No One but Me

I wish I could surround myself in the obscure, demented forest of my eroded mind
Let my eyes drink in the emerald green trees as I inhale the shadows of my tormented sky
I want to intoxicate myself with my lies
I want to feel the addiction consume me as the transformation shreds me to pieces
I want to see the clouds dim the sun, because I despise it deeply, I hate it
I want to envelope myself inside the morning dew as it drizzles down upon the rotting leaves
Drown myself in the disillusioned soil
I want to choke on my remorse as my denial forgives me, just this once
So I can get away from him and his compassionless ignorance, his immorality
And what he did to me, so merciless, so wounding
Like he never cared at all
I want to dig this hole, so profound
And lay within, letting the moisture trickle upon me from above
As invisible as hatred, but as passionate as love
From the never ending crimson rain, red as a lustrous ruby gem
I want to drink in the venom from the sky, painted black as death
So deadly, so lethal
Until my insanity takes me under
Torture, so sweet and undeniable
But I want relief
I am so sick, so diseased, so unfaithful
And no one knows it
But me

I can hear them laughing, mocking me
Those voices inside my head
They tell me they want me dead
They wrap their colorless fingers around my chaotic thoughts
And silently weave them into twisted knots
And I enfold my thin, powerless arms around myself
To keep from falling apart
As pieces of me fall away into the unknown, though I try to pull them back to me
To save them from insanity
I am so fragile, so fatigued
So ill, I am.
So vulnerable and unguarded
Save me, please
I need a rescuer, a redeemer
I need a miracle
Follow me here into my contaminated mind
Into this ominous, tranquil forest, so demented
Where the trees turn black with age, like this sky infected with my disease
This enchanted place of mine that I hold so near; it aids me
Yet it never fails in damaging me every time I visit
Destroys me with its very existence
And I have to look away, no matter how intriguing it is
So diseased I am. So sick.
Follow me
Into my insanity
That no one knows about
But me

Let me lead you into my suffering
That I endure each night I dream restlessly
Long, precious nightmares
That embed themselves deep into my mind
And the voices make sure
That I don’t
Forget them
Because they possess me
I am haunted by them timelessly
They want me to hurt myself, they laugh at me as their pleasure is satisfied
They want to drink in my cries and inhale my misery
And wallow in my oceans of tears; the thirst they illustrate is so intense
They will smirk as I bleed, turning the walls of my mind an intense crimson
And I will paint the skies ebony with my hatred for them
Until the discomfort is all I can see
And all I can ever hear
They laugh at the monster that is me in the mirror
My unfathomable revulsion
It sickens me, to fill my mind with this
To torture my soul with the addiction that he created
Am I worth it?
He tells me I’m not
And no one knows it
But me

Each night I suffer within the nightmares
So endless, dark and restless
So infinite
So relentless, like him
That I cannot pull myself out of them like before
I am always stuck inside one, and he is the monster
He is the culprit of my pain
Of my sweet, sweet agony
He is the reason I feel so polluted
So soiled and unwanted
Penetrated so redundantly
My regrets for his forcefulness have overcome me
And the many lies I told him to escape him
Slither around indolently within my tainted mentality, filling me with shame
I play his game
And no one knows it
But me


Now
I scream at the mirror until I am beautiful in your eyes
Though I fear I will never be good enough for you
Not for you
And not this time,
You say to me

Do you even realize
That I destroyed the little girl I was to become the woman that you so selfishly craved?
And you traumatized me, my very existence, everything
Pushed me away and said I wasn’t good enough
Not for you
And not this time
You stained the sky with my blood and hushed the sun when you filled me with your
Obliviousness to me
So it wouldn’t shine on me anymore
Not like it ever did before
I despise it now as it detests me, hiding its radiant facade in my hideousness
I don’t deserve it
I’m not worth it, am I?
So hit me again to show me how worthless I am
Hit me again
You think I want it?

Am I really so useless? So imperfect?
Can you prove to me that I am so flawed?
How astonishingly perfect you seem to think you are….
It sickens me
Hit me again, and I won’t hear you laugh at my pain through my screams
Hit me again, but don’t think you’ll make it in my dreams
Hit me again, and tell me that you adore me, though you don’t.
And I know. Don’t deny me
I am the only who knows.

Bruise this frame you created and disease me with the lies of how you love me
I am so sick, so infected with your deception
Your tendency to harm me is revolting
I can see right through you, why can’t they?
I can see you, you’re so fake
I’ll keep it to myself, for your sake
But you can’t see who I am
I am a shell
A sinister, purposeless
Vacuous shell
Inside my hell
So full of desire, of hatred, of passion
But so remarkably bare
So close to hitting the brink of insanity
Gripping the threshold of my contorted mystification
And no one knows it
But me

I wish you would free me
From your heartrending grip, you hurt me constantly
So exhausted, I am.
So hurt by you
So sick.
The chills contaminate me as I sense your presence inside of me
As the voices come alive in my mind
And tell me I am worth nothing
That I am nobody
That I am not good enough
I know I never will be
I cannot silence them, not today
They wouldn’t let me anyway

But, soon, I will not be the woman you so delightfully crave anymore
Not for you
And not this time
I’ll finally get to laugh at you as I drag you into my
Fathomless
Dark
Demented forest
So I can infect you with that addiction you made me yearn for
That drug you provided to hurt me and to satisfy your eagerness for my pain
And I will laugh as you suffer within the agony you once caused me
And I’ll feel the chills crawl up my spine at your fulfilling screams
So I can tell you that I don’t love you
And smile as I watch you destroy yourself in spite of me
Watch as your intoxication breathes death into your lungs
And stare into your diseased eyes as you exhale your last, begging for mercy….

And no one will ever know it
No one but me