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The XXXmas Files.

 

 

How did it come to pass that Santa Claus,

That jolly fellow dressed in red who flies

Across the firmament of heaven, lies

With anal-probe inserted `pon all fours?

Examined in minutest detail, scores

Of aliens on either side, he cries

Aloud in pain and shock before bug eyes

Of Greys conversing through inverted maws  

 

In speech which seems to echo deep in rifts

Of aching wired-up hypothalamus!

Groaned reindeer-mutilators´ abductee:  

 

Now how shall Earthling sprogs receive their gifts?”

But fiends dissect the corpse of King Christmas –

These jingle bells, dear Nick, do toll for thee.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

At the behest of my nearest and dearest I commit myself to the seasonal scrawling of profit-inducing verse.

A cheery tale of Santa in a jam cannot possibly fail to ellicit pecuniary rewards and a warm fuzzy feeling of yuletide sentimentality surely.

Well with enough effort it certainly can.

To top off the debacle I wrote this Hallmark of my intent as a Petrarchan Sonnet. Rather stringent iambic pentameter adhering to a rhyme sequence of A,B,B,A,A,B,B,A,C,D,E,C,D,E. Oh and there´s supposed to be a travolta after line 8, but mine had his dandy legs amputated so he is, I fear, somewhat lame.

Hohoho!

 

More Eggnog Anyone?

    : Comment:

Comments

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  • William McGarvey silver member
    January 25

    Edit | Reply

    Do not smoke x-mas trees!

    Hej Gg!

    Sounds like an interesting alien abduction holiday. I stumbled across some interesting stuff on youtube about Pleiadians and their message. Not sure what to make of it but I found it encouraging. What if that were true and the Aden star gate will activate and disarm any weapon and highly evolved aliens arrive on the scene to help us rid this world of all the ( for a lack of a better word) assholes. And Gaia will be free once more along with her children.
    Maybe a fairy tale, maybe some truth to it but damn, what a reality that would be! I could see the Bush`s faces now as they shit in their pants…

    Take care Gg
    Bill


    • gnosisonG silver member
      February 14
      Edit | Reply

      Cheers Bill!

      Tis a fairy tale I for one would willingly subscribe to!
      There s plenty of peculiar space religions out there which are just as likely in my view as any claptrap spouted by organised monotheistic religions.
      The psychological spiritualism of Buddhism is quite another (mind over) matter of course.
      Sorry about the lateness of my reply to your kind comment, mate.

      Regards

      gG


  • Birdie Stringfellow
    February 8, 2009
    Edit | Reply

    Applaud

    Clever and witty. A delight to read!

    Birdie

    language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 4.

    • gnosisonG silver member
      February 8, 2009
      Edit | Reply

      Cheers A Bundle, Birdie!

      You are too kind.

      Warm regards

      gG

  • Done
    January 5, 2009

    Edit | Reply

    Very clever, Simon.

    and a belated Merry Christmas to you, too.

    Sounds like Santa's holiday was a real pain in the ass. Fortunately, Santa's a resilient sort and always faithful to his duty. I'm sure he'll recover despite the lofty hi-jinks that such curiously-crafted anal probers often cause him to endure.

    Cheers,

    al


    • gnosisonG silver member
      January 8, 2009
      Edit | Reply

      Cheers Al!

      Good to hear from you; mate. Actually I had a bloody good xmas all things considering, I got horribly inebriated a couple of times, scared some cars, fell down steps and roundkicked down a xmas tree in a public place.
      And lots of people got prezzies.
      So, not bad all in all.

      May your quill flow with literary quicksilver in 2009, Al.

      Cheers

      gGodimnevergettingthisdrunkagain


  • Iorek
    December 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I don't know, I go away and don't read your poetry for a while, and when I come back you've made aliens give santa an anal probe.

    1 - I don't know how it came to pass, but I have the feeling St Nick will be ddwelling on that question for quite some time...

    2 - This line feels rather filler-y to me. The final two words are important and the rest are redundant and, dare i say it, not terribly interesting.

    4 - god, that made me laugh so much. EVil person.
    Out of interest, could it not just be "on all fours"? I know using "Upon" would, in general terms, fit better with the linguistic tone of the poem, but it seems a little bit silly. Plus you've just said "anal probe", so i think "on all fours" is fair game.

