The shrouding glow of ersatz sun
Veils off the city sky with amber light,
And as grey vapour swells (that English friend)
it arches, a black canvass far above
On which the city radiates and throws,
Till there is nothing in the sky.
For twenty years it has hovered thus,
For twenty years I would walk and trust,
And for another twenty still, would I
Believe that this was all the world to me.
Till now. So look -
And see what stole my sight away,
What hooked my eyes twelve lines ago.
As if a breath of wind had parted seas
The jewels are in the crown
And I have lifted off the Princess’ veil.
The city is the world to city men,
But can we hold the world as sure
When even our star-studded dome
Will silently deceieve us to the bone?
Throw off the sky and fly from underneath;
Release, my friends, regain respond.
As heavens part, Earth falls away,
And in the midst men melt, or fly.
Author notes
I seem to end up jotting down a lot of first drafts on my phone, bizarrely. I was in Oxford a couple of weeks ago, and I was walking home fairly late at night when I looked up, and ended up writing this. It was very, very cold. I've just transcribed the first half from my phone, and completed it with what seemed natural.
This is till very much raw, so do feel free to be revisionist in your comments, because I certainly haven't spent hours perfecting the poem to this state.
I'm trying to convey, and I'm not sure how well it comes across, the sense of awe (if that's the right word) when confronted by something unexpectedly great from the natural world, and to me at least, it's a comparable feeling to having constraints lift from you; a sudden realisation that how you look at things needn't be how they are, and that you don't have to think within the box that people told you exist.
All the best,
iorek
PS Right, this has had one edit after Windhover's comments. See? I listen.
PPS. Second major-ish edit. A concluding stanza, which was plaguing me because it couldn't escape sounding trite, is now gone. I realised that it didn't actually say anything new. I re-worked the penultimate stanza as a result and I think it gives a much more satisfying ending.
The stanzas have in general been re-arranged a little.
There is also now a very obscure word play on amber being the linguistic root of the word electric. I'm pointing it out here because no-one would ever notice my geekery otherwise.
Comments
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Iorek - I read this in a previous form and had worked up a critique that I never got around to sending out. But, this re-write is a definite improvement. There was something a little more gangling and loose in the original (or the first I read) that I especially liked because it gave a strong feeling of a stroll along the Thames? There are still a few anomalies that you might look at.
"Shrouding" in the first line seems to contradict "glow." A shroud's purpose is to cover and hide.
"(that English friend)" - If this is a sarcastic description of London fog - maybe a modifier before English to peg it.
You have random rhyming lines like "thus - just" - "dome" - "bone" Don't know whether you intended them but there is something about "thus" and "trust" that's irritating - maybe the antiquated "thus" - to me the lines sound better without it.
End of the 4th line 2nd stanza, you could think about losing the period, unless you want that pause before the following short line.
"What hooked my eyes twelve lines ago" - don't think this works - self-referential to the 1st line of the poem. It throws off the rhythm of both the lines and the readers' momentum. Why not use "twenty years" which refers to the earlier part of the poem but doesn't cause the reader to stop, go back and re-read the first line.
"regain respond" - Not sure what you want here - maybe regain response or regain, respond.
Seems like it's almost there, hope this helps, cheers, MJ
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Hi,
Thanks for the very thoughtful critique. Well, in response:
- The contradiction of shrowding glow has to stand, i think, because the imagery is largely that of light pollution. So the glow *is* shrouding, as it were.
- Mm, you certainly get to the problem sections. I *like* having the aside about English weather, but it just seems problematic for most people who read. I worry that adding a modifier before english, which ideally need to replace the "that", might make the meaning a bit too obscure.
- Hehe, I must say, the criticism of occassional rhyming lines is not something i understand. I guess in my mind thus is really not a very antiquated term. I write a lot of essays and thus is avery useful word, and one that I read frequently, thus (Oh, see what I did there) I can't quite get my head round why it would be annoying. Hmm, I shall think though.
- Hmm, well, I see your period removal, and raise you a comma? I get what you mean, but I need *a* break there, and more than the enjambament would give.
- Damn it, and I thought the thing about twelve lines ago was vaguely clever. I guess what I wanted was to sort of have the poem to begin effusively, and then, in a way, reign itself in and explain what made the narrator so animated. The idea is not to take the reader back to the start and make him re-read, but to say "Look, look up, *that* is why I had to write this poem.". As it were. But maybe it doesn't work as is. Back to the writing desk...
