She was out in the
Forest.
It was murky, gloom filled
The atmosphere was moist,
Foggy, clammy
When she breathed, cold air
Came out,
You could she her breath
The grass was dewy, iced
Soggy, damp
The bark was cold and
Rough
The scratches on her face,
Arms, legs
Her tears were a waterfall
Wet, never ending
She watched the mental movies
That played over and over in her
Mind.
The tears were sobs and she
Was scared
Scared of everything
Herself, people,
Her soul and thoughts
She cried and cried at the
Thought of no one wondering
Where she went, where she
Vanished.
She just lied there
And eventually fell to
Sleep.
Author notes
Freewrite.. again.. xD
Anyways please comment on what is good and what needs to be changed and you know, all the bla bla stuff. lol
Thanks for all your help!
Hope.
Comments
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Another sad poem.
I like the way you've put her in the forest and used that as a way of showing her isolation. I like this but I'm going to throw suggestions at you to choose from. After reading the poem I felt the opening line should be: She was lost in the
Drop out {cold air came out} Her breath is warm and that is why it's visible in the cold air. It will make more sense with out it and still sound fine. I'd drop out {iced} also. It can't be iced and dewey. If you meant it in the sense that you would ice a cake I'd use: The grass was layered / with dew - or something like it. This seems like an incomplete thought: The scratches on her face,
Arms, legs. This should either be followed by something like: were fresh or were bleeding. You may have meant to say: There were scratches... I'd change {Wet}. It's stating the obvious. Perhaps try: which flowed / never ending. I'd rearrange these lines and change them a little:
She watched the mental movies
That played over and over in her
Consider something like this:
The mental movies
which played in her mind
over and over
tortured her or tormented her or plagued her
Her tears became sobs. I think that sounds a little better and makes more sense also. I think that this:
She cried and cried at the
Thought of no one wondering
Where she went, where she
Vanished.
Would sound better as:
She cried endlessly
at the thought of
no one wondering
Where she went
when she Vanished
I would end the poem there. I think this is a good poem for a free write. Keep up the good work.
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I like it. Yeah. Useless comment, I know. But I honestly have no idea what to say. And you like comments, I know. =] So keep on writing or else I'll hack your feet off and tie you to a chair and force you. You probably wouldn't like that too much, eh?
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Lake,
Thanks for the read and comment. And no, I really wouldn't like that..... xD
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