    5-6 - Doesn't quite work as it is. Currently it really needs a "with". opr something. Cause you've got santa as the subject, and the clause (claus?) about scores of aliens is just a little confusing grammatically, which ruins the otherwise charming flow of the poem

    8 - I don't think I know anyone who uses the term "maw" with more skill, or frequency, than you. Salut!

    10 - There are some words which just give you enormous satisfaction when you can slot them nicely into the rhythm of a poem. Hypothalamus is one of them.

    11 - Hmm, this line really makes me want just a little bit more about the reindeer. Just, ay know, a couplet about how they're watching horrified or something, hehe.

    14 - ... You are a true legend.

    language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 4.


    • gnosisonG silver member
      December 31, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Cheers Iorek!

      I shall be giving thought to your pertinent critique and return a view when the echoing jingles within my skull have stilled.
      Happy New Annus!

      Warmest regards to thee and thine.

      gGreatlyreduced


  • mojojames
    December 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    gG - I think I know who hired the aliens. It was the grandma who got run over by the reindeer, and this was her sweet revenge. Startling, shocking, one needn't even preface a reaction to your works with these dispensable terms. Out on the fringe of human, and now extre-terrestrial, experience. I have to play Santa tomorrow here in Oaxaca, so thanks for the warning. Cheers, MJ


    • gnosisonG silver member
      December 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Cheers Mojo!

      Good luck with the Santa guise in Oaxaca (is that Mexico, mate?) - and grannies can be gruesome harbingers of comeuppance, thats for sure.
      Thanx and have a great xmas.
      Warm regards

      gGranniesOnAcid


  • mallam23
    December 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Would it be evil of me to tell me neices and nephews that the greys stole X-mas by packing Santa some fudge?

    This was hilarious and creepy wrapped all up into one. It's the tale of Christmas that I have always wanted to hear. It leaves me all warm and fuzzy knowing that a fat jolly ol' man is getting probed instead of sneaking into my house late night Christmas Eve.

    language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.


    • gnosisonG silver member
      December 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Evil? Nah

      I reckon the tragic traditional tale about the Little Matchstick Girl who freezes to death on xmas eve holds more wickedness and what about that Bastard Uncle Scrooge and his treatment (until the feelgood finale) of Tiny Tim and family?
      The baby Jesus fairytale is based on a wave of infanticide (wait, or was that Moses?).
      Heheh I had to laugh at the picture of a creepy old fat bloke clad in red sneaking into your house late on xmas eve!
      Nice one. Thanx L.
      Hope you have a greyt holiday! (Without getting abducted!)

      Cheers and warmest regards

      intergGalactic


  • leigh heart
    December 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    hahaha!

    now, if there was a movie about aliens spoiling christmas...this could be a great basis for it.

    a very entertaining write, gG

    keep 'em coming.

    leigh


    • gnosisonG silver member
      December 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Hmmm...

      Hi Leigh. Yeah, maybe I should get in touch with Tim Burton. If he decides to make it I´ll make sure we both get a cameo role as Santas helpers or something. Thanx!
      Warmest

      gG


  • rhetorica silver member
    December 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Talk about ripping the ass out of poor Santa Claus,thats Christmas buggered now,thanks a bunch gG,you`re totally wired up!!

    Loved it my friend

    Rhet


    • gnosisonG silver member
      December 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      A Right Bummer!

      Cheers Rhet.
      Not one for the kids, I suppose. I´ve reached rock-bottom, as low as I can go. No prezzies for this naughty boy!
      Warmest

      gG

  • dave ochs
    December 15, 2008

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    hey gG

    thanks for taking the mas out of X-mas, X is the most overrated holiday in the universe, we should let the grey's have it and take it back to their advanced civilization and let them worry about what to get the alien who has everything.

    no mas for X-mas.
    dave


    • gnosisonG silver member
      December 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Hahah! A Quandry Indeed, Dave!

      What to get the alien who has everything? A brand new abductee to play with perhaps?
      Well at least Old Nick represents a more ancient designation of the Winter solstice than pathetic ripoff baby Jesus.
      I have an idea for a virgin Mary abduction tale occuring about nine monthes prior to the birth of the fantasy messiah. But I doubt if Hallmark would buy it.
      Btw Dave, you seem to appear aware that "mas" means nagging/hassle in Norwegian - thats either mighty intuitive or smartly adept of you, mate!

