She's buried under a blanket of dust
gathered over the course of her whole life
There's no breeze in the house
nor is there a maid who comes every Sunday to clean
The boy is in the hospital
The parents are at work,
working day shifts, night shifts.
He visits sometimes,
the parents are nervous,
stirring dust on the floor
but not on her.
One day, he smashes china dolls
one
by
one
Shards and dust everywhere.
The father is speaking
The mother is weeping
The boy can't hear.
His strong fingers
are around her little body
The dust is shaken
from her little face
She's buried under a blanket of dust
gathered over the course of her whole death
There's no breeze in the house
nor is there a maid who comes every Sunday to clean
The man is in the hospital
The parents are in Heaven
Watching daily, nightly.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Wow....
I alomost cried of this. I really like, It's kinda creepy but beautiful. I like how you describe the actions/events. I like how you choose or think of the title. I really admire the words you choose of teh events.
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 3.
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Thank you very much, it is a little creepy, sometimes I tend to do that, I don't know why. Word choice is very important in a poem because the words are the most important things in a poem, you probably already know that
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And shes about to get smashed into a million pieces,very moving,sad poem about a little boy with some sort of mental illness whose parents dont seem to be around for him or truly understand his condition
very good poem,you should work on the ending though,maybe end it as you started it,up to you
see you later
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Thank you very much, I'll think about how to end it
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I was thinking about what you said your poetry .China dolls are similar to porcelain dolls i guess .Human mind is so fragile ,breakable just like china doll.Emotions ,pains ,illness ,hurt can break it in thousands of pieces ,leave it blank ,buried . Now i can imagine everything clearly on my mind.Great imagery ! Bravo !
~Feb~ -
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That's exactly true
thanks so much
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I think it's a very interesting piece and you've described it well.I like the relation between china dolls and the mental illness of the guy . I was wondering why did you use china dolls and not just dolls .But i guess that it's because they are more fragile and easily broken . Dust is another artistic detail that makes your poem more complex . Well done !
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Thank you, that's exactly why I used china dolls, they're so fragile and breakable, I hated them because they weren't cuddly or fun to play with, they were always cold but really pretty, I had one and it ended up sitting there getting dusty
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Complex
Hey Cee. This is interesting but a little complex/confusing. It seems to begin with a nice conceit about dust, that dust being a metaphor for something else, something clogging up an individual's life, a product of some neglect maybe?
There seem to be three players here: the parents(one player), a small boy -- and the mysterious heroine. Who is she? I'm thinking some sort of disabled/damaged individual, wrapped in too much cotton wool from a misguided/perfunctory sense of caring from the parents. The little boy lashes out somehow,frustrated, causing a catharsis of some sort.
That's what I'm getting -- am I close? If so I'm thinking a lot is left to assumption here and perhaps the author knows much more than the reader is allowed to. If so it makes for limited appeal.But once again you take on an original topic in your own way. Good write. >W< -
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It's about a china doll, and the little boy has a mental illness, it's hard on the family and that's why the parents are always working, to make enough money to support themselves and pay for the little boy and everything that comes with his condition. The house is filthy because the family is really busy and poor, they have a collection of china dolls which the little boy smashes on one of his visits. The parents are scared of his outbursts and worried, they don't know what to do. You're right about the dust clogging up someone's life, I meant to center the poem around that but I got carried away, at the end I tried to lead the poem back to the doll and the dust, how she's "set free" by the little boy who grabs her and is about to smash her. I guess it's not very good because it doesn't really have a message, the doll doesn't do anything, she just gathers dust and enjoys that very brief moment of enlightenment before she gets smashed into pieces.
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