When she was three she had a heart
that pumped right strong and true
One day her daddy disappeared
and she hadn't not one clue
When she was five, her daddy dead
He fought boldly in the war
She begged her brother not to go
but to her he'd just ignore
When she was eight, her brother gone
He was buried underground
She'd wanted to scream and cry
but made not one sound
When she was nine, her mommy killed
She'd been shot outright by a man
The girl dragged her body right back home
and covered her with sand
When she was ten, her heart had stopped
She'd been found floating in a lake
She wanted to see her family again
for whatever it would take
Author notes
I was bored.
Comments
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oh my god. i loved that. it was so amazing! i dont tend to want to cry often, but this made me think about it! Absolutly wonderful! :]
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Took me by surprise.
I didn't see it coming. Not until I read the last two lines and then my emotions flared and I choked up. I like the rhyme of it. I was so subtle to me that I didn't notice you were rhyming at first. The grammer seems off just a bit in spots. Not like I'm the best with grammer. In te last line of your first stanza, I had trouble putting my finger on what seemed off. Then it occured to me that when you say "hadn't not one..." you are actually saying "had not not one..." I'm not positive but I think you would just say "had not one clue". These endings sounded like they needed was in them: her daddy dead - her brother gone - her mommy killed. I realize that would affect the rhythm and beat count. I didn't know if it was intentional or not but I noticed that each first line has eight beats to it. You might consider: daddy's - brother's - mommy's as in her daddy was... I'm not sure. Like I've said before, grammer's not my strong suite. Great poem either way.
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Wow
Such a sad tale you can write really well and you did this when you when you where bored. I have to think about my poems before I write but its a gift jut to be able to go with the feeling. Well Done Inkling.
language: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 3, form: 4.
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Thank you!
Ummmmmm. I owe you some comments now. 
Let's see your awesome poems...
I'm probably just going to fall asleep on my keyboard half-way through the first comment though. 
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