has come
slipping in from
a time and place
that has left us behind
to wonder where
we were and where we're going
some of us pour a glass of burgundy
and fall into a deep sleep
nothing old or new
some shake
to the beat of a band
the air filled with contemporary
music in sync with fizz bubbles
and the popping of champagne corks
without a care
others curl up in front of the
warmth of a crackling fire
watching the whole affair on the screen
ushering in their own kind of new year
and for some
it's a transformation
camels changing into lions
who repeatedly attack the dragon
with the hope of becoming the child
we have long awaited
and now it has arrived
as a stranger his vision
shut out in the cold
How would you improve on this?
Comments
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Confusing....
I kinda didn't understnd this poem and i'll help u fix it! =3
On the beginning:
has come
slipping in from
i don't really understand wat 'has' come. U could put 'the night has come' or 'the child has come' or sumthing that could make sense.
And the rest of the poem is confusing to me. It doesn't say 'wat' u r talking about or 'who' or 'when' or 'where'.
re-word the poem that would makes sense. I'm sorry if this isn't the help ur expecting or this help doesn't makes sense. Tell me if u need my help.
Keep Writing!!! =D
language: 4, rhythm: 2, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 1.
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