Once upon a time
There was a prince
he already had a princess
but it made him down-less
He felt guilty of being a prince
but it made him happy of being
at the mist
He always comes to the mist
crying out loud of bieng a dwibb
But then,
He saw the princess
that was in the mist
And she saw the prince unhappy
and she smiled for a bit
They played and loved each other
The prince stayed there,
for ever
for he wasn't unhappy there,
never.
Author notes
I just made this up.... I know it sucks but oh well, i'm bad at ryhming anyway.
Did you like it?
Comments
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I agree with Lake on the editing. Different rhymes and all that bla bla stuff =]
Other than that, you got a potential poem on your hands. But please don't take offence, but it's not as good/great as your other poems. Oh God, please don't be mad at me.
Hope. -
I have a couple of edits that I think would make this poem better, IMHO. So here's my edited version...I have a feeling I stepped out of line, but you can delete anytime and I'll put a less-imposing comment on. =]
Once upon a time
Attatched to a fine dame
There was a handsome prince
Unhappy he became.
His princely ways made his guts twist
Joy only came when in the mist.
(I didn't quite understand the next verse, so I improvised with what I knew.)
He always comes to the rain
crying out loud for all the pain
(I think seperated the "But then" is unneccesay and takes away from the flow of the poem.)
But then he saw a princess
Alone in the night
She saw the prince's grimace,
Gave a smile so bright
(This verse seems strange and out of place. I think the reader can infer so you don't need it.
So in the fields he stayer
Smiles and laugh forever
With her, sadness is just a myth,
And tears of pain came never
*
As you can see, I took out the word "mist" and replaced with other things. The repitition seemed like a lack of vocabulary, and didn't quite benefit the poem.
Keep writing,
Lake.
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