The slice of your wrist.
Fingers curl into a fist.
The fist in your face.
Bloody nose your heart starts to race.
Gun pointed at you.
Turn your back, shots in back, you counted two.
Blood pours out, gasping for a breath, your life is at an end.
There is no one to help you, no one here you can call a friend.
There's so much blood, you think as you fade.
Your sense of revenge got you into this, look what happend, with your life you paid.
In the end revenge might cost you your life.
So just remember you die you cause your loved ones strife.
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Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I like this poem. Leaves the reader comparing
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i like this..very good visual
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wsow realy loved reading this one because in so many ways i can relate and i just love your poetry good jjob
fave line:In the end revenge might cost you your life.
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oh shit!!
this is so amazingly good!
opening like got me with the cut of the wrist fist sist in face!!
yes i was like WOW!!
favorite line:
Gun pointed at you.
Turn your back, shots in back, you counted two
omg amazing!
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Good
Your poem was formatted beautifully for one thing. Secondly, the subject matter was intense and contained two thoughts to think about: the unfair violence in the world and how over-reacting may cause your loved ones sorrow. I see someone taking anger out of another through violence (revenge) and the suffering the family (the true victim here) goes through at the loss of a loved one. I hope this makes sense to you. I picture someone losing their temper and taking violent revenge out on another and losing his/her life. It is then his/her family members that are suffering the most over the loss of their loved one.
Well written and thought-provoking.
Birdie
language: 2, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 2, form: 5.
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It's a good poem and the rhythm also .I like the dark feeling in it .But I have to agree with Rhetorica .This subject is kinda popular among other teen poets in here .Anyway writing poetry is very personal and it wouldn't be fair to judge since I'm not a professional either ,but I'm saying that it would be better if your work could transmit more emotions ,feelings and not just words.The imagery is good.Keep writing !
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JC WOW
okay i really like this here, it's a very easy poem, how it flows the ryhthm to it. it's catchy, it draws you into it, you have good visuals and the first two lines have a good crisp bite to em
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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you have decent rhyming and rhythm in this poem so well done for that although if i may give you some early advice,the subject matter is so common especially among teenagers and the truth is that very few people want to read poems about stuff like this so i would suggest you avoid these themes although its your first poem so its rather unfair of me to judge you,nevertheless you have displayed considerable talent here and i look forward to more of your poetry
im sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but i only want to help you
see you around
rhet
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