It was a hot July day
Things hadn’t been going well
And I had to help her move.
To my chagrin her son was there.
The epitome of today’s
Hyperactive, dyslexic,
A.D.D, Ridilin addicted causalities.
Her place resembled
A thrift store
After a hurricane,
Dirty pots and pans piled high
On top of stove,
Not one box packed.
She wanted to know
why I looked so angry.
Using arms and legs
Like machetes
I cut through the rubbish
Foisted the big pieces
On my shoulder
And carried them next door
Where her obnoxious son
Annoyingly nicknamed Boo
Watched me struggle
While he played with toys
And said,
I think that goes in there.
The bulkier items
Required her assistance
I instructed her
Where to place her hands
To coordinate the load
When to tilt, stoop, back-up
To maneuver through
The narrow doorway.
She strained holding
Up her end
While Boo stood
Idly watching.
I tried to shame him
Into helping her.
When alone
She said I was
Not to discipline
Her son.
Considering my mood
I was surprised
At my restraint
That I didn’t
Explode and leave.
We got a lot done
And I left on good terms.
Said I’d be back later.
Boo’s usually
Returned to his father
After eight.
Then when I came back
There’d be nothing
But me, her,
And the big bed
I assembled earlier
And after a bout
Of long –leg, wrap around
All those things
Bugging me
Big and small
Would smooth
Like a panic attack
On valium and beer.
But as they say
The best laid plans
Of mice and men.
When I got back
Boo was still there
He was spending the night.
I had to be nice
Praise his crummy
Drawing of a spider,
And wait for him
To go to bed.
She tried to settle him
But he kept wanting things
Including his Bible
(She’s born again)
which was out
in the car.
There was
A conference
As to who
Would go get it.
One of us,
Me and her,
Her and him,
Me and him,
All of us.
With him pacified
I began embracing her
By the bare
Kitchen cupboards.
Before we got
Too far
She asked
If I’d marry her
Sure
How bout
Tomorrow
We’ll go
Through the
Drive-thru
I said
Pulling her closer
To me.
After more caressing
She paused again
Asking, what are you
Dabbling in.
Implying that
Because I’m not
A Christian
I must be
Into the occult,
Witchcraft,
Satan.
But that’s
Part of the game.
From our other encounters
I factored in
An extra hour
Of foreplay
To circumnavigate Christ
To transform not wine to water
But no to yes.
He understands.
We’d worked
Our way down
To the linoleum
Kitchen floor
When Boo reemerged.
Jesus I could deal with
But not this kid
I’m going I said
Disgusted and defeated
Like the few
Times in the life
Of a junkie
When they walked away
Empty handed
After chasing a bag
Because
It just
Wasn’t worth it.
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
-
True Story
This may surprise you, but you have written a true story here. I know a guy this happened to. Isn't that a hoot?! Excellent poem. Well-written. I understand it more than you'll ever know, especially since this exact situation happened to a very close male friend of mine.
Well done...
Birdie
language: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
-
-
hey birdie
yes this really happened, but its universal. believe it or not after all that her landlord changed his mind and she had to go back to the old place, after she bugged me to help her move back i did a few boxes and walked away.
dave
-
-
AWESOME! I love the short sentences in this poem and how it all flows into long long narrative. What a sad situation for a guy to be in! Boo is hilarious as your foil.
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, form: 5.
-
I really liked it ,but wasn't sure if I should comment or not.Since my comments suck most of the time ,I 'd better keep my mouth shut.Anyway I think there's a comic feeling in your poem.I like Boo and the Bible thing .It's a really good piece and I guess it'd be perfect for a short story too .
~feb~
-
-
hey february angel
your comment was spot on. you detected the humor which isn't always obvious since i use a lot of sarcasm, some people get pissed off because they think I'm being serious. and your right this could almost be a short story. thanks for the encourgment.
dave
-
-
WOW
Hi Dave,
I love this poem...As I was reading, I'm thinking..."I don't remember Dave's poem to be so self centered??" Then that utterly perfect metaphor!
It is interesting that I read this poem now...Cause I have truely come to the recent realization that all men are sex addicts....ALL....which allows me to look at things in a different way...I actually feel better about turning a man down...It is not something I am doing to him...It is something he is doing to himself....
Anyway...From the competition with any male (even a kid)...to the part where you figure to nail her after her kid is gone home...vivid imagery...believe me I have moved probably 20 times... so far... (always trying for someplace better)Your poem brought me right there.
I was totally blown away by the way you insinuated the Junkie in there...it was almost casual...then it hit me, I did the doubletake...and then the entirety of the poem suddenly jelled....
