The evening was silent
Cold, harsh
The child’s voice shook
When she heard the man spoke
The child’s face went white
When she heard the horrific,
Terrifying news;
Her parent’s died in a crash.
She was now alone
Her hands were like stone, cold as
Ice.
The terror began to form,
Her tears were a dam
She cried
"Why must they be gone?"
Her brown hair was soaked with
The tears she cried
Her body was weak,
Shaking
The realization flowed into her mind
She knew it was real
The death, everything
She was dead without them
They were her hero’s,
Everything
Was she being punished?
She would take back everything
Just to have her parent’s back…
Author notes
A little different..
Comments
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Well Written
I find with your writing that you have such a talent for descriptive words that are so vivid that even people without imagination can see them clearly. Another wonderful write hope I really loved it even though it was sad it another brilliant write!
Distant Unknown
language: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 5.
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PICTURIZE....
I like your poem!! It really has a lot of descriptive words that made me paint a picture in my mind! The words can also paint A LOT of pictures in the reader's mind: wether the child is in the house, police station, or somewhere. But i would suggest some:
The terror began to form,
Her tears were a dam
Why must they be gone?
Her brown hair was soaked with
The tears she cried
Her body was weak,
Shaking
I would say:
The terror began to form,
Her tears were a dam
and the child said (or cried)
"Why must they be gone?"
Her brown hair was soaked with
The tears she cried
Her body was weak,
Shaking
It's optionall. And this:
Her hands were stone cold
Ice.
I would say:
He hands were like stone, as cold
as ice
And i think "hero's" is supoose to be "heroes"
Anyways, i would say this to your poem:
"This poem is what life is. This poem is very significant to the young reader's heart. CHildren are still young and needs to understand what life is and this poem makes them realize what it really is. As long as there's life, there's death. Overall, this poem is what i may say "A world of Realization that CHildren will deeply journey on".
language: 4, rhythm: 2, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 3.
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