They lamented with tears of stagnant liberty.
Screaming for your children.
Feet worn down by perpetual hostility.
Nothing heard.
Nothing seen.
Nothing said.
Ignorance.
They penetrated the heart's of every American.
Scathing innocence.
Raping hope.
Terror gleamed from the skyline, illuminating the eyes of every broken soul. The formidable stench of loss rapture, and hindered spirits.
Violating your sanctity , they smiled with vain valiance. Crumbling. Tormenting.
Readily prepared to end their repulsive entity, for the sake of their superficial ideological redemption. Naively yearning for their feeble salvation.
Their hearts bleed black brutality. Diverging from their souls remorseless.
Weep now young child, for the years of devastating calamity have yet to subside.
Weep now young child, for the future craves your diligence.
You are -> tomorrow.
So Live -> today.
Our country, prominent in it's essence, and founded on the presumptions of
Liberty && Freedom
Has yet to fulfill the expectations of it's people.
Yet we fight.
We die.
We love.
and we defend, this place in which equality is an assumed luxury of life, and discrimination has allegedly left itself in the hands of our primitive past's.
But be not fooled by the progressively fading image of such.
Rejoice in the mutual fidelity of those you hold dear.
Draw the children of the earth into your arms, and hold them near.
For they are the strength.
They are the protegees of our land.
They are the future.
Comments
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nice
You really have a way with words and making them become real to the reader. I thought this was a great piece of writing and really puts the images in the reader head.
my favorite part:
"Weep now young child, for the years of devastating calamity have yet to subside.
Weep now young child, for the future craves your diligence."
Power to your pen,
-Jas.
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Damn. This is truly amazing. I loved it. So many big words haha it really instills the image though.
Lovely piece of writing. Your words really set the mood. Man, I was pissed and I felt violated too.
I love the title. It fits well.
"Feet worn down by perpetual hostility.
Nothing heard.
Nothing seen.
Nothing said."
^This was a wonderful way to start it. "feet worn down" is so unique. But all of your work is unique and I enjoy reading every piece, even if I don't always understand it... hehe.
"Weep now young child, for the years of devastating calamity have yet to subside.
Weep now young child, for the future craves your diligence."
^I love that "weep now young child," is repeated. I'm a big fan of repitition and I found that a wonderful part of the poem.
This piece is very full of hatred.. especially in the lines:
"They penetrated the heart's of every American.
Scathing innocence.
Raping hope."
^Very hateful. I love your word choice there. My mouth dropped at the word "raping." That's good...
"Draw the children of the earth into your arms, and hold them near.
For they are the strength.
They are the protegees of our land.
They are the future."
^Perfect way to end this.
I only have one question: why this form? Why the long lines? Just wondering... I think it would have more of an impact if the line lengths were shorter, but I'm not complaining.
Great write, hon. It tugged at my emotions hard.
-Krista
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This is good
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1 - You can really turn a good phrase, you know.
3 - Now this might just be me, but the opening here has a slight lyric quality to it. Especially with the rhyme between liens 1 and 3. I would be personally very tempted torepeat "Screaming for your children" after line 3, almost as if it were a refrain. I'm not sure why, but in my head there was almost a gospel style call and response thing in my head going on here, as if the poet were preaching.
6 - Good anaphora. The swift sucession of short lines has a nice impact after the first three.
7 - What exactly are you saying is ignorance? I might understand once I've re-read but I'm not fully sure of what this line is doing.
8-10 - I don't know if you intended this, but between the "penetrated the heart" and "raping" there is a very violent, active, almost sexual, language being used of the "they" here, and I think that works very well. But in view of that I think you might want a different word to "scathing". "Scathing" is cerebral, you scathe something by talking or laughing, whereas the rest of your language is violent and physical.
11 - Good strong assonance, begs to be read aloud.
12 - Do you want stench? This stanza seems to be talking about how it looks, the gleam on the skyline, illuminating eyes. it's all lights and sight and looking. "Stench" pulls against that coherency.
- "loss rapture" I think is a great phrase, at least in terms of the public reaction to events like 9/11 (which I assume this is a reference too).
13 - Not entirely sure what's going on with the lines and stanzas att he oment. I don't know if the confused layut is supposed to mirror the franticness of the tone, but it's a little bit *too* confused, i think.
- Really fantastic language though.
- "Crumbling. Tormenting" I think I would put on a line together.
14 - These lines, I think, are vital in content, because IO think they provide a lot of the meat, regarding what this poem is about, however I'm not sure how good the poetry is. It's wordy and inelegant,a nd whilst it communicates what you mean it's not "good writing", if you will.