- It should be "regain, respond" I fully recognise. The only problem is that it then looks like a list. release; my friends; regain; respond. Maybe if i set the "my friends" between hyphens.
Thanks, very helpful comments. Given me pause for thought on a poem that in my head was almost at the "finished" stage, lol.
Chris
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I really like you imagery. I had to read it a couple of times to understand it but I think it's good. I'm not exactly sure what else to say, but again, I really like your descriptions.
Himmel -
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Hi,
Thanks so much for the comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's a very dense poem, so I appreciate that you took the time toget into it, as it were.
Thanks again,
Chris
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I had to read this more than once to truly feel the beauty...This is very good. Your last line is definitely my favorite. Very nice job. You are a wonderful writer.
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Thank you for taking the time to read, very much appreciated.
I'm glad you liked the last line, I felt very happy when that one sprung onto the page.
Best wishes,
Chris
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good
great but needs some work to make it flow better poetry is an art and you have to keep writing to get better -
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thanks
for taking the time to read the poem.
The poem is indeed flawed, which is why i posted it, but I'm afraid your comment really doesn't help me a lot. It could flow better? Where? How? What currently is stopping it from flowing? Personally, I think the rhythm of the poem is one of the few things which I've largely got right, so just telling me that one lage aspect of the poem "needs work" without anything more than that is really quite unhelpful.
Just as a word of warning, people on this website can get really sensitive about their work, and saying things like "poetry is an art and you have to keep writing to get better" could come across as really condescending. If you say things like that to lots of people you could get some quite bad reactions.
All the best,
iorek
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Clouded meaning.
Hey Iorek. Long time. Returning the compliment of your recent thorough reviews of some of my own work I took a look at this. First and foremost I suppose I have to say that the great joy you speak of in your notes was a little less than abundantly evident to me in the poem itself. My initial impression was more of mystery than awe or celebration. Indeed the meaning of the poem was by no means clear to me at all even on a second and third viewing.
This may well be MY fault, I'm not known for my brilliant introspection and have been criticized for being too literal/obvious in my own work. I guess I like things simple and a spade to be called a spade. I made some notes on the specifics below.
The shrouding glow of ersatz (nice license here) sun
Veils over city sky; my life long custom (? don't get this).
Grey vapour swells, the English friend,(confusing, sounds too much like 'the English patient' o/s when I believe you mean something like old friend of England (dull sky)
And hovers as black canvass far above
On which the city radiates and glows.
For twenty years it’s hovered thus,(you're 20yrs old?)
For twenty years I’d walk and trust,
And for another twenty still, would I
Believe that this was all the world to me.(the rhyming meter of the first two lines here almost demands a rhyme for 'I' in the fourth line.)
But look ( this short line seems to be just randomly tagged on at the end of an otherwise rather structured stanza - doesn't it belong at the beginning of the next stanza?)
Look there and see what stole my sight away,
That hooked my eyes twelve lines ago.(??meaning?)
The jewels are in the crown
And I have lifted off the Princess’ veil.
How could I know? How could you blame?
How can a man hold ought ('aught'=anything)as sure
When even our star-studded dome
Deceives us to the quick without good shame? (very 'olde Englishe' all of a sudden)
As heavens part, Earth falls away,
And firm men melt and fly.
Oh city, let your charges sleep
But trust me, I you cannot keep.( ouch! contrived rhyme - 'I' you cannot keep is just all wrong)
No force in words can turn me to believe anew
Accept me as I take my leave of you.
(the final stanza appears to almost (not quite) achieve the rhythmic, rhyming meter the rest of the poem has been struggling to but that 'I you cannot keep' is working far too hard to do it. Don't know if you can mix and match freestyle and form so randomly - each appears to betray the other somehow. Flirting so closely with rhyming meter seems to suggest a failed attempt at it rather than escape from its confines)
It's some time since I 'dissected' a poem like this. Since my comments have not been completely positive it makes the excercise look rather mean spirited which was in no way my intent, rather I wished to sincerely return the compliment your own thoroughness paid me. I hope you can accept it in that spirit and that the critique is of some limited value to you.
My Thanks and my very best wishes. >W<
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Oh, definitely don't apologise. This is exactly the sort of criyique I needed. While the poem is still young, as it were, and ephemeral and moving about, I can keep moulding it. It's much harder to edit a poem I haven't changed for six months (unless I wrote it over three or four years ago, at which point it somehow becomes fair game again).
