Gone
The man in the lighthouse is gone
It hardly seems fair
That he's no longer there
Though computers so sterile
Still warn of peril
Ghosts there are housed
And he has been doused
The man in the lighthouse is gone
He takes his usual rest at dawn
Though his body looks stout
His light has gone out
and his eyes seem to glare
He is not really there
For a funeral posed
His eyes have been closed
The man in the lighthouse is gone
He left when the night turned to dawn
Affixed as a bright shining star
Jutting out from a far distant shore
Where the man now will sleep
In a more peaceful keep
His beacon will shine
From a much brighter shrine
The man in the light house is gone
How would you improve this?
Comments
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I really enjoyed this, a small ode to a man being superceded. I think I ony have a couple of criticisms, as I wouldn't want to change much.
Firstly, the repetition of the first line is *good* but slightly too frequent. I would perhaps restrict it to the first and last lines of the opening stanza, and then the closing line of the next two. I don't think opening and closing each stanza witht he same line works terribly well, as it leads to awkward repetitions between the stanzas, and I feel that interrupts the flow.
Which leads me to my other point. I think there's a wonderful rhythm to this, and while it isn't strct and does not need to be, I think there is the odd line where just moving a word r two would really help the natural rhythm of the piece and encourage the flow.
I list a few suggested emmendations below:
Line 1 - "For it hardly..."
Line 5 - "Still warn us..."
Line 6 - "The ghosts..."
Line 7 - "And he..."
Line 12 - I wouldn't repeat "seems".
Line 13 - "He is not..."
Line 14 - "For a funeral posed"
Line 20 - "And where he..."
That is however all cosmetic, and is purely to help the rhythm. Otherwise a great poem with a really interesting idea behind it.
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 5.
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alright
I wouldn't repeat the "the man in the lighthouse is gone."
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Well that'sa haunted sort of poem I liked the idea and imagery of the piece. 1st stanza was good written but 2nd was just fabulus and 3rd was nice too. I enjoyed not the best but well you could do better. My favourite lines were:
"Though his eyes seem to glare
He's not really there
For a funeral he's posed
His eyes have been closed"
A dead man's story. Nice anyways. Keep on penning!
~~~~Good LUCK~~~~
language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 3.
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