Clipping the obituaries,
I am very careful
not to cut
through any
of the text.
Not even the text
of the obituaries
surrounding the one
I am cutting
out.
I use tailoring shears
and barely breathe.
Pages stain fingertips
like moth wing dust
newsprint curling softly onto tabletops
or pinned on cork.
Respect for the dead
takes many forms,
comes instinctually as prayer.
I tuck it into my wallet
where the dead
outnumber the living
in plastic photo slots.
Sometime
when I go to pull out
some change
or my MasterCard
it will be gone.
And I will feel afresh
the loss.
So many things.
Lost.
Comments
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I was almost holding my breath when I read this one.Wonderfully written. You have dwelt on a sensitive topic in an intricate and powerful way!
Good work....
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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You are very clear and to the point I loved it ....excellent writting.
~ERIKA~
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Bittersweet reality
"And I will feel afresh
the loss."
language: 3, rhythm: 2, subject: 2, tone: 2, form: 4.
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Firstly, I like "Clipping" with "obituaries."
Personally, I would completely lose the second stanza as the deep respect for the dead is more than adequately shown by the rest of the poem.
I would also cut out "It's delicate work." You've already shown this through the use of imagery i.e. "tailoring shears" and "barely breathe."
I think the fourth stanza is the best of the poem. "Pages stain fingertips/like moth wing dust" is both delicate and beautiful. The image of the "newsprint curling" is wonderful (though I'd drop "softly")."Skewerd" seems a little too abrupt, unjustifiably so considering the tone of the poem.
Pardon my saying so, but I would let the rest of it go. I believe that you already have a poem, that with a little re-working and tweeking, stands on it's own just fine after stanza four. Although I do like the "prayer" bit, so maybe you could tie this in somewhere with the curling newsprint left as little notes for God (trite, huh? but it's the best I can do on such short notice).
These are only my thoughts and suggestions. Again, your sensitivity and talent impresses the hell out of me, so I know that whatever you decide to do with this, it will be something someone should proudly publish.
By the way, when are you going to stop hiding your face behind that crummy pie? -
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Hi, Brandon. After your overwhelmingly positive review on the "my heart is a rain barrel" poem, I had actually worried a bit that you'd gone soft on me. I'm glad to see your blunt criticism back in full force. I think your suggestions are very good, and will apply them soon.
On "skewered"-- I was trying to connect the image of the moth wings with the image of insects mounted on cork. Initially, I thought of moths pinned to cork, but then I thought "pinned" was too obvious a verb, plus T.S. beat me to it with "pinned and wriggling on the wall." I think you're right that skewered is too harsh. Any suggestions?
I also agree that the poem could be cut in half and be complete. But part of me, that little OCD part of me that clips obits in the first place and keeps them, wants to include the futility of my little gestures, clippings kept in the wallet only to be lost, life is lived only to be lost, etc.
Little notes for God-- not so trite, especially to a reformed Catholic like me, sort of like milagros clipped to a saint's robe, or a wailing wall.
It's funny you ask about my picture-- just yesterday, I toyed with the idea of putting a new picture up. But I like my pie-- and "crummy"? Was that an intentional pun? If so, *GROAN*. Anyway, I never thought my face mattered.
Thanks, as always, for the feedback, and shaking me out of complacency.
Lauren -
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I agree...
that our faces don't matter, but it is nice to have a face connected to a name. Moreover, and I risk sounding like I'm fawning, but your poetry is far too good to be represented pictorially by filled pastry. There is the argument to be made that the more shallow of us might skip reading your stuff after seeing your avatar. Not me, of course, because I could never be so shallow (I kid you). Besides, I'm just personally curious to know what you look like. -
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True. I guess it *is* the start of the Obama era after all-- time for change.
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I like SOurces comment and agree
As always your intriguing and masterful in your execution of message on topic. I am quite curious on this persons manor isms in other aspects of life.
I wonder if you meant instinctively instead of "instinctually" though.
Perhaps just an exercise in license that I missed.
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 2, form: 3.
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Hi, Enoq. First off, my humblest apologies for not responding to any of your kind and thoughtful remarks on my work. I am a student, and school just got out for the semester, so I have a little free time to read, respond and just generally get caught up with my Sharepo family. I look forward very much to checking out your work.
