Chilling
A battleground
clouded with the smoke
of gunpowder
burning in my nostrils
blocking out any other
possible smell.
Strewn across
fields of blood
bodies lay silent
Not one moan of agony
just the eerie sound
of nothing.
1777...
a year to remember.
A year of death, shootings,
and more death.
What good comes from killing?
I drag myself across
the sea of dead
I cannot bear
to glance at my leg
lying somewhere
with all the others
instead of attached
to my knee
where it should rightly be.
The pain overwhelms to the point
I may be swallowed by blackness
at any given second.
But drag myself forward
will I.
Nature carries on
the wind still blows
the trees still sway
the sun still shines
and the grass is
more or less green.
British or not
now we're all redcoats
...Death lingers
and leaves a somber silence.
Author notes
Revolutionary War time. ^
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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WOW
You really write amazing poems about historical events! I mean REALLY as if you were there smelling the gun powder and staggering about without your leg.
I love this. the way the person is in the moment experiencing with all their senses, hanging onto life ans death seems to close in on them from both with in them and all around them. I love how you show that even though this person is experiencing all these thing that nature and time pass without a glance to the circumstance of war and death all around. The stanza about the wind, trees, sun and grass is beautiful and perfectly placed.
you are a gifted writer in this field.
My Favorite Stanza:
"I drag myself across
the sea of dead
I cannot bear
to glance at my leg
lying somewhere
with all the others
instead of attached
to my knee
where it should rightly be.
The pain overwhelms to the point
I may be swallowed by blackness
at any given second.
But drag myself forward"
I actually gasped when I realized that the persons leg was blown off!
Blessings
Carly
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5.
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Carly!!!
Nice to hear from you. As always, your comments are WAAY to sweet and they always leave me smiling (and in this case, laughing at the mention of a missing leg
)
I appreciate your time and thanks so much!
Regards,
- A.C. -
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Welcome
It is really my pleasure to read other peoples work and btw my comments are sincere, you should be proud of your writing
LOVE & LIGHT
Carly
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sweeeeeet
love it. i think shows the agony and sort of irony in war for freedom...
i like the "redcoat" thing, clever. but it was the first reference to the revoulationary war taht i could tell in the poem. maybe you could give another clue earlier in the poem?
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Oh yeah
Good idea.
- A.C.
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Simply Awesome,
i love it, So descriptive for being so far away, it doesn't stop you one bit, Awesome!
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Very good poetry
but I think a bit of word re-arrangement might make it better such as:
L1S4 burning instead of it burns
S2L3 silent bodies lay
S3L5 lying?
(replace instead of attached
to my knee
where it should be.W/
instead of being attached
to my knee
where it should rightly be.
S4 Nature carries on *I think this makes the point
the wind blows
the trees sway
the sun shines
and the grass is
more or less green.
I might write the closing as:
We're all redcoats
...Death lingers
Only my humble opinion- use or lose
I am still a fan for your poetry.
Friends-
Rich
language: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Cool. I'll edit some.
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Very nice
Good job adding a main character to sort of empathize with. -
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Thanks.
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Vicarious Projection
You seem to write a lot about things that are very far removed from your own life. It is always very well done and narrow focused so that it can be delivered well. In a piece like this I would only suggest that you use all senses to your advantage to place the reader in your vantage point. How did the gunsmoke smell? Who is seeing this visage?
These are only suggestions to make it a little more then what it is. It is already a great piece and a well done projection.
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 5, tone: 3, form: 3.
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Thanks. Let me think of something first.
- A.C.
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