It was amost orgasmic! OK maybe not THAT good...but a fine example of your work...thanks for sharing this piece...ttfn Laurel
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
-
-
hey algoressister
you have a precense on this site thats sorely missed, wish you were around more often. your insights are also keen on the addictive sexual nature of the male. its hard to believe that women sleep with a guy and get all hurt that it wasnt' unrequited love. almost orgasmic is about as good as it gets for a poetry critique.
dave -
-
Hi Dave,
I am glad to be back here... I was taking some medication that made me feel like I had a wet blanket over my creativity... Now that that med is no longer necessary, my brain is coming back to me...I've started writing again, and creating stained glass sculptures... I am planning to move (ha ha ironic huh) into my own place pretty soon... Luckily, when I moved to Oregon last summer, I sold off all the bulky stuff....My boyfriend Terry has a bunch of my stuff in his Airstream, and he's working his way from New England across the country...He's a trooper about it, but I don't think he minds. When he gets here I will definately show him some enthusiasm for his bod.... Normally I just buy pizza for my moving helpers...OK and lots of beer... But bringing my things clear across 3000 miles of winter weather deserves something orgasmic....OK and pizza and beer....
Anywho...I love you guys. I can go nowhere else like this to find people who are so outspokenly honest.
Once again, I love the moving poem, I almost peed my pants laughing, when It all came together for me....ttfn Laurel
-
-
-
Hey Dave - There's some fine writing in this story-poem. Very focused and clear plot line. I'm pretty sure it's "Ritalin" though. The kid is a well-drawn character. I especially liked "I think that goes in there." It sets off your frustration and gives a good image of his bratty smugness. One three line passage I thought could be simplified was right after that quote, maybe it would be cleaner as:
On the bulkier items
I needed her help.
I told her
where to place her hands...
Seems like it's more in line with the language in the rest of the piece.
L4 of S2 strike the 's.
One section was really well done:
Sure
how 'bout
tomorrow?
We'll go
through the
drive-thru..."
Shady promise in the throes of possible full reward.
The ending is very solid and fitting. Well done, Cheers, MJ
-
I like it man.
You know, I got to thinking about it and your poetry style reminds me a lot of Bukowski. Just how you can take two prevailing themes throughout an entire poem and intertwine them to create something completely new by the end of the poem. And without necessarily uses a lot of rhyme or meter. In fact, none. I must say I literally snickered a little at the "...Empty handed...Wasn't worth it" bit.
I'd have to say the other thing I really like is how the language use reminds of Hemingway's Old Man and the Sea. It's a narrative that has absolultely no deficit or excess of words to get exactly the point intended. I also liked how you described the child as a "Ritalin addicted casualty".
I gotta say, I'm impressed. You have a very unorthodox style, but it works for the way you look at things.
Congrats.
-Wall
-
-
hey wall
i'm a shameless imitator of Bukowski who to me is the only poet. Poems you can understand, what a concept. i hope i can continue to deflower poetry and write it in its raw naked form. thanks for your comment.
dave
-
-
No, it wasn't worth it.
-
-
hey G
thanks for commenting and i'm glad your feeling better. perhaps you've gotten some good material out of your ordeal.
dave
-
-
gosh. if i wasn't enough frustrated about my own life. i felt ticked off reading this. i guess cuz you might have been ticked yourself when you wrote this.
-
-
hey miss O Malley
lets just say that was an ordeal. thanks for commenting
dave
-
-
The crumbling of society
Hey Professor. Engrossing is indeed a good description of what this one is. As always with you it flirts with being pure prose but your insights here are SO spot on and emotive it has to go down as poetry.
Lots of issues and food for thought in it. I think I would have given 'her' a piece of my mind and ended up burning my bridges had I been in your shoes. A journalist here got into lots of trouble lately for resurrecting the word 'bastard'. But I have to say, your piece clearly shows just why there are so many annoying little bastards in our world today, and I don't just mean because randy bastards like YOU (and me) got our wicked way. Hard pressed, guilt-ridden Moms simply can't discipline the little shits the way they need to be disciplined. Society, and in this case YOU, gets left to pick up the tab. Thoroughly enjoyable read. >W< -
-
hey W
glad this passed the poetry test, i realize i was cutting it close. had i burned my bridges i wouldv'e deprived myself of many great rides that were yet to come. A guy sure has to put with a lot to get some though.
dave
-
-
hey dave,this was engrossing,i could read you on this form for hours,i wanted more of it,i can relate to it also,women have us by the balls with their valuables and they know how to exploit it,us men would do most anything just to get the knickers off..i loved the discussion about who would fetch Boos bible from the car,he is a great character.The ending about the junkie is excellent,it confirms you as this sex addict
great writing
rhet -
-
hey rhet.
thanks for commenting. engrossing is a nice compliment. only bad thing is this was dug out of my archives i'm boring and domesticated now and don't have the time or topics i used to, but thats my problem.
dave
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 19 of 19
