Absence

Absence
Nonexistence
It is so beautiful, but yet so broken
It leaves the soul weeping, bleeding and battered
One taste
Soon to be a waste
One sole experience
One life, thirsty for what you couldn’t give
The drunken sky beyond rumbles
The rusty clouds crumble
And the tears descend; drop after drop filled with mourning
Inhaled deep from within the soul
Dragged out from within an infinite hole
Saturating the earth with a throbbing pain, with the diseased emotions
The murderous infection
The blistering fever
Open your somnolent eyes and watch the storm illustrate itself on nature’s canvass
Watch the clouds revolve across the sky, helping the sun conceal its facade
Watch the rain paint the streets and trees a dreary gray
Turning the world black day by day
And remember his absence
Reminisce
Remember what it was like before he left you alone here
The warm summer nights
When you had reached the ending of May
But had held on with the very tips of your fingers, not wanting to let go
Though, soon, you knew you would have to
You knew you would have to let go of him
He threw you away when he left
Did you think he would forget you?
Did you think he would think about you all the time?
Even though he doesn’t, you still assure yourself that you are everything to him
Melt yourself away and imagine you lay in his arms, inside the inferno
Dissolve inside the thoughts of him
Dreams of him fill your mind as you slumber restlessly
Tell yourself you aren’t grieving for him when the tears plunge downward
He cheated, and he used you in the games he played
Looking back, you can’t believe you strayed
The rules were his own, yet they were unfair
But he doesn’t care
He doesn’t know that he is all you want, and all you will ever need
All he ever cared about was satisfying his greed
The oceans that separate you fasten your heart inside the distance
And your heart desires so much to be with him, while your soul cries aloud for his adoration
And it shatters as you realize you will never embrace him again
That you will never feel his strong arms around your waist, holding you tightly to him
Your hands around his neck, kissed by the sun and dotted with freckles
His deceitful lips at your ear
His breath all you can hear
You shiver as he whispers that you are all that matters
When, inside, his soul knows it’s all a lie
He knew he could use you to get high
He knew that he could lie
To get what he desired from you
He knew that you had no choice but to believe his deception
All you could see was the affection you thought he had for you
And now, you ask how could he have been so cruel
As to lie about love

Remember the closeness of it all, the diminutive time left
Remember fearing the passage of time as it all came together, the apprehension
Into one jumble of anxiety
The knowledge that you couldn’t stop the clock from ticking
Second after aching second, ticking closer to his departure
While you hovered inside the moments you could still share with him
Hour after hour of misery
Each throbbing minute, the tears pouring silently down your cheeks
The panic went on for weeks and weeks
As you prayed that time would stop
As the realization that you would never see him again settled deep within
You wordlessly counted down the days until he would disappear
Adding up the hours you still had with him
And tried to make the best of what you could give
Though every time you glanced at him, were reminded constantly
Every time he smiled at you, you felt like crying
And when he mentioned his departure obliviously, you felt like dying
You felt your soul grow weaker and weaker
Felt yourself wanting to cling to him and never let him go

When he finally left you alone
You stood in the middle of that dusty dirt road leading to nowhere
His only unbearable escape, his road to a new existence
And your dreadful path to abandonment, to heartache
You could barely feel yourself shake
You knew your heart was soon to break
The wind tangled in your hair, and you barely felt it as it whipped around your face
Hiding the tears you knew were going to descend once he left
You bestowed one last farewell gesture
And the tires skidded to the left, turning away
You knew you wouldn’t hold him another day
You sighed as you watched him drive into nothingness
Leaving the dust and his memory behind, but taking your heart with him
You fell to the ground as the agony filled your shattered soul
Ceaselessly, devastatingly
You crawled into your meaningless shell filled with hurt, curled up and sobbed in agony
Dry, aching sobs that filled the empty space surrounding you
Echoing around the trees and twisting around your soul
Dragging you deeper into the demented black hole
You clutched at your heart, feeling it shatter as you wept
You curled up inside the dust and the dirt he left behind, on the side of that road
In front of the house that was no longer his
And saturated the earth with tears of betrayal and endless agony
Enveloped yourself in the emotional suffering until night blanketed the world
Inside your shell you regretfully curled
You could barely make it home
You stumbled, still searching for him as you cried
Though you knew that he was long gone
The tears blinded your diseased vision
And you cried for months after he stopped existing in your life
And started living in someone else’s

You wondered if he really did exist in the first place
A reasoned fall from grace
Or if he was just a realistic dream
An undying fantasy
An attempt force away the oncoming insanity
You wondered if the touch he left upon you could be relived
And the taste he left on your lips reborn
But you soon found yourself forgetting his face
You soon found yourself filled with hatred, with denial toward him
For leaving you here and choosing to love someone else
For choosing to leave all you had with him behind
For choosing to stop loving you

Remember the taste of him, the essence he left with you, how you savored it
How you replayed his face, his touch, and his every motion
Over and over inside your mind
So terrified to forget, but fearful that you already had
So scared, grasping all of his memories to you
And you carved a part of him into your very being
Shaped it inside your soul, remembering
Just to show that you would never fail to recall
To prove to yourself you hadn’t lost it all
Just to show that you could stay faithful, even if he wouldn’t
Just to show that you still loved him, even if he couldn’t.

But now, as you stand in the same road as before
His existence here is no more..
You feel the breeze ruffle your hair
And imagine him
You realize it doesn’t matter anymore
Why should you care if he’s gone?
Why should you care if the skies turn gray with his absence?
Why should you care if he loves her more than you?
You realize you should get up off your knees: it’s not worth it
And wipe the dust from your hands
Move on
Let him go
Forget him
Just like he forgot you

Let him mean nothing to you
Like you mean nothing to him
Smash him into the dirt
Make him hurt
Put him where he belongs
Where he left you

…And let her break his heart for you.
You know that she will