Every night,
when it rains,
a girl comes
out of my brain.
She looks out of
my window
and stands in
front of my blue
chair,beside my
bed and table.
She looks like she's
in pain
but she turns around
with her name.
I don't know her but
she knows me.
When I go to
bed, she stands still.
I can hear the drops
the rain makes.
I often took a quick glance
at her to make a quick game.
But she doesn't notice and
she's
always still there.
I don't know why, but I'm
connected to her.
Every night,
when it rains,
I can still hear the
girl
crying like she lost
something very precious
to her.
When the sun comes,
and she slowly vanishes,
I realized that that
girl was my friend,
saying "good bye".
Author notes
I REALLy just made this up out of the blue. I was beeing depress because of something, i don't what it is though. Well, i hope you like Night-Cry! :3
Do you think you have ghost in your house?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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nice poem really flows well i enjoyed this
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It's really good .Haunting imagery .Never thought of sth like that .Nice piece.
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Awesome
I like it so much I loved the imagery the flow and progressiveness. Kind of spooky but in a good haunting way
I think this is very unique and you should be proud!
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coolyo - A good bed-time story. My question is -
why the double spacing? It's distracting and more of an effort to read than I think you're intending.
My suggestion is that you play with the form of the lines, try single spacing, but also try doubling up the lines. Some of your line breaks are klunky, like:
"i don't know her
but she knows me,"
If you join the lines it looks like this:
I don't know her, but she knows me,
when I go to bed she stands still.
Your eyes don't jump around as much trying to get the lines to connect.
Toward the end you have some issues with present and past.
"I often TAKE a quick glance at her
to make a quick game.
But she DIDN'T notice
and she WAS still there."
Hope this helps, Cheers, MJ -
hey big C
good effort, builds tension as it goes along, didn't know you were going towards a spirit, thought the girl was you somehow, but thats ok.
dave -
Ooh.. kind of spooky.. but I love it!! Very powerful and deep. I love the short lines and the way you described the poem. The girl and how she vanishes and when she appears.
Bravo!
Hope.
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