Moonlight streaming through the open window
Reflecting off a lonely mirror
Illuminating the outline of your face
Although blinded in darkness,
Your cold eyes still hold mine
A cold glare sending chills
Creeping throughout me
Fearful of betrayal you say nothing
Have I a heart black as a dying rose?
Silent questions echo off dark walls
The power of temptation- candy to a child
Swayed from you , I have not
A touch of my hand on yours- my innocence..
Flinching away from the truth
My touch ice to your fire
-Defeat-
...Total silence...
Stiletto heels to floor
Breaking the quiet
Noise ripples through the air to my ear
I hear you walk away
One last time
Author notes
This is my latest AP masterpiece. I'm very proud of it. Please be critical I want to improve it.
Originally a contest piece but its my favourite so I want feedback.
The prompt words were moonlight, black, stiletto, candy and eyes.
Thanks guys
Comments
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Such a sad but beautiful piece. I didnt realize that there was another AP sister site like this one.
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So Wonderful
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I like this.
I can see why it is one of your favorites. I think the form you've chosen works well. I like the imagery you've used to paint this picture for the reader. It made it easy for me to imagine the scene. I wish I could suggest something to help you improve it but I simply don't see anything wrong with it other than maybe puntcuation in a couple of spots. On line three of the fourth stanza. I think you either wanted one . or three...and then on second line of the fifth stanza I think you might want a comma after - My touch. Other than that I personally wouldn't change anything. Great job writing with prompt words.
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very viosual realy good keep it up !!
language: 4, rhythm: 2, subject: 5, tone: 2, form: 4.
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thanks!
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