Now that the trees
have shed their once green leaves
and shiver in the cold
we can see what is gone
abruptly we are frozen
in the late autumn days
left with our sad epiphany
the winter of our spring
the limitless view
of unclothed trees
bowing low like beggarly monks
clenching fists full of nothing
I wanted to say then and
would say now
and do say but
across this separation of years
what could be heard
the sound of our first lovemaking
my prayers for our happiness
made like a divine litany in the church
behind which stood the houses
in the village of the valley below
reminds me of Christmas miniatures
and a gift I once wished for
though I knew it would only break my heart
How would you improve this?
Comments
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Superb
I love this poem. Good visuals too. I visualized the nudity of the trees as a metaphor for two souls during lovemakeing. The only part I felt was untied was the last line. "Though I knew it would only break my heart." It didn't feel to tieing up.
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Random Specifics:
1 - i think this is a great opening, it's terribly simple, but very striking at the same time. It's a wonderful clause that just sort of goes "here i am, pay attention, and read the newxt line if you want to know what the hell I'm talking about". It pulls the reader forward in the way than enjambament was born for.
3 - Starting this line with "and" doesn't feel right. I think it's because the sentence is a bit overweighted. Effectively you're saying "Now that x has happened, therefore y". But the "and" makes it feels like there's far too much going on in the first half, "ands" always emphasise that there are two things, so it makes the sentence feel more complicated.
In my head it sounds much nicer as "now that the trees / have shed their once green leaves / to shiver in the cold / we can see what is gone"."
8 -"the winter of our spring" - Iunno, it feels a bit trite. It's one of those lines that feels like it's trying to sound cleverer than it is. While there is meaning there, it still feels a bit like you're saying "The orange of our brown".
(- Ah. I just noticed this was the title of the poem. Sorry for attacking a line you obviously quite like.)
9 - This is being picky, but should it not be "a" limitless view? if it's "The" limitless view, you're leading the reader to expect something like "The limitless view, bowing like x, went on forever" or whatever. A "The" implies it's going to be a subject in the sentence, when really you're just describing it abstractly.
13-16 - I think with these four short lines you've manmaged to wonderfully surmise the awkwardness of relationship conversations. The narrator of the poem is struggling with what s/he is trying to say, "I would, well maybe, no wait..." sorta thing, and the enjambament forces the reader to do a simialr thing by tacking the start and end onto different lines the reader has to try and untangle what is trying to be said.
14-15 - It might just be me, but it really feels like the "and" from line 13 should be moved to line ten. There's a nice anaphora on "and would say now", "and so say but".
20 - The word "divine" here seems a bit redundant. It's a litany in a church, it's sort of holy by nature, saying it's divine seems to do nothing except make the line slightly longer and less pith, and the pith, i think, is where the really good bits of this poem lie.
21 - All the way through it's been 4-4-4, and now 2-3, how come? Having such a regular stanza lenth early on makes this just seem weird here.
21-25 - I feel there's a little too much going on here. The first twenty or so lines effectively has one image, there's the bit about being bent like monks and then the clenching fists, but essentially the predominant image for most of the poem is "bare gnarled trees". To suddenly have sex, churches, houses, valleys, christmas miniatures, presents, broken hearts". It's a barrage of imagery, which just seems far too heavy, for a poem which for so much of itself built mood and images very slowly.
For a poem that is, i suppose at it's heart, simply a comment on the clarity of hindsight, the novelty of the imagery, and it's excellent execution make this seem a very engaging and original piece. The ending feels slightly shakey to me, but I think the first two thirds are really great and, as youi cvan probably see, don't really have much to suggest other than the cosmetic.language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 3, tone: 5, form: 3.
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