A shadow hurries
after a pen night
falls
and another ego is emptied
Candlelight
melting wax
flickering light
on the shadow
where dreams
and reality live
Chimes ring
after the moment
has passed
Glimpses sliding freely
between
silver snowy trees
Creating
cursive images
a fragmented portrait
How would you improve this?
Comments
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Hmm. I'm interested, but I'm not sure I'm convinced.
You seem to be going for a bit of a "broken, scattered images" feel here, so the constant enjambament is justified, but at times it feels as if you're breaking up lines just because you can't let any single line have more than three words, rather than there being an actual reason.
5&7 - you repreat the word light in a way that is probably unnecessary and doesn't really have any positive effect.
8-10 - I like these lines a lot. The most fascinating bit about the interplay about light and shadow is probably the intersection, and using that to consider the boundaries between the real and the unreal is a good way to go. Especially because the "flickering light" of candles is so ephemeral.
11 - Is that supposed to be a clock? I was just wondering, because this very much gave me the image of a man at a desk who'looked at a candle, and then ended up staring at it without really thinking, until a clock chimes and the thought and the candle "release him", as it were.
I think there's a lot of really good stuff here, but right now it seems a little half formed. You have your subject, and you have the imagery with which to describe it, but you haven't really considered which form might be best employed to convey those thoughts, or what sort of language would help you most.language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 2.
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