Hmm, yes, i can understand that the meaning is a bit "clouded" (ah, a pun.), but I don't want to clarify everything too much because i do like the strong imagery. And other than a couple of lines in the middle, I'm fairly restrained, in that there are a few over-arching metaphors (the city represents the world in which i live, the light pollution of the city and the skies obscure the sky, which is... i don't know, "a different view"). I guess I do need to find a way of making it slightly clearer what i mean by "ersatz sun", because it could probably very easily be misconstrued as the moon. I shall mull.
So, specific points:
- it's now "My brief life's habit", instead of "life-long custom". I'm simply trying to say succinctly that the city and view that I'm describing is the one i've had all my life.
- Okay, ive changed the "the" to a "that", i don't want to change it too much because I like my little dig at English weather.
- I'm not sure whether you liked or disliekd the "twenty" years. I've now added a reference to a "brief" life, which might perhaps make the twenty less strange. or alternatively I could make it a general "middle-age", such as fifty? If I wanted to make the poem more comprehensible?
- Hehe, well, i understand nthat you'd like a rhyme, but the poem is naturally iambic all the way through and i stuck in a rhyming couplet because I fancied one. If shakespeare could do it, I'm gonna too...
- Twelve lines ago is the start of the poem. I'm trying to say "Look, this thing i'm describing is what I saw that made me write this." *thought it was clever* Oh wells...
- Thank you, aught indeed.
- I do dislike it when anyone things that a bit of poetic language is "olde english". Effectively it boils down to: "aught" "star-studded dome", and "to the quick". Well, aught isn't *that* awful, "star-studded" is an adjective used of movie premiers, and "it cuts to the quick" is just one of those standard phrases. Ah well, I read Milton a lot, maybe it shows.
- Contrived rhyme is now erased for simple ABAB rhyme. Don't know if this works. But I need a change of some kind for the end, and i like ending on a chorus-like bit of verse.
I'm very interested by your reaction to the written style, that a naturally iambic style with the odd rhyme thrown in (let's be fair... four rhymes) becomes a rhythmic and rhyming structure that the poem has been "struggling" with, hehe. Part of me wants to know what Eliot did that meant his poetry *didn't* provoke that reactions, because to be honest that's all that Eliot ever did.
I did wonder if separating the poem out into short stanzas was a mistake, because they were all four or five lines, which made it seem much more regular than it was supposed to be. I've removed most of the "stanza-ing" now, I don't know if that's to the poem's benefit or not, because now it perhaps looks a little dense...
Ah well, if you find the time I'd like to know what you think of the new version.
iorek
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Excellent!
One of the better poems I have read. You made your point to me. I'm not sure that you couldn't have conveyed it with fewer words, although I did enjoy them!?
Some questions that I'm probably not smart enough to answer for myself:
1-I didn't understand how "my life long custom" relates to the rest of that stanza
2- Is grey vapour the English Friend(London fog type of thing?)
3-I didn't understand stanza three and four
And PLEASE PLEASE! Explaint the difference between poetry and Beat poetry. What is the MAGIC ingredient that permits one to read it and recognize it as beat? How does one go about learnng how to write beat poetry. I am extremely interested. Please help.
Cheerio my friend,
Rich
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I like it., But...
Hi Brian: I'm new here, so bear with me. Here's my review. Keep the first three stanzas and end the poem right there. In doing so, you may find it very powerful in saying what you are trying to convey to the reader. It also leaves one with some provoking thoughts. By lifting the princess' veil (lifting the constraints) you make your point well. From there on, your piece then seems to start another story and head in a different direction. Nice work, and I'll be looking at more of your writings.
Soljer
language: 5, rhythm: 2, subject: 3, tone: 5, form: 4.
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Brian? lol
Thanks for the interesting comment. I think, in a way, you've basically zeroed in on one of the main stylistic features of my poetry. I have an extended metaphor that gets built up, and then i examine it, so to speak. The first half is me showing the situation, and the second half is me as a poet describing my reaction to it.
So on the one hand, I totaly understand what you're syaing, but I'm not entirely sure that I'm willing to let the reader just take what I'm saying and interpret it entirely by themselves (yes, I'm the poetic equivalent of a manipulative control freak).
I also like the address to the city at the end, because it personifies it more strongly than earlier on, and I like emphasising the fact that it's not just a veil over my eyes, but a veil over the city and the world.
Ah well, I'll have a think. Thanks for the thoughtful comment,
Chris
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