15 - Not sure about some of your adjectives. Must that form of ideological redemption necessarily be superficial? How are you meanign superficial here? Naive, perhaps, but in what way feeble? Is that quite the right word?
Although I'm an atheist who finds all religion quite bizarre in a way, I would (to give ane example) freely admit that Christian theology si both deep and complex. At times this feels like you're being both overly simplistic and dismissive of motivation.
16 - I'm not sure what this line adds, and indeed it seems very vaudevillian to me. If villains are simply pure evil and inhuman then they are neither relevant, nor interesting, nor, I would argue, real.
17 - I like the sudden address to show the shift in topic. Although, again "for the years of devastating calamity have yet to subside" doesn't sound like poetry. It's long, uninteresting, and unpoetic. The content is vital, but you need to be able to say valid content-laden things poetically as well as that which is not so.
- "Young child"? As opposed to old child? or middle aged child?
- Similarly "devastating calamity", unlike the mild and un-devastating calamities that so often occur?
18 - I'd put the "Weep now young child"s on separate lines.
- "For the future craves your dilligence". And see, back to the great poetry again. Great line, incisive, well composed.
19-20 - Seems a little trite.
21 - *its
- This line is very long.
- what do you actually mean by "prominent in its essence"?
- Interestingly, I was really brought to mind of the Lords Prayer here. I'm not saying you should rewrite, but this was sort of how my mind reinterpreteed what you'd written:
"Our country, that art in its essence
Founded upon the presumptions
Of hallowed Liberty and Freedom,
has yet..."
Interesting what my mind does at times, lol!
24 - *its
29 - *past? *pasts? Either works, but you don't need an apostrophe anywhere.
31 - I think the problem is that there are very compelx ideas in your head, and you need a lot of words to express them fully. Thus the meaning of a line like this is incredivly full. However, like earlier lines, I don't think it's very good poetry as a result. i think there's a balance that needs striking, and it's rather uneasy currently.
34 - *proteges
- As a personaly suggestion: "progenic proteges". The phrase seemed very you.
35 - I like the sense, don't like the sentence. "The children are the future" is just such a tired phrase, there's definitely better out there.
I really like this poem. I think what is particularly interesting is perhaps the ambiguity within it which is maintained throughout. There is a degree to which you could, on the one hand be talking about terrorists or insurgents who's ideology is being "vindicated" by the war and its results, or indeed of the ideology of the administration and the army being vindicated, supposedly, by the terrorists and events such as the removal of Saddam. I don't know if you had an intended target in the poem, but I'm ássuming not from the non-specificity. The fact that you manage to say so much, without really pinning down your subject is really quite something. I think your main failing is that at times you're too cocnerned with saying everything you want to say. Which is very good, in some ways, but it means you have a lot of very long verbose inelegant lines which say a lot to the reader, but that don't make the reader want to read them, and really goodpoetry I think needs to do both.
All the best,
Chrislanguage: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 3.
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very good. strong language. well done.
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Thank you.
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Heartfelt - Powerful - Thought Provoking
These are just a few of the words that came to mind as I read this poem. It is filled with truth and realisms. Too many in the world today live for what they can possess today. They do not think to what our children will be left to deal with in our aftermath. Perpetual hostility - the violence of this world seems to know no end. It feeds off of itself and off of nothing. It thrives and grows. I could tell of numerless instances of violence, many directed at me, which had no real basis other than to be violent. Ignorance - it is easier for most to live in ignorance than to face the atrocities of the world. Terror gleamed from the skyline - I knew no one that died that day. I knew no one that knew anyone that died that day. However, as I sat here reading that section my emotions flared. As I read it over trying to decide what to say about it my emotions raced, my eyes filled with tears and overflowed for the loss so many felt that day and will feel in their hearts until their passing. Terrorism should be re-defined. It's definition is to cut and dried. It should include such words as: cowardly, heartless, devestating and repulsive. Not to mention a long list of others. Weep now young child, for the years of devastating calamity have yet to subside. What at this point can our children do but cry for the future they see facing them? Weep now young child, for the future craves your diligence. Fill your hearts with sorrow that you will desire a change. Our country, prominent in it's essence - is now yet another land filled with atrocities; hatred, senseless violence, addiction, poverty, starvation, indifference. Discrimination has allegedly left itself in the hands of our primitive past's. But be not fooled by the progressively fading image of such. Discrimination is far from a thing of the past. It thrives and breeds hatred, finding new ways to raise its ugly head. Be not fooled because it no longer as readily waves its flag and declares its exsistence.
