian gave. Sorry for the useless comment. =[
-
Heartbreaking tale.
I hope and pray you have done a great job of imagining this and portraying it for us and this isn't how you feel. I think the short punchy lines serve this poem well. The hit the reader hard and sink in fast. I do have suggestions and corrections. Here they are:
As each one
goes by
The sooner her life
Will end
In the following section you change persepctives. Was that on purpose?
Everywhere else you have she and her.
You have also three {That} in a row, well four really. Consider this:
Not knowing the
Truth
The answers
lie deep in
My mind
They hold me in a cage
That doesn't have a key
which holds my heart,
poisens = poisons
Keep me in a dark
gloom {felled = filled}
Cave
There is no tunnel with a
Light
As to the Ending? You could leave it like it is and it would be ok. Or you could add something like:
Then maybe death is
Better...
than living with
the tortures of
my mind.
I hope this helps.
-
-
Thanks Brian for the read and comment. Yeah it was on purpose, I was getting into bed, but couldn't sleep and I kept on having different nightmares so I got a paper and pen and wrote different poems =]
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
