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~Marionette Moon




  ~Marionette Moon

Her eyes sparkle as she waits on the moon,
fireflies play tag in an open field.
I've an Achilles heart, her love's the shield.
She told me she loved me, my heart plays a tune.

A place where mandolins play their rain song
for a rendezvous with her stellar smile.
My unloved bones lie stacked in a small pile,
for this moment I've waited so long.

A full lovers moon that's yours and mine.
swinging on a string, swinging to our song.
I now know this is where we both belong.
Marionette moon, sail across the old pine.

Swinging on a string, swinging to our song.
I now know this is where we both belong.

 

                                                           



    : Comment:

Comments

1 - 18 of 18
  • Brian Balzer Greeters member
    December 24, 2008

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    Love is the key...

    to unlock the mysteries of life. I know nothing of the technical terms or aspects of poetry. I did't even know what a stanza was until after joining sharepoetry. Therefore I wouldn't have known that this was a sonnet or even what a sonnet is without reading the comments so I can't really speak to how succesful it is as such. However as a poem in general I found it to be an enjoyable read. I'm a natural rhythm and rhyme poet because that's the way I generally hear it when I'm writing so I like that aspect of this poem. I also love the imagery of this. Very nice. My favorite line was: fireflies play tag in an open field. Well done.


  • LifeIsIronic
    December 21, 2008

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    i agree

    this is a very beautiful imaginative poem,.. it is so damn descriptive,.. the beautiful imagery... the only thing i can't think of anything to change it is great



  • Windhover gold member
    December 19, 2008

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    Great

    Hey Red. There's much to like about this. The mood, the word-choice, the imagery. 'Fireflies play tag in an open field' is original and highly poetic. 'I've an Achilles heart', if it IS original, is masterful. I also thought 'rain song' perfectly describes the music of the mandolin. Huge kudos for these, they mark you, I'm certain, as a true poet.
    On the down side, the poem is written as a sonnet and it makes a clear attempt at rhyming and scanning. It only achieves this in a very bumpy fashion. I'm not a fan of rhyming meter and would tend to avoid it where I can but I'm sure of one thing. If you take it on you must STRIVE to make it flow and scan easily. I reckon your syllable count is off and, more importantly, you're counting rather than 'hearing' them. Some so-called syllables disappear in speaking, some are weak and some are strong and stresses fall differently depending where the syllables arrive in a line.
    I reckon the positives way outweight the negatives here however and I really rate your poem.. >W<


  • leigh heart
    December 19, 2008

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    you are very poetic.

    i love your sonnet. for me, it has such great imagery that i can almost feel myself swinging along with the moon to your song.

    thanks for sharing this great piece, red...i am not much of a rhythm and rhyme person when it comes to writing my own poems...but that does not mean that i can't appreciate the great talent of others who do...

    kudos!
    leigh


  • gnosisonG silver member
    December 19, 2008

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    Nice Enclosed Verse.

    Hi red. Good to see someone utilizing proper forms. There can be a bit too much freestyle here at times and I think its important for a poets progression to attempt ALL styles.
    Ok so the content might be a tad soppy/lovey-dovey but hey! that´s the style for a love sonnet. There is a definite lyrical quality to this - do you indulge in musical endeavours also?
    Since you are working with a clear form I did miss a stricter iambic or trochee-beat to the poem. Might be worth a try?

    Warm regards

    gG


    • redbarchettadrive
      December 21, 2008
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      gnosisonG,
      Whats the word for a word that is spelled the same forward as it is back? Thanks so much for your words of encouragement! Your online name appears to be one of those...*(whatever that word is, insert it here.)

  • DebraLynn
    December 19, 2008

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    Great!

    I like it a lot! The marionette theme is one I've never seen before. Keep 'em comin'.


  • Papyrus
    December 19, 2008

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    sparking eyes, the moon, heart songs? is this g-rated?

    RBD,

    i like the image of the butterflies playing tag in field. the opening line is quite cheesy tho. but hey, it's a sonnet, so i guess one has to ham it up. no shame, no gain. i wrote a cheesy love poem to a special someone last week. ugh. it was aweful. and she loved it. lol.
    good lcuk with that, man.

    always,

    Pap

  • cee
    December 17, 2008

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    This is great, usually poems that follow a perfect rhyme scheme bore me to death but this didn't, my favorite line is "I've an Achilles heart, her love's the shield."
    in fact this poem reminds me of a song called "kiss me" by sixpence none the richer


    • redbarchettadrive
      December 18, 2008
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      Thank for the reply Cee!
      The rhyme scheme is a sonnet.
      10 syllables per line.
      I also know the song you mentioned.
      "Swing, swing..."

1 - 18 of 18