This poem is about me-- I work for a college, and one of my jobs is to assist with alumni activities, which includes keeping an eye on the obituaries for any alumni that have passed away. If one appears, I clip the obituary and make the necessary updates to our records and we send a condolence letter to the family. I'm a little bit OCD, and I found that when cutting the obituaries, I am extremely careful not to mar any text, the way one might avoid stepping on someone's grave. It just seems somehow disrespectful. Or I am just OCD.
I have written a great deal of death, also, because there has been a lot of death in my family in the past few years-- my great-grandmother, two grandmothers, and my husband's grandmother have all passed away. I clipped and kept their obituaries as well.
On instintively vs. instinctually -- I consulted the dictionary, and both are correct in the context. I must admit, I couldn't find a difference between them, and I have no idea why I might have written instinctually rather than instintive myself. Exercise in license indeed-- Frost said that all writing is constant decision-making, yet I often feel like the poems come through me rather than from me. Strange, isn't it?
Again, I am very pleased to make your acquaintance and I hope to return the favor as soon as possible.
Pie
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Wow, A Memorial Gardner of text!
Very nice, a fresh outlook for me. I hear in my minds eye what I read and I see in my mindseye a caretaker grooming the memorial garden. Thank you for the originality. I am most assuredly not even in the mindset of your thought, but itsnt that one of the wonderfull things about poetry? I just dont need to be to find emotional contact.
language: 5, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 3.
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Hi, s0urce. Thanks for reading and the kind words. I agree, one does not need to be in the mindset of the poet to get or enjoy a poem. I think it's the job of the poet to bring people into his or her mindset. Welcome to Sharepo, I look forward to checking out your work.
Pie
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omg this poem is amazing i loved it! it was very interesting
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Hi, fellow pastry.
I'm glad you liked the poem. Thanks for reading.
Pie
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Turning a New Leaf.
Interesting slant on an (as usual)interesting subject, Pie.
The obituaries collected serve as succinct memory posts and the care with which the narrator prys them from newspaper underlines the reverance and respect for the passing of the formerly appreciated that perhaps in death become cherished.
If a quibble could be interjected I´d leave out the second to last lines punctuation mark (a pathetic quibble to be sure!)
Lingering like nostagias ubiquitous dust.
Nice one Lauren.
Warmest regards
gG
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Hey, Simon. I was just thinking about you. Nice to see your eagGle eye on my page, and, as usual, I think your quibble is well-founded. I will remove the offending punctuation. Thanks, as always, for the read and the kind words. I am coming up on holiday break in a few weeks, and I look forward to hanging out around here and getting caught up.
Cheers,
Lauren
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i don't understand the connection between the poem and the title...but i'm also not very smart O.o
it's a good poem though and i really like it...
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Hi, D&B. Thanks for reading and the kind comment. The title was just meant to be a word play on the action of cutting paper and the action that was occuring in the poem. A papercut is also a very painful cut, as is the act of cutting out an obituary. Don't say you're not smart-- it takes a truly intelligent person to admit they don't understand something.
Thanks again,
Pie
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Incredible. How are things Pie?
Delicate poem Pie and as always its meaning unexpected. I have a thing for seemingly mundane images used as a grounding point to an experience. The delicate activity of cutting the obituary was such a powerful image. It stuck after the read. I had to mull over the image for a few minutes. Once again you made me SEE images and imagine your poem as a scene from a film. Its almost desperate in an attempt to keep hold what was lost and yet cyclical as the loss is never truly regained. I learned about that feeling from death. A death early this year made me realize one thing: we never really move on, we simply cope. At the end of the day, that hole in once heart remains and can never be filled.
Your play on the concept of Lost and loss was skillfully delivered. Lovely Poem pie.
-iphios -
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Thanks, Iphios. Sorry I'm not around much these days. I'm working and going to school full-time, working on a book, and my husband is having some health problems now. I really appreciate this comment, as well as your comment before on the hard boiled eggs piece. Sorry to hear that you've had a loss in your life. We have lost several people in our family in a short amount of time, and no, one never moves on.
I work for a college, and one of my tasks is to handle alumni events and info, so I read the obituaries every day to see if any alumni have passed away. If they do, we keep obituaries, and I caught myself being so careful with the pages. That's where this poem comes from.
Thanks again, and I hope to get caught up with you soon.
Pie -
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Hey Pie,
Same here. I come in and out of the site and my commenting comes in irregular burst of energy. Most of the "oldies" of this site haven't been as active, so i guess its the natural turn of events. Anyway, i hope things are turn for the best for your husband health-wise. A book? interesting. Good luck on that.Glad to hear from you again. I appreciate the reply.
-iphios
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