Rebirth came in a dank basement. Rotting snow
and mud were scuffed into eternity on oozing cemetery grass.
Crows above, priests below.
The soul was a city broken but not sowed with salt
yet. It swallowed the pyre of last century,
and smothered the past with headlights,
streetlights swallowed by neon
and silence. The skies lost their way
between window reflections, painted your eyes,
then fell to pavement.
Lightning crouched like an animal
on bruise-black skies,
raced across the skies, thick and white,
deafened voices and filled the eyes
drowned in tear-filled eyes
Reviews
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quite the bang
Nocturne,
it's nice to see you post a poem again.
and just in time for the Chrsitmas season. haha.
this poem is "dank, rotting, scuffed, oozing, broken, sowed, swallowed, smothered, lost, reflected, painted, croucging, bruise-black, thick, white, deafened, filled, and drowned."
but the one line that really leaped out at me is:
"Lightning crouched like an animal." that's just a really sweet simile.
I also like "rotting snow and mud," just great imagery. and i wonder what "rotting snow" looks like, but it works. lol.
yes, this poem is well written, although I can't quite get at it's meaning.
I suggest removing "your" from the second stanza and a comma after "filled the eyes." as for "tear-filled eyes," I cringe whenever I see "tear" used in a poem. But then, maybe that's what you were trying to make me do.
always,
Pap
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Drat! Yet again, I write a pretty poem, but one that doesn't make any sense to the reader!
The alternate title was "elegy", so maybe that'll shine some light at the meaning...nah.
Thank you for the suggestions! -
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Oh, and i forgot to comment on the title, "Every Step is a Centimeter."
haha! i think it just clicked.
you're an earthworm? -
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!!
No, ha, that was just me trying to be deep and metaphorical about a depressive emotional state
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hahahaha!
i'm rolling with laughter like the kitten in your picture.
heh. hopefully all this nonsense brings you out of that "depressive emotional state."
lol.
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I've visited this poem three times now. I actually did like it on first read. The first line took me in. I like how it slowly unveils this rather dreary scene. The first stanza gave me an impression of death being just that, death. There is no image of the afterlife, since rebirth was in dank basement/6 ft under.
The second stanza was little too ambiguous, but the first line sort of gave the idea that the death wasn't that long as salt is a preservative. Since there is a 'yet' in the line, i suspect, its fairly new. Giving the impression that the funeral hasn't taken place or has just taken place.
The third stanza made me think that the funeral was happened on a stormy day and the storm muffled the tears and wailing.
The poem was quite descriptive and alive with sights and sounds. I enjoyed it. Then again i am bias about such subject matters.
-iphios -
Good Stuff!
I enjoyed reading this deep piece!
Just a few things that threw me a little are:
"Rotting snow":(melting)
and:
on bruise black skies,
raced across the skies, thick and white,
deafened voices and filled the eyes
drowned in tear-filled eyes
too many eyes and skies. Makes the reader trip.
and on bruise black skies,
should be:
and on bruised black skies,
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So deep...
for my shallow mind. I'm not sure I get this one to be honest. I'm sure you're talking about death. Rebirth came in a dank basement. Makes me think of the buried casket. How mud and snow rot is beyond me. The soul was a city broken but not sowed with salt yet. To me that means that the soul is not completely lost. Sowing the land with salt to make it unfit for growing gives me that thought. I like the reference to the Lightning crouching like an animal. That would be my favorite. You've used skies and eyes a lot. I've been told that too much repitition is not good. Of course I've been told that repitition is good because it helps things sink in on the reader. Just as I've been told that too much punctuation distracts the reader and that punctation is needed. I think it all boils down to opinion and prefernce. I used to give advice based on advice, now I'm second guessing that advice. -
Hey again, I'm back for a bit after along absence...
Line 1 - Hmm, so how literal is this? I get a general feeling that this is sort of "death is the only release", the only way anything could change, or something like that. Although with the funeral imagery a small part of me wonders if we're supposed to think of bodies being prepared in an undertakers for an open coffin service, which is a bizarre kind of rebirth, in a way.
I always love a good turn of phrase in poetry, something expressive and jarring all at once. I think rotting snow is superb, especially because snow never does really just "melt". I mean, if you put a snowball on a plate and watch it then yeah, it'll melt. But snow outside gets dirty and half melts and turns to slush, it's very like decay. Playing that image off against "rebirth" as the first line is a very nice touch too.
2 - This line just rolls off the tongue so fluidly, it's slightly sickly when you then compare it to what's actually being said. There's something buth wonderful and hideous about the way "oozing cemetary grass" just runs off the tongue.
3 - That could be mistaken for a very mean dig at priests
Very simply and succinctly ties upp all of the imagery within the introduction.
4 - Fantastic turn of phrase. I know it's probably deliberate, but something doesn't sit quite right with me with the mixed metaphor. Sowing with salt stops things growing, so to my mind you want something like "sickly" or "agued" (not the best selections there, but you know what i mean) rather than broken. Broken implies mechanical and to me it just clashes. I know there's a definite juxtaposition going on, City/fields Mechanical/Natural Broken/sick, but here I just find it a hinderance.
5 - So many people seem to delay random words onto a next line because they think that means that they're being deep and suddenly writing in free verse. They should be shown this, and then hit with a ruler and told to pay attention.
Fin de siècle?
6 - Hmm, i guess there's a whole natural/synethetic thing going on, which in a way excuses line 5, but I'm afraid it still just feels wrong to me. These lines are fine though.
7 - The internal rhyming here adds to the very introspective nature of the poem, almost as if the poet is just rambling along in some free-association, which of course he isn't, but it lends the feel nonetheless.
7-8 - "swallowed by neon / and silence" *likes*
9-10 - This meant so much more on the second reading. I almost had this feeling of something innocent and old being released into the modern world, and flitting in fear until its knocked over and killed. There's a deep sorrow in these lines.
12 - I know the repeated skies is quite legitimate, and you're obviously trying to do something with all the eyes and skies, but my head really couldn't stop thinking "If lightning is an animal it should be crouched on the clouds." But that might just be me.
"bruise-black" just very nicely takes all of this expansive imagery and ties it right back in to personal hurt, it's very clever. That and the wonderful blue-black-purple of a bruise is a very good comparison for a storm-sky. Although maybe not when bruises go yellow, that works less.... lol.
13 - The two skies followed by the two eyes are obviously very deliberate on your part, but it still comes across to me as a bit of a dull lexical choice.
Also, I'm not sure about the "thick and white", grammatically you could mean either the skies or the lightning. Thick and white, I suppose could be applied to lightning, but seems a bit weird, and the clouds are black, as you've just said. So yes, slight confusion.
15 - Interestingly I have much less issue with this repetition than the last. perhaps because with both it's in final position in the line, so there's obvious mirroring, whereas the fact that line 13 has "thick and white" added to it, slightly obscures the parallel.
This feels like one of those poems that, whilst it was probably written as being "about" something, you only ever access that intention as it were by exploring the imagery and the way it interplays. It's both very personal, but very universal, and I think both meanings are very different and very interesting, and valid to explore. This poem is fascinating, and emotive, and I'll probably go read it several more times now. Still wouldn't claim to know really what was going on though.
All the best,
iorek
Papyrus
December 17, 2008