His smile pleases me, so warm and inviting
his laugh is strong and soothing
his touch sends electricity running through me
and as for me...
MY smile is crooked and contained
when I laugh it is vigorous, loud, and out of control
many social defects separate me from the rest
if I can't be popular, can't I just be left alone?
As long as he's there, I feel unimportant
he outshines me as only he can
even if he doesn't mean to
I feel his presence with me constantly
a celebration isn't a celebration without him
a weekend is a forsaken hour of lonliness
waiting for him to call is such a hassle,
but Monday is another time, gazing up at him
waiting for him to approach
and when he does,
he has witty remarks to make me smile
bits of strange and useless information
and a smile on his face
assuring me my choice was right.
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Comments
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Young love...
I miss those days. I don't miss the challenges of the social scene. I was the awkward one that didn't fit the ideal of cool. Therefore I clearly understand line asking if you couldn't just be left alone. Rarely are those who don't fit in left alone though. It seems all to often the popular delight in making the unpopular unhappy as well as unimportant. I'm glad to see that he smiles for you and engages you to make you smile. I have a few suggestions for your poem. I've learned since joining sharepoetry that we use commas sparingly. I'm told the reason is that they clutter the poem and distract the reader from the poem itself. Often no punctuation is used at all. Based on that I'd recommend you remove the commas at the end of the lines. Personaly I'm not a fan of starting a line with and or but unless it's necessary to add an extra beat or connect it to the previous line. I would remove all of the ands except maybe the last one. I would also remove the but. I think all of those lines are able to stand alone. You have started lines five, six and seven with my. Sometimes repitition is a good thing. However, in most cases you want to avoid repeating words. Here is how I would suggest you consider doing it:
MY smile is crooked and contained
When I laugh it's vigorous
loud, and out of control
Many social defects separate me
from the rest
Shorter lines are better for a lot of poetry. The short lines sink in fast. Longer lines seem to give a gentle flow though. I would at least drop this and make it one line:
waiting for him to call is such a hassle,
Although I'm not crazy about the phrase if that's the way it feels then keep it of course. I always found waiting for a call to be so much more than a hassle. It was torture. Waiting for that call time stood still. Waiting for that call caused such agony. Of course these are just my opinions and I certainly hope you aren't offened by them. Keep up the good work.
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