      Happy holidays

      virgGinbirth


  • mr backwards
    December 15, 2008

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    he had it coming

    Being a semi-immortal being, St. Nick must be chock full of DNA for those short grey bastards. They could run the Clone-o-vat for weeks!
    Father Christmas would be the father to a whole new bunch of starry eyed young'ns! do they have to be out of the test-tubes to collect from their stockings?
    I suppose when the autorities find the blood-drained reindeer atop an office building, they'll just blame predators.

    damn coyotes!

    a refreshing blend of science fiction and aliens, this helped relieve some holiday blues.

    cheers!


    • gnosisonG silver member
      December 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Cheers Mr B.

      The original title was "Do They Know Its Christmas? (On Alpha Centauri)" but twas too longwinded. Good of you to spot the cattle-mutilator quip and as for the spliced-n-diced spawn of Santa I bet there d turn out to be fuckn elves (the most annoying kind of course).
      I can´t rid myself of the image of a Geiger Alien bursting from out of the cola-swigging bastards belly mouthing Maaany Haaapy Reeeturns to the astonished mall-brats assembled to convey their materialist wishes.
      Sigourny Weaver eat your heart out!

      Happy holidays, mate.

      jingGle bells

  • Frank E Gibbard
    December 15, 2008
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    Alienation of the traditional

    Entertaining angle on Christmas lore through a sci-fi prism. Fun and witty. Frank

    • gnosisonG silver member
      December 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanx Frank.

      Alienation is the word.
      Regards
      gG


  • December 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Interesting

    I guess I have a long way to go in the poetry field as I realy didnt understand most of what you said. Maybee it was a lack of education. Nontheless it was an intersting concept of clause or claws.


    • gnosisonG silver member
      December 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Cheers sOurce.

      Then its out with dictionary, my friend. A highly useful book to utilise, along with a thesaurus, when writing.
      Frequent perusal of word-books will help anyone improve - my own education has certainly been rather lacklustre; become a self-didact - teach yourself! There are many tips to pick up here at sharepoetry aswell.
      Regards

      gG


  • Enoq
    December 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Marcusmoore said it

    LOL hilariously diabolical. One can only imagine the inspirations source be it imbibed or injected. J/K quite. The constant use of 'big words' would be considered by some to be 'anachronistic'. But those people would also believe the word anachronistic to be anachronistic so... sorry for rambling great piece. Merry Happy QuanzaHauniChrismica!


    • gnosisonG silver member
      December 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Cheers Enoq!

      Twas merely the spirit of xmas ingested providing the "sauce" of inspiration I can assure you (in this instance at least).
      By big words do you refer to the ungainly "hypothalamus"? Well it is a rather weak rhyme for christmas but for the life of me I couldn´t wrangle in "isthmus".
      (fist us, pissed as, humus... nah).
      Thanx again for the heartwarming comment, Enoq.
      Regards

      gG


  • marcusmoore
    December 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    LoL

    It definitely takes genius wandering on the edge of insane imagination to come up with such an elaborate theme LoL. I definitely have to applaud you on creativity and the way that you had executed it. Very nicely done and a HO HO HO for sho. LoL thanks for sharing and I don't think I'll ever look at X-mas the same. Thanks again for the post and your non stop imaginatively creative creativity. Hope to hear from ya again soon.

    TTYL
    MM

    language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 3.


    • gnosisonG silver member
      December 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Cheers Marcus!

      Inbetween bouts of restive fulminating the puerile infantalism of my arrested development does occasionally come to the fore.
      Following the vein of "what-ifs" I wonder what would happen if a young aramaic-tongued virgin living in the environs of Bethlehem or thereabouts a couple of millenia ago were to be abducted and subsequently impregnated by nefarious ETs.
      Hmmm

      Thanx again, Marcus. Merry xmas!

      virgGinbirth


  • Windhover gold member
    December 14, 2008

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    Sicko St. Nicko

    Hi gG and a merry ho ho ho to you too. You really are a sicko and I love that about you. Your little pertrarchan is a fine metaphor for what has become of the spirit of Christmas in consumerist countries like ours. Love the pic too! Nice one. >W<


    • gnosisonG silver member
      December 14, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Cheers Tenfold Windhover!

      Thanx mate, I do happen to recall a naughty pic of a drunkenly wasted Santa on one of your own seasonal greetings. And wasn´t that called the Xmas Files or something similar (or did I dream that part?).
      As for the Petrarchan, I thought, what the fuck else can I use it for?
      (Apart from my usual alchemical gibberish that is)

      Warmest regards to thee and thine John.

      gGreybeard

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