Life Is Not Me

Bloodshot
Eyes that cannot distinguish
Between what is right
And what is wrong
Unseeing for so long
Blind
To the evil within
Choking to death
On the very last breath
Grasping through the darkness
For the pieces
Until the pain releases
The only thing left within
A deep dark sin
A secret left behind
That no one can find
Though it is within the blood stained heart
A bleeding vessel torn apart
And crushed to the dirt
Smothered within the ruins
An ear-splitting sigh--a silent scream
A nightmare born within a dream
She’s
Whispering
Will this ever go away?
Will I ever wake from this life?
Eyes sewn shut
Can’t figure out what
Makes me live like I do
Why the sun brings me pain
And the clouds, a slight smile
When they decide to hide the light for a while
And turn my world a shade of black
A sky of crimson, tears of grey
A longing to wash the scars away
Drops that turn the sidewalks red
From the wounds that I have bled
She says
You will see
Life isn’t me


***
She lifts herself from off the ground
Lost, knowing she won’t be found
Trapped in a hole she dug on her own
A soul torn apart and a heart made of stone
Knowing that she will always be alone
Her wings are torn and eroded from tears
And broken from the abuse she endured through the years
She writhes from the ache they so willingly provide
An agonizing reminder of each time she died
The scars within left on her heart
Open each time he tears her apart
Screaming at her, insults she knew from the start
When his fist collides, she knows it’s the same
She’s always the loser in his sick, twisted game
When he is finished he claims that he loves her
Leaves her lying there, broken and bruised
The tears won’t come; she knows she’s been used
Descending further down into that hole
Disgusted, she knows this was his goal
But she can’t grab a hold
Of that feeling so cold
Chilling to the bone, frozen like sapphire snow
When the pain returns, time moves so slow
Nowhere to go
When he grabs her by the arm and spits in her face
Screaming she is such a disgrace
A waste
Not good enough for this place
Leaves her shaking
Breaking
Picking up the pieces of her wings
Crying, knowing what the future brings
Never
Will she be loved
Never
Will she feel a warm embrace
Or see the smile from a friendly face
Never
Will she escape this hell
Or get back up from where she fell
These bruises this monster created
To show what he really hated
Will never lose their shade
And those scars will never fade
Her broken heart won’t heal
The numbness screams to feel
But her life isn’t real
She is just a shell
In a worthless hell
They call life
Not anymore, it cannot be
She says
Life isn’t me


*****


Come quietly
There’s no love here
Only fear
The trees are painted black as pain
And the crimson droplets block the rain
There’s no feeling here
The ground is numb
It screams silently, pushing upward
Wishing to be heard
Creating graves as hate collides
Inside a hole, everything hides
There’s no choice here
Wrists cut into with rope and bound
Hush
Not a sound
You will never be found
Not here in this forest of solitude
Where pain is all that is heard
Not a whisper, a scream, not even a word
To suggest that this place even exists
But you’ll know that it’s alive
It aches to thrive
Its dying heart beats
It crumbles beneath your tainted fingertips
And shudders as you press it to your lips
But is soon reborn from the ashes inside the fire
Smoldering with desire
More powerful than before
Ready to grasp your hand and lead
You silently into this forest of greed
Hush now
Make not a sound
The only heart beats that are found
Rest now safely beneath the ground
Reaching upward, ravenous for life
Screaming in horror, crumbling beneath the soil
Bleeding within the russet roots
While the sky blackens and withers
Becoming one with the saturated clouds
Clouds that weep and pray for a new day
One that will wash the sadness away
She lies here, undying
Saturated in crimson rain
Wallowing in her only feeling: pain
It shouldn’t be so hard to see
She says
That life is not me
It never will be



****
A rootless sun that frowns upon us all
Wondering why we let ourselves fall
Hiding its face in our wretched hideousness
Wondering how we became such a mess
We’ve put the sky into distress
And we thought we were blessed
We wished for the life that we had always wanted
And over and over our sins we flaunted
Each one of our minds is now haunted
We can’t see a thing in this cruel place
We call a world
We put on the mask we call a face
And try to force the lie to come unfurled
We all know the truth
When we disappear in our youth
And become the sin that the devil
Wants us to be
We are led astray
And told to stay
In this place we think is pure
When we have no clue there is no cure
For what we are as humans
As it were
We don’t know that we hurt each other
Though we do it by unconscious choice
And are forced to listen to that voice
We have created our own worlds
Around reality
In spite of our fatality
We play pretend
To blend
To make believe
To whisper and deceive
Saying that we are actual living beings
When inside we are all monsters
Just living to die
Our hearts beat, though we lie
To ourselves and say that we love
Everything and beyond the above
But we can’t see inside when we blind ourselves
With the grim reality of what we are living through
We try to fake it through the pain
And grit our teeth despite the strain
To live through things we cannot express
And we manage to pull through unless
Someone puts us to the test
We spit out our feelings without even knowing
That by hurting people we are showing
Who we really are inside
And what we try to hide
And without hatred and love as our guide
We are nothing
We live life as though nothing is wrong
When we know we’ve been through so much
For so long
We use our anger and our sadness as a crutch
And we have no way to deal
And the only thing we feel
Is the pain we cause others
And the pain we inflict
Upon ourselves
It’s nothing compared
To the hurt we have shared
And the times we have dared
To admit that we are scared
To live

Our eyes are bloodshot
Bruised and blind
The pain that we feel
Is not yet defined
And we can’t heal
No matter what has been done
This life is lived to hurt
And to cry and curse the sun
And when we die, we swallow the dirt
That creates the grave we’ll reside in for eternity
We choke on the sins that we’ve made
And the ways that we’ve paid
We’ll never be saved
For the things that we’ve craved
We engorge ourselves in selfish nothings
Our appetite for indulgence grows all the more
Without us knowing
That our lives are going
Nowhere
And we don’t care
It’s not our price to pay
When we fall prey
To the things that make us falter
And the choices we make
We cannot alter
But it will all come back in the end
And we won’t be able to mend
The ties we broke
And we won’t be able to blend
Into the anger around us
Like it’s all a joke
This world is cruel
But there is no rule
Saying that it cannot be
You see it’s the
Only key
To what we call a life
And she says, miserably
Listen to me.
To be
Completely
Honest, you see
Life is not me.