"Well, I arrived at a familiar destination
late last night or early this morning.
My glazed eyes, at the time in orbit
come smashing down, re-entering our atmosphere.
I try to focus on the evasive numbers
on the digital clock, reads 3:92.
But the time's inconsequential
at this point and time.
Inadequately stumbling up the stairs,
drawn back by hampered balance
and coordination.
I singled out a path
and navigated myself through the midst
of an obstacle course.
A laundry basket and some downhill
ski equipment had tangled
itself within my jacket and shoes.
Unaware of the volume of my voice,
I had awoken everybody from their slumber.
Intoxicants muffled my mouth, muttering madness
mumbled and misconstrued by many.
After my interrogation the
punishment was handed down.
My roommates sentenced me with their
hypocritical tongues.
Washing away any spark or bravado
I had left with their dirty bathwater.
Slowly adding to the flames
with each word another brick is layed.
Like all avalanches, it only takes so
much before falling from so little.
A fearsome feather indeed.
In a fury I dashed to the highest room and
simply dove right out the window."
I tell the tale of my last night alive
to the conductor of the biggest elevator.
He stares at me blankly and motions
for me to join him inside the elevator.
As I enter I curiously ask the last
question I had left in my mind.
Speaking my last words I asked
"So do I go to Heaven or Hell now?"
Author notes
IDK what I was thinking...Subject matter aside, and getting into the form of this poem, this is definitely a different step out there in style or way of writing for me in a lot of ways. So please NOBODY HOLD BACK AND PLEASE BE BRUTALLY HONEST AND GIVE ME YOUR TRUE OPINION, thank you very much for those who take this place seriously. Thanks
anything??
Comments
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Vivid writing
I found this one to be quite pleasant poem. If I got it right, it starts out trying to quietly sneak back into your dorm room after an all-nighter at the pub. Then after the mission failed and receiving the wrath from your awoken roommates, the poem takes a sudden twist of hopping out the window and dying and finding yourself in an elevator with the grim reaper. I like it!
And am really looking forward to part two of this poem. Something maybe about the adventures of you and the grim reaper in the esoteric-elevator, then just to waken in the morning realizing it was just a drunken dream( or something like that…
This one shows brilliant vivid imagery, MM. A true joy to read!
Bill
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ahhhh haha BiLL!!
LoL you just mentioned the perfect sequel to this, with him waking up and all of this just being a nightmare. That's pure genius. I wish I would have thought of it myself, and earlier!! LoL At first I was going to add more to the ending of this poem. But I liked where it left off, and I've been trying to write the sequel to it, but haven't been able to make it as interesting as I'd like. Your idea has inspired an idea for me, which are kind of related in a way. So I am kinda stealing part of your idea. LoL Hope ya don't mind. Anyways thanks for inspiring an ending for this two part play LoL. The biggest problem I've been having is making this elevator ride more interesting. But I'm sure I can fill that in with something. Anyways I'd just like to thank you for taking your time and reading, and even more so that you ALWAYS seem to take the time to leave a thoughtful comment after reading. Not something like 'yea i really liked this one alot' LoL It's been much appreciated and you've been one of the writers that I respect here very much, the thing that really makes me appreciate what you do here is that you're always honest and thoughtful. Which when dealing with other poets that are at your level of writing, most don't seem too eager to help or give out thoughtful and constructive criticism. Also I'm glad that you enjoyed this poem, not many have read it, and if they have, they definitely didn't like it enough to leave a comment, or hate it enough to leave a comment behind either LoL. So I guess I just wanted to thank you very much for everything my friend.
TTYL
MM
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The mood of this reminds me of someone being drunk, depressed, and uncaring. I like the description and how it helps place the reader in the setting. It almost reads similar to a short story. The negative mood leaves a mystery which kind of leaves me in wander. Almost like an ending to a movie that is missing a piece. Although, getting too in depth may have ruined the feeling of the writing. I also like that it's kept a bit mysterious.
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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