She beckons--I come
With racing footsteps in the sands
Bidding me faster--I succumb
Yielding as a puppet in her hands
Playing the fool
Blindly rushing in with a surly pout
As lacking wits well taught in school
For as I rush in--she rushes out
Charming diva--leads me on
My weary heart now surrenders
Once enamored--I feel no longer drawn
And just like a woman--her love she now renders
How would you improve this?
Comments
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A great wry little poem here, i love all the little contrasting half lines, it really conveys this wonderful cat and mouse game, as does the nice simple rhyme scheme. ABAB was born for stuff like this.
Line 1 - I always like poems with strong openings, and this definitely grabs you. She beckons to the narrator, and she also beckons to us, you're following, we're following, it all immediately draws the reader in to following the progress of the poem.
2 - I really like this line, but I do wonder about the word "sands". Sand is not a normal thing to eb running on, for obvious reasons, and normally either implies beaches or deserts, warmth, dryness, a wasteland. There are various connections which beg to be made, but none of them seem to be there in your poem. Is there a reason that you chose sands orther than because it rhymes with hands? If there is it perhaps needs to be teased out a little more?
3 - Really good line here, again the two halves of her and you wonderfully sum up the cat and mouse game going on.
4 - Tiny niggling point here, but it feels slightly wrong for the narrator to be a puppet *in* her hands, as puppets are either ON the hands, or their strings are manipulated BY the hands. A puppet *in* the hands is surely lifeless, whereas the image here is that the narrator is being manipulated?
5 - The idea of "playing the fool" works nicely with the puppeteering imagery. All various ways of playing and acting, and being someone you're not.
6 - Not sure about "blindly rushing in", it's a bit to cliche as a phrase for my liking. Also, I think this and the preceeding line could perhas use a little tinkering. Most of the lines in the poem are of a fairly similar length, about 6 to 8 syllables, but here you have four syllables followed by ten. It just feels ungainly and unbalanced in the midst of a poem which, for the rest opf the time, flows extremely well.
7 - I rather like this, the way love makes a person forget everything they've learnt, it's rather sweet.
8 - Great line, made extremely effective by the rhyme.
10 - There's something not quite right here, in away. If a heart surrenders it invariably means that it's surrendering *too* someone, and in that sense, falling in love with someone. Here the heart is giving up the fight, but in the wrong direction for the metaphor to work, you're giving up the chase. If a fox surrenders he is caught, if a hound surrenders then he just goes home without anything.
11 - A great line, althoguh sadly the only forced ehyme of the poem. But it works, so I wouldn't worry about it.
12 - The wry comment and the rhyme ends this really nicely. Although possibly also the sort of line that girlfriends punch you for when they read it
Really nice poem, cheers for that
You bring out the frustration fo the back and forth very well, and you bring an awful lot of thought and emotion to what is really a very short poem. I can rarely say so much in so few words.
All the bestlanguage: 3, rhythm: 5, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 4.
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