Draw the children of the earth into your arms, and hold them near.
For they are the strength.
They are the protegees of our land.
They are the future.
This too stirs my emotions. I'm to well aware of the overwhelming numbers of children who are embraced only by heartache and wickedness. If these are the children who shape our future where does our future lie? In the shadow of our past. I hang my head and cry as I fear this human race will not embrace change. There are a few things I would like to suggest concerning this poem. Biginning with: every broken soul. The - I was simply going to suggest moving The to the next line. Now that I read it over that line seems an incomplete thought as it is written. What do you think of: Such a formidable stench of lost rapture,... I think it's still incomplete though. I'm not sure why you changed from your shorter line format to the longer lines and/or double lines on the same line. I'm not saying the way you have it is wrong. I'm not sure there is a right or wrong. I do think that the shorter lines hit the reader harder and have a better impact for this type of poem. If you want to consider shorter lines and would like my opinion on line breaks feel free to holler at me. In this line - Diverging from their souls remorseless - did you mean to remorseless souls or soul's remorselessness? Personally I would remove this and - and we defend... as well as the and on the other end of that line. I would then capitolize descrimination. It sees a seperate thought that would stand alone with out the and. I think you would just use past rather that past's. This is probably more of a personal preference but I keep wanting to read this line: For they are the strength as For they are our strength. You did a great job with this one. Well done.
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I've read this poem yesterday and couldn't comment immediately. This poem was powerful, honest and urgent. It is these qualities that made this poem effective and gripping. This was quite different from your other works, nonetheless it is good.
Though this poem screams that the world saves its children, you are also pointing out the tension within the country. You point out what makes the country great and what it stands for, but you also put things into perspective telling the reader that it is yet flawed and this is what i got from the lines: "And discrimination has allegedly left itself in the hands of our primitive past...But be not fooled by the progressively fading image of such. " You believe there is much to improve, but that is why "we fight, we die, we love."
Almost, to me, it feels like you are asking people to find another way of solving the problem, because how we are moving now may put to compromise the children, the future. And more than anything, we are, as early as now, giving them the burden of tomorrow.
Its the multiple layers of issues, the social implication of each action from a macrocosm of a country to the children of its future is tied together in this poem. More than anything, it is that web of connections present in this poem that makes it evocative of emotion and powerful. This would be great read aloud.
-iphios -
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Firstly, thank you for your comment. This poem is all that you have suggested. It is a call out to the people, a plea for them to understand that what we do today will echo through the next generation of youth. The replies that I have gotten from this poem suggest that my work has been done.I'm grateful that this poem evoked the kind of thought and emotion that I wrote it to intend. This poem is meant to be read aloud,funny that you should mention that. Thank you again for the comment.
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You have earned every word of this,it would take me days and days to even come close to writing something as powerful as this,
I can sense you pleading with everyone responsible,"cant you see,its the childrens future thats important here,not the next ten minutes",but i guess its in a lot of peoples nature to turn a blind eye and do nothing positive,i wish we could all see what you clearly can.its a message for Americans to be vigilant because of terrorism and its also saying,look we`re not in the best shape right now but we could all do something to improve the situation
I think this is a brilliant piece of writing,i had to read it several times to get the message but i got more from it each time I read it,the first line sets the tone perfectly for me,the mourning of the needlessly dead is how i interpret it, i also like these lines:
Weep now young children, for the future craves your diligence
Rejoice in the mutual fidelity in those you hold dear..SUPERB!!
A couple of queries, should "your are -> tomorrow" not be,
you are -> tomorrow and, "but be not fooled but the ...." should that not be "but be not fooled by the.....im not sure,its trivial anyway but i guess i had to try to critique it and thats all i could see that MIGHT be wrong
loved this work
well done Skyviewexpress
bye
rhet
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Wow. What an amazing comment! I can tell that you took your time in analyzing this poem, and that you truly understand and value it's meaning, which is everything a poet could ask for from their readers. I fixed the errors that you picked up on, they were not intentional, and thanks to you catching them, it helps my poem. Thank you so much for this comment. I'm glad you understand it's intention.
-Sky.
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Very Deep
I'm sorry I cannot truly understand its nature as I'm not an American. But what I get is that its not living up to the idealism on what its claims to be build upon. And also how it affect the future generation such a controversial subject that states such powerful truths well done.
Distant Unknown
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 3, form: 4.
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Thank you for the recent comments. Whether or not someone is American I think most people can relate to the horrors of terrorism. Thank you again.
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