Let's stack boxes
and fill spaces
and make perpendicular lines
in parallel worlds
complementary colors
consonant chords
and mathematical formulas
with whole numbers
and no remainders
and proportionate art
with eyes in the right places
Let's divide the apple
between five friends
who love to hang out
at the cafe
who stack spheres
that roll around
and use crooked rulers
to mix their paints
They're tone-deaf
and can't count on their fingers
which are always clumsy
but they are friends
who know how to divide
an apple
into exactly four pieces
and laugh about it later
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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this isn't much help and is probably irrelevant, but it went from splitting the apple between 5 people to 4 people
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I'm glad you noticed it, its because the five people can't even split an apple properly, it's saying that they can mess this up and still be happy about it
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Hmm...
I don't really get a point out of this poem. Other than contrasting proportion and evenness with misproportion, this poem seems to take a lot of different directions, and explores none of them. Not to mention the fact that it seems very staggered and unorganized.
Pick a topic, create a consistent rhythm, maybe even some incidental rhyme, and this would be a much better poem.
-Wall -
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Well the point of this poem is that in reality nothing is really perfect and ideal and stackable as boxes but being perfect and following all the rules would not be any fun anyway, when I first wrote this poem I was doubtful about it because I had a feeling it didnt really have a point to it so I know what you are talking about.
Thanks anyway, if you read my other poems you'll see that very few of them have a consistent structure and rhyme because I feel like I can't really express myself with those limitations but I'm sure that it's because I dont know enough words to do that, I know that people who are better with their words are very good at it -
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No problem.
After reading what you said about it and looking at the poem again, it makes a lot more sense. Perhaps your abstract way of getting to a point could be better utilized and could create a style that would be almost uniquely yours. I think some of the best art is the kind that everybody gets something different out of, which you could definitely pull off if you wanted. But at the same token, it's hard to create such abstraction without leaving so much open that it just seems jumbled together.
I think you have talent, unrefined, maybe, but the thought process is there. I suggest some of the freewrite exercises they have on here. Plus, the people on this site are actually nice and willing to help. Myself included.
-Wall
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hey cee
read your comment to rhet, that you dont' know what your poems are about, this is a very good one so maybe its better not to know. to me a box is metaphor, for say being in a box or boxed in, and most people box themselves in, in order to conform, in the process they lose their identidy and uniqueness, they look exactly like the other pieces and sound alike too, but hey they can hang out with people like themselves.
dave -
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I kind of get an idea what boxes are, they're very neat and tidy but they're all the same, I often dont know what my poems are about but maybe thats a good thing
anyway thank you
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This says to me that friends rule the crooked ruler.
Thus, leaving no room for Tom fooler.
No magic formulas to cure your boredom,
you can't buy your friends, we could never afford 'em!
Take me for example, I come cheap.
And to all you perfectionists, go and "Bleep!"
So, needless to say; me likes your poem.
You need to sell me some seeds.
'cause *(wo)man, you can grow 'em!
Great writing Cee!
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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lol Thank you!!!
do poems just pop out of you or am I just that inspiring? (just kidding!) -
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Yes, pretty much. God has struck me with it too!
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who me?
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This comes across to me as a back handed swipe at these annoying people who seem like they have everything under control and organized and who follow all the rules and do everything right except they have no clue as to what real friendship is or how to enjoy themselves properly,you have used very little punctuation and a total of three sentences,i think this is wonderful writing,when i get to the end of one of your poems im often left in awe as to how the heck you could write it
just great cee
rhet
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Thank you!!!
I dont know how I wrote it, I just wrote it, and half the time I dont even know what my poems are about until you explain them to me
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