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~This New York Song

 
 
 
  ~This New York Song
    ___________________

Concrete children unfolding like roses,
they crumble, tumble while skipping their rope.
Too unsure to smile, so unready to run.
Dry rope frays in the splitting sun.

Clouds flee to the cracks
chasing the transients down forsaken roads.
Uneasy smiles and forgotten eyes scan brick pavement
for gold coins spewed from the towers.

Car and truck horns, sirens wail,and tenants cursing
create this New York song.
Could you imagine holding just one?
Their petals close tenderly as the city falls to sleep.


    : Comment:

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • rhetorica silver member
    December 24, 2008

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    Hi,wonderful poem about 9/11 and what it was like to be in New York on that day,you display great imagery of the aftermath and of the future for New Yorkers,

    Clouds flee to the cracks
    chasing the transients down forsaken roads

    I see the image of huge smoke clouds rolling down streets in pursuit of screaming people fleeing the nightmare

    This is what i get from it anyway

    rhet


  • mojojames
    December 19, 2008

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    rbd - I used to live on 13th and B so this strikes a note with me. I think you've got the makings of a strong poem. There are a few jarring elements I think you could address that would make it more of a substantial piece. I love the first line, really gives a lucid picture of kids on the street. But, in the first two lines you've got too many ing's - unfolding, crumbling, tumbling, skipping. You could use crumble and tumble to break it up and vary the rhythm. "unsafe" - if the children are unsafe you should stay away from them I assume, so maybe "fragile" would fit. The "dry rope..." line is a good one.

    In the second stanza you bring up the unemployed, the terms seems slightly jarring, or clinical, you also mention it later, and I think I know what you're wanting to say, but there are other terms to portray the down and outers, street people. Unemployed people are not all out on the sidewalk because they've lost their job, most of them are in bars or home on the couch watching tv.

    "Unkempt smiles" I would lose, firstly because it really doesn't say or describe much, you mean they haven't wiped the pizza off their mouth before they smiled? But get rid of it for a better reason, to set up the following lines in an acceptable pattern, so that it might look like:

    Hopeful eyes scan the brick pavement
    for gold coins fallen from the towers.

    OK here's more destructo action- I would drop the line: "Petals close tenderly as the city falls to sleep" to the end of the piece and make it your closing line, it refers back to your opening.

    Get rid of the "Miss Liberty" line (unless you're writing this for a tourist agency)

    So the close would be:

    Cursing tenants, car horns,
    sirens wailing, create this song.

    Something like that. Hope this helps,
    Cheers, MJ



  • DebraLynn
    December 19, 2008

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    It works for me

    I've never been to NYC and am a confirmed country girl, but it does evoke images of how I think of city life.


  • Papyrus
    December 19, 2008

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    the song of a city

    RBD,

    hmmm. i wonder if you ever been to NY. actually, i was born in Brooklyn...
    as for the poem, i'm not one for centering uneven lengthed lines, but whatev. the image of gold coins falling from buildings and the ensuing question is a creative way for describing the rich, as seen by the poor children playing. but the use of "hobos" is vague and if not cliche, then over used. maybe more specific?
    thanks for the music,

    always,

    Pap

  • cee
    December 17, 2008

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    Love this so much, it has a really nice rhythm to it, I've been to New York only twice ever, but there is something about it that makes people fall in love with that place
    Great poem, keep writing!!!

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