All I know is
my butterflies are attracted
to your west-leaning sunflowers
and the fog will never lift
so we won't see
hurricanes in the east
and I can't understand
the language
of the frightened meteorologists
but we have our
coats and umbrellas
so we should be fine.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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this is great, it really makes me think. The best poems don't reveal their selves easily, and allow themselves to create various meanings. I like this a lot
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Thank you, I'm glad you liked it
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gloomy but sunny
hey cee, like they say you can never tell the weather. liked the poem though even if the forecast makes no sense.
i see you already got some correting... but i'd elimate, frightened which doesn't fit.
dave -
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I don't know too much about the weather, and I wanted to put more weather into this poem but it didnt happen, whats happening is the sun is setting in the west and the hurricanes are coming in from the east and the meteorologists are trying to warn them but they dont want to listen
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Nebulous?
Hey Cee. I liked the opening lines and the overall conceit is, as usual with you, pleasing. I don't think you rounded it out quite as fully as you might have so while I reckon I got the jist of your message, I wasn't left completely satisfied. >W< -
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Thanks, I know what you mean, I think I might have a problem of hinting too much and not telling enough, its bugging me too
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Bright Forecast!
At least in terms of poetical writing ability, I thought, Cee.
I enjoyed this condensed yet concise appraisal of a relationship eyeing pitfalls on the horizon.
Your pastoral metaphors suffused with climate control provide a most apt setting for your thoughts.
The only thing I could possibly suggest is further testing of where linebreaks might occur, so as to enhance the sense of fluttering wings of emotion. Maybe:
All I know is
my butterflies are attracted
to your west-leaning sunflowers
and the fog
will never lift
so we won't see hurricanes
in the east
and I can't understand
the language
of the frightened meteorologists
but we have our
coats and umbrellas
so we should be fine.
Does this seem less compact and condensed to you? Without a word altered of course.
Regards
gG
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Thank you very much, I think I will follow your advice with the line breaks, it works!
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Is this about someone falling for another even though he/she has been warned that it will end in tears but they get involved anyway?
I dont know what you mean when you say it might be a little wordy,i dont think it is
whats your secret for writing like this?,i could never do it,im not that good
rhet
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sorry I didn't mean wordy, I meant too-many-difficult-words-in-such-a-little-space, but I guess not so nevermind
Thank you!! I guess since I am into singing and songs and stuff I pay a lot of attention to how things sound and I at first write a lot and then shorten it and shorten it more and I think you have to give yourself more credit because I love your writing!!!!!
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