when we seek it hides
when we no longer seek
it reveals itself to us
though none can see
it surrounds us with obstacles
and defines them as the rules
a cunundrum exists
which permits all rules
to be broken
then we are struck
by the unfairness of it all
to play
is to understand
no matter the strategies
of the gamers
high rollers and all
the odds favor only
that the game should continue
through multitudes of lives and deaths
the game alone moves on
as we wonder if the game is contained in us
or we contained in the game
How would you improve this?
Comments
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Great piece
Reminds me of a compulsive gambler's last thoughts or something. I think the form is the only improvable part. I am not sure if the lack of grammar was an attempt to be unfettered like the minds thoughts or just a draft version but that is always a pet peeve of mine that could be fixed.
LOL not that I have appropriate grammar at any time though.
I love the topic. It seems quite fresh. Great job over all!
language: 4, rhythm: 1, subject: 5, tone: 3, form: 2.
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nicely done
A very nicely written poem, a struggle not between good or evil, but a struggle within one's self. at least that's the way that it read to me. If this is so I liked the game metaphor, b/c after all what are we supposed to think of life as? Most often think of it as a "test" or a "game" which is why I have come to this conclusion. And you also had a bunch of little bittersweet phrases that ring oh so true in the real world. like the opening 4 lines in both the first and second paragraphs. I'd have to say that the first 4 lines were my favorite of the poem. And the very ending as well. That would have to be my second favorite pair of lines. Overall I think you have a great poem that has lots of questions in it, good questions I have to add. And the way that you used the words and phrases must also be applauded. great job my friend. Keep posting. You have a great number of poems here. I hadn't realized how many you had written, I'm definitely making this a pit stop for default readings whenever I can't think of where to go LoL. again nicely done. thanks for sharing and hope to hear from you again soon.
TTYL
MM
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 4.
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:)
the tug of war in life between what we want and what we get. It does often times feel like a game, but it is war.
"life is warfare, you get what you fight for not what